My Path

I obtained a book through a chance encounter. At that time, it never occurred to me that this book would change me so completely. It was as if someone were crying out to me, “Take a look at yourself.” As if I were in a daze, I stopped looking all around me searching for better things and started to carefully examine what lay inside of my heart for the first time in my life. That was in the summer of 1998 when I obtained that book from the heaven – Zhuan Falun.

(1) Marriage

When I first looked inside of myself, I suddenly felt ashamed. I had once hoped to find my knight in shiny armor, someone who would look after me and care for me with all his heart and soul, someone with solid financial assets and a promising career. During the first year after I first got married, I was living in Beijing. In that year, I experienced the kind of setback that I had never dealt with before, and was overwhelmed by a feeling like that of an outsider living in an unfamiliar place. Everything was so different from my hopes and dreams. I felt as if life had let me down, and I could not help from responding to the feeling of being let down by putting a lot of pressure on my husband. Just as I was doing my best to mold him into my image of a perfect husband, this book prompted me to ask myself, “Are you a good wife?”

This was a question that I had never doubted the answer before. In the eyes of many people, I had many character traits that qualified me for being a good wife. I had always felt the same way myself. Because I was a “good wife”, I always expected my husband to become a good husband that would match me and deserve me. In my heart, I unconsciously set up a standard against which I used to measure how my husband should match up.

But when I truly asked myself that question, I realized that all of those character traits were just surface appearances. What is a truly good wife? The answer is actually very simple. All I had to do was to compare my heart with his heart. I was not a good wife when both of us were very tired and there was still a lot of house chores left to do; I was very unhappy because I felt he had not done enough with house chores. I was not a good wife when I was annoyed at him for leaving dirty cups and clothes everywhere in the apartment. I was not a good wife when I was mad at him when he came home exhausted from work and was too tired to keep me company. I was not a good wife when I nagged and complained because he was not making enough money to provide me with a comfortable life. In summary, I was not a good wife when I was unhappy because he could not live up to my expectation of how a husband should be.

I realized that I was actually not a good wife, because I never was able to think of him and be considerate of him from the bottom of my heart. I constantly wanted to get things from him, but it never occurred to me that I should be giving too. When I started to learn to give, everything changed. I gradually began to understand the pressure from work and life that he had to live with, and, as a result, I did everything I could to lessen his burden. The truth is that when I constantly expected him to be this or that, the only thing that I did was to give him more pressure. Only when I could completely give up my sense of self and only think of him, ceasing to demand things from him and instead started to demand things from myself, could I truly experience the joy of living. In the past, when I kept hoping for him to be this or that, I often felt his sense of helplessness. But when I turned things around and learned to give, our hearts truly became closer and closer. It turns out that the source of happiness is to give, and not to make demands.

(2) Joy

From that moment on, I knew that I had stepped onto a new path. When I look back, I realize that I had done many things wrong in the past. It turned out that I vaguely realized that I was making mistakes. But I never dared to face my own heart. I always tried to defend myself by coming up with excuses one after another, or I did not dare to truly see myself for who I was. When I truly faced myself, I knew that the root cause of everything was that I did not want to change myself, and I did not want to give up my own self-interest or lose face. When I truly decided to change myself completely, I discovered that it was no longer a difficult thing to face my own mistakes. Only when I admitted I was wrong, were there opportunities for me to make amends. It was no longer important how other people were treating me. The important thing was for me to have a big heart. Actually when one tries to cover up his mistakes, many times other people can see through it clearly. When one tries to look after oneself too much, he cannot see this point.

This book taught me to look at myself for the first time in my life. No matter what kind of conflict arises, even if it looks on the surface that the truth is on my side, I learned not to look at others and search for their mistakes. Instead I learned to look within. Every single conflict around me took place because I had problems with myself, and that I was in disharmony with the surrounding environment.

Only then did I come to realize that I was always looking for faults in other people, and tried to excuse my own action every time when something unpleasant happened. It never occurred to me to think if I were to blame at all. Searching inward whenever something happens is not an easy thing. I still felt I was not being treated fairly in a lot of situations. I knew that I was still thinking of myself and trying to protect my own interests and myself. There were also a number of times when nearly everyone around me told me that I did the right thing but I knew that my own heart was wrong. It is not important what kind of method that one chooses when trying to accomplish something. The key is one’s own heart. When something appears to be good or bad on the surface, it may not really be the case. When trying to do the same thing, if one does it under a pure and righteous state, then it is a good thing. But if one only thinks about oneself, no matter how good something appears to be on the surface, it is always wrong.

Just like this, time passed by day after day. I felt the changes in my heart. I had once thought with the passing of time that the kind of simple, tender happiness, which I had experienced as an adolescent, had become a dream that would never occur again. But now I truly experienced that kind of happiness again. I also suddenly realized that this long-lost joy had never become unattainable; instead it had been smothered by an ever-thickening selfishness.

It was not an easy thing to truly change the way of thinking and notions that I had developed during the past 30 years of my life. There were still conflicts in my life, and I still made mistakes from time to time. But the difference is that I now learned to examine myself at all times and no longer blamed everything on other people. Recognizing one’s own imperfection is not a scary thing. The scariest thing is not being able to recognize one’s own mistakes, or not wanting to change them even after realizing them. As long as one truly wants to change, what is left behind is only the process of change itself.

I still stumbled and fell, but I tried my very best to be a sincere, kind and understanding person. Bit by bit, I tried to get rid of every single thought of mine that was self-calculating. I tried to use a tranquil heart to deal with unfair treatment from others, and did not want to leave even a trace of dissatisfaction or condemnation in my heart. Gradually I started to feel a positive change in my surroundings. Whether they were within my own family or with friends around me, all my relationships started to undergo subtle changes. I experienced the kind of joy that sincerity and unselfishness can bring to a person’s life.

Without me realizing it, the nightmares that had troubled me for a year disappeared. My chronic insomnia went away as well. The feeling of dissatisfaction that I could never shake away, the feeling of jealousy and unfairness when seeing other people doing better than I, and the worries, anxiety and nervousness that were associated with all these, forever left me.

After all these years, I realized that the only way to truly obtain many things in this life is by learning to give them up first.

Even today, when I take a look back, my heart is still filled with gratitude. I am still a fortunate person because I have obtained so many things that other people could not get so easily. But I know that the most fortunate thing in my entire life was to obtain this book. From that point on, I have traveled on a path that is filled with the most happiness. It is a sense of peace with one’s own conscience. No matter whether I am rich or poor, no matter where I am, and no matter whether other people treat me well or not, this kind of happiness will never change.

(3) Silence

It seemed that there would never be clouds in my life anymore. All the slight currents were meant for me to recognize even more of my imperfections. The end result was that after I made the corrections, life got even better. A year gently passed by.

I never thought that I would experience such a dramatic change in my life. It seemed that everything changed in one night. In July of that year, everything that I cherished the most and thought the best of suddenly was described as the most evil thing. Suddenly, so many lies and rumors were unleashed and spread through the heavens and earth! Even in countries outside of China, not many people truly understood us because we had all been quietly cultivating our own hearts. So the lies quickly spread from China to other countries. It seemed that there was no longer a place for us in this world. I felt confused and lost by the sudden change. I could never understand how something so good yesterday suddenly became something so bad today. It seemed that in a blink of an eye, I became a monster in other people’s eyes.

In the face of brutal power and pressure, I chose silence. That was the year that I felt lost the most. I knew that everything outside was a lie. But I felt powerless to change things. There did not seem to be any big changes in my life. But the only things that I felt in my heart were heaviness and loneliness. More and more news from China arrived everyday. When I read the kind of suffering experienced by those who dared to speak up and uphold the truth, I did not dare to face myself.

I started to read the book less and less. Even though I still took it out and read it from time to time, and the principles that were taught in the book remained as pure as ever, the guilt in my heart made me feel further and further away from it. Gradually I discovered that a lot of my shortcomings that I had corrected before had come back again. I helplessly watched myself care for the insignificant, little things again. I knew that I was wrong, but it seemed that there was a power that was controlling me. It was a year that I do not dare to look back.

The May of the next year came around. Constant headaches urged me to take out that book again. The memory of the light-hearted feelings that I had experienced with my body and mind when I was reading the book and cultivating my heart a year ago had not dimmed with the passing of the time at all. I told myself, “You had never dealt with anything seriously in your entire life. If you decide to start again this time, you will stick with it.” It was also at that time that I knew I could no longer be silent anymore.

(4) Taking Another Look Back

From the moment that this thought occurred to me, the ship that was my life fell into a turbulent storm. The first thing that I had to face was myself. All kinds of concerns came by one after another, and were constantly churning in my head. That was the most painful four or five months of my life. It was the double suffering of both my mind and body. I often woke up suddenly from my dreams, and discovered that I had only slept for two hours. The conflicts within myself made it difficult for me to fall asleep. It seemed that I no longer had the concept of hunger and only knew to eat when it was time to eat. At the same time, I had also to face my husband. He flew into a rage when he discovered my decision. To make the matter worse, the conflicts within my heart made it impossible for me to explain myself to him objectively. The sweet and comfortable life that I once enjoyed vanished without a trace. The misunderstanding and strange glances of my friends around me made me feel as if a heavy wall had fallen upon me. In countless painful struggles, I asked myself if I was wrong. I opened up the book and read it over and over again. Every word and every sentence were telling me that I should be a good person without selfishness, putting others before myself, that a person should have a righteous heart, should not hurt other people for one’s self-interest, and that although other people can badly treat oneself, I should not treat others badly. Those words were like cool spring water that gently permeated my confused heart, and removed my sorrow, feeling of being treated unfairly, and condemnation. When I took another look at those months, I had no idea how I was able to endure it. The only thing I remember is the peacefulness that I felt after my heart was purified as I read the book and let go of all my worries. I knew that what I had obtained was the best thing, and I was duty bound to step forward. I once again examined my heart with a great deal of difficulty. Once again, I faced myself with a lot of shame in my heart.

(5) Clear Wisdom

I once thought that I had already let go of my selfish heart and had obtained eternal happiness. But my reflections told me that I had been wrong. I had been making an effort in cultivation for my own happiness still. I still had been thinking of myself, and I had not been able to truly be selfless. If I had to lose all the happiness in my own life, would I still choose my own conscience? Humans do not have the power to control the happening of many things. No matter what kind of plans that one makes, just when one thinks that things are under control, powerful external forces change everything. But I think that humans do have choices to make even in that situation. The only choice that they have to make is to face these forces with a good frame of mind.

At the beginning, I stepped forward out of my own conscience. But once I stepped forward, I gradually began to see myself more clearly. There have been many times that I stood in front of a crossroad and did not know which road I should take. Many times I almost could not bear the sufferings underlying the conflicts. Reading the book would always calm me down and help me see the true nature of the problem. From that, I always detected the hidden selfishness on my part. I came to the realization that the book explains very clearly the roots of the selfish hearts that one possesses, and that I had not realized it myself. Finally one day I suddenly realized something. The reason that a person cannot see what any situation is really about and cannot distinguish right from wrong and the causes for all the sufferings that one experiences is because of the selfishness and the various notions that a person has. As my own notions and selfishness became less and less, this point became clearer to me. Master Li’s books had told me a long time ago that,

“In dealing with relevant, important matters, if a life can really assess things without any preconceived notions, then this person is truly able to take charge of himself. This clear-headedness is wisdom, and it is different from what average people call ‘intelligence’”(from “For Whom do You Exist?” Essentials for Further Advancement).

It was just that in the past, even after reading this passage, I still did not understand what Teacher was talking about. So I learned not to think about suffering when faced with conflicts, and instead viewed conflicts as an opportunity for me to discover and remove my own imperfections.

From that moment on, I developed a deep-felt and complete respect for Teacher, because I realized that the person who wrote such a book is definitely outside of the fame, self-interest and sentimentality (qing) of a human being. Only such a person could see everything so clearly and explain it with the simplest and most easily understood language in the world. Also, only such a person could write in a way that made me experience the power of pure benevolence, when I was lost, and during the most confusing moment of my life.

When I started to think of things more clearly, I gradually escaped from the suffocating pressure that I had felt before. As I lived my life with a lighter and lighter heart, I discovered that my husband had been changing as well. He had turned from standing in front of the door, preventing me from leaving home, to driving me to where I needed to go; he had turned from trying everything he could to interfere with me to not saying anything at all. At the same time, happiness returned to our home bit by bit. I know that every person has a side that is kind and supports justice. It is just that everyone also has his own notions and wants to protect his own self-interest. I know the day will surely come when he supports me completely.

Just when I thought I was going to lose everything, I realized that I actually would not lose anything at all. The happiness that I felt was completely different from the joy that I had before. It is the kind of bliss that exists naturally everywhere just like the air. It is the feeling of fulfillment that a life experiences when she is no longer confused and feels lost. It is a feeling of satisfaction and contentment that comes with life itself. Only then did I truly realize why all these ridiculous things have to happen, and why I had to step forward.

(6) While One’s Life is Precious, One Has to Distinguish Good from Evil

Many people have asked me, “Why do you people have to step forward? Why can’t you practice at home? The truth is that at one time, I had felt the same way myself. But now I know that I was wrong. After the Chinese Government sent out the decree, forbidding people to practice Falun Gong outside, a practitioner continued to practice outside. Others asked him, “It is forbidden to do so. Why are you still practicing that here?” He answered, “I am not doing anything wrong. Why can’t I do that?”

Even though that answer was simple, it deeply touched my heart. Is it wrong to make an appeal and demand justice when being treated unfairly? Is it wrong to clarify the truth when being slandered? Is it wrong to step forward when other people are being hurt? None of these things is wrong. The truth is that the standard by which this universe judges good from evil and right from wrong has never changed. What has changed is one’s heart. The standards in everyday people’s hearts have changed. That is why they will turn around and blame those who have never done anything wrong. But they do not realize that this kind of notion is silently aiding the evil elements within this society, which in turn hurts them as well.

We kept reading about this kind of news report one after another: a good Samaritan is blamed for a crime that he was simply trying to prevent and was arrested or sued; a person falls into the water and nobody tries to help him even though countless bystanders are present; a person is stabbed or killed and cries out for help, but nobody steps forward to render aid. When everyone is trying to protect his own interests, everyone is actually damaging and hurting his own interests.

So many people are trying to find a way out of the maze. Where did they go wrong? Regulations, rules and laws have been established one after another in the hopes of solving problems. But have the problems truly been solved? When the anti-burglar bars on our doors have been made stronger and stronger, isn’t it telling us that we feel less and less safe within our hearts?

I had once felt lost myself. But my Teacher told me that the real sources of all problems are human hearts. When I take a look back, I know clearly why Teacher says that the key is within one’s heart. A human being is supposed to live with a kind heart and be considerate of other people. I think that everyone will admit that if everyone lives for other people, the relationship between one and another will be harmonious and trusting, and that will be the most beautiful world. But when human hearts have changed, everything becomes different. If someone does bad things out of his own self-interest, and everyone else around him keeps quiet because he is afraid of getting hurt himself or even lends moral support out of pressure, then this society is an environment that nourishes evil and attacks righteousness and kindness. In the end, whoever is the most vicious has the most power. In such a society, what everyone thinks of is to obtain more benefits for himself, regardless of whether it hurts others along the way. At the same time, he will do his best to protect his interests, and feel guarded when in the company of others. A child who grows up in such an environment is taught not to let others take advantage of him, and how to protect his own interests at a young age. A vicious cycle develops in the society. People become more and more selfish, and the relationships between one and another become tense.

Why are all these things happening? When people lose moral principles to guide their action, they can do anything they want to get more benefits for themselves. It is just like the case of those 'anti-revolutionaries' where “there was clear evidence for their crimes” in the Cultural Revolution. Did they do anything wrong? No. It is just some people used it as an opportunity to uphold their own interests. That is why the Cultural Revolution took place. Another reason it took place is because people’s moral principles were no longer in place. Therefore, even though there were people who could see the truth behind the lies, nobody was willing to step forward. Also, since now everyone has shut his eyes, this kind of persecution can continue.

Our Teacher has told us that if the actions of human beings are no longer constrained by moral principles, not a single external method will be effective in controlling people, and laws will not be able to change what lies inside one’s heart. The only way out for human beings is to rectify their hearts. When each wants to be a good person from the bottom of his heart, when each knows that he should uphold kindness and righteousness, the morality of all will improve. Only then will human beings have a nice living space. A human life is precious, and so he or she should not abandon the standards guiding how a person should live.

Whether it is inside or outside of China, if you see a flyer, I hope you realize that it does not contain just a description of persecution, and it does not just hope that you will lend your help. How I hope people who read the flyers will understand the inner meanings! Every single piece of paper is to awaken people’s kindness, tell people to uphold justice, and tell people that they should not abandon the standard that distinguishes good from evil even in the face of brutal power. Falun Gong practitioners are using their own actions to awaken people’s consciences. Distinguishing good from evil is the most important thing for a human being.

When a wrong notion has been formed throughout the entire society, the kind of sufferings of those who dare to stand up first is unimaginable to most people. Brutal persecution, home searches, prison, torture and death are constantly threatening them. The propaganda from all the media outlets, where only one voice is allowed to be heard, deceives many people and makes people hold hostile attitudes toward the Falun Gong practitioners. When the changed human notions are added onto the mix, even some of those who know the truth regarding the persecution treat them with ridicule, indifference and misunderstanding. But if nobody dares to stand up and change all this, where will mankind end up?

The spreading of Falun Gong all over the world proves that there are still kind thoughts in people’s hearts. This is precisely the hope for mankind. From the initial copying of the Falun Gong literature in China, to countless awards to Falun Gong everywhere in the world, Falun Gong is being spread in more than 40 countries in the world except China but including Taiwan and Hong Kong. The single-voiced condemnation of countries all over the world against China for the persecution of Falun Gong tells us that “Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance” and kindness knows no borders.

How I hope that the Chinese people can understand that when Falun Gong practitioners save their money, penny by penny, or even sell everything they own to print the truth-clarifying flyers and then risk their lives to deliver them into the hands of people, or when they go to Tiananmen to speak out the truth from their hearts, or when they use all kinds of methods to clarify the truth, they are not doing these things only for themselves! They do not have any political agenda either. Rather, they are using everything that they have to tell people with their actions that human beings have the right to uphold the truth and to return to kindness. They are also using their giving to change people’s notions. They want people to know that one’s life is precious and one must distinguish the good from the evil during that life.

Translated from:
http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2001/12/30/13119.html