PureInsight | February 21, 2002
I am deeply honored to have this highly cherished chance to give a speech at a Falun Dafa Conference. Greetings, fellow disciples. Greetings Master.
When I first chose to go to China I was sitting in a hotel lobby in Washington DC with a fellow practitioner. He looked at me and said, "Let's do it. Let's go." As we pondered the idea, we laughed, joked back and forth wondered what the look on the faces of the Chinese would be if they saw Westerners shouting "Falun Dafa Hao" in Tiananmen Square. We knew it would touch their hearts, but I seemed to keep talking about how great this event would be. WOW, this will be so great and so many people will hear about it. It will cause a real crack in the lies spread by the head of the evil.
Aside from the fact that we could "clarify the truth," we didn't seem to have much understanding of the Fa based on what we were planning to do. However, we joked about this or that happening. We are practitioners, so we did know the seriousness of what we were doing. But I was not handling it in a very mature manner. Even when I got my visa I laughed and joked about how foolish they were to give me a visa because I have been publicly recognized as a Dafa practitioner in the Chinese media. Rather than being touched by the power of the Fa, I was acting like a child. Yet, with Fa-study and the compassion of my fellow practitioners, my rather poor cultivation state began to improve.
Some practitioners that I spoke with were telling me "you can't do this, or that" or "you have to do this and that in this way and that way." At this point I became quite irritated and snapped at them, "Just because I am going to Beijing, don't think this is only my cultivation. It is your cultivation too because you know about it. That means you have to take this as your cultivation too otherwise you will cause damage to yourselves and to what we are doing." Although I was right, I used that principle to defend myself. Despite my rather rude tone, my fellow practitioners accepted my sharp comments with larger hearts than mine and did, in fact, take it as their cultivation. A small group of us studied the Fa together and prepared for the trip. Because everyone was so busy, most of the time Joel and I ended up studying the Fa together. Through constant study and experience sharing, I began to see many parts of my heart that I dared not face, so I hid from them calling them "interference." Through further study of the Fa and discussion with fellow practitioners, my deviated nature, which had many attachments, had less and less room to hide until it was as plain as day. I realized that I wanted to promote myself. I wanted to use this special period of time and sacred mission to promote myself. As much as I didn't want to admit it, it was true.
At first, another Canadian and I planned to go to China on October first (the Chinese national day). We figured there would be so many people there on such a special day. Although I dared not admit it to myself in the beginning, I uncovered a strong competitive and combative heart. I thought to myself, "I'll show them (the Chinese authorities)." I will wait until no one is looking and run into their parade with my banner. I will run along side the marching soldiers and rolling tanks shouting "Falun Dafa Hao." Maybe, I could even climb onto a tank. As I laughed to myself about how angry it would make the Chinese President and how famous I would become, I relished the idea more and more. When I saw the dirty and filthy extent of my depraved and deviated nature that clearly was not the heart of a practitioner, I felt embarrassed and disgusted. At that point, I chose not to go to China.
My heart was calmer and cleaner, and I had a better understanding of my role in Fa-rectification. In the past, I always wanted to do something great for Dafa, something significant or something important. However, that was based on my attachments to my own fame and personal interest. There was a pure heart for the Fa in me. However, my intentions and actions were being polluted by my deviated side. In the end, I always weighed or at least acknowledged what I could gain from what I was doing. But now this was gone, and I could see the significance of all of things we were doing, regardless of how big or small they looked in this dimension. I saw all the various things around me that I had neglected, and what would be left undone if I kept pursuing fame. My heart no longer wanted to promote myself, and I had a deeper understanding of my role and of the role of a Dafa disciple.
Later, I read an email from a practitioner. Some practitioners were discussing going to Tiananmen Square and some of them thought it wasn't a good idea. It turned out that people from around the world would be going. When I realized that this might turn into an international event, I began to re-evaluate the situation. I was not sure if it was the best thing to do. So I didn't want to encourage others to go. If someone were to go from Canada it should be Joel or me. On the other hand, if someone from Canada didn't go, it would be a shame. Furthermore, the original, pure part of my heart that wanted to clarify the truth to the Chinese was still quite strong. There was no doubt in my mind that my motivation to go on this trip was based on my responsibility to validate the Fa. This time, it wasn't for myself and I felt it. But I still wasn't sure if I should go.
Over the next few weeks I did my best to look into my heart and figure out what to do, from the perspective of my cultivation within this mighty Fa-rectification. "What would be best?" I asked myself. For many days I began weighing the pros and cons of the various outcomes of my possible journey to China. Many reasons kept coming to me why I should not go. I thought, "Maybe you are still attached to fame. The Canadian public will misunderstand. Chinese people will misunderstand. You will damage the Fa." But all these seemed very superficial rationalizations based on hypothetical situations. It didn't seem as though I was looking at things from the perspective of the Fa. There was still some time before I had to make my decision, so I calmly kept searching my heart.
One evening at a group study, I sat quietly looking in my heart while everyone was reading. For the past couple of days I had not acted like myself, and I suddenly saw why. I was afraid. I was afraid for my own safety. All those other surface reasons were all being used to hide the fact that I was afraid. At that moment, my heart became light and happy, and tears welled up in my eyes. Throughout my entire life, I never thought I was afraid for my own life, yet the fear was just hiding and causing a lot of interference in my cultivation. Now, I could see this deviation, and there was no doubt in my mind that I would eliminate it.
That night I made up my mind to go. Regardless of how afraid I might become, fear absolutely would not stop me. I knew that I should not go to face my fear, but I also wouldn't let it stop me from validating Dafa. Although my mind was clear at that time, I had no idea how afraid I was and how hard it was going to be. But I was going and was confident that I would rise to the occasion.
One fellow practitioner said that I didn't have faith in the Fa, because I was preparing to be followed and planned on how to lose my tail. I laughed at her like an arrogant human, rather than looking into my heart. How could I not have faith in the Fa? It just sounded so ridiculous. Yet, because her heart was more compassionate than mine, she calmly drove the point home. I had to face the fact that she was right. I doubted the Fa. She told me not to think in a human way, worrying about being followed, and have faith in the Fa and just do what had to be done. I didn't want to listen, but I knew she was right. I was counting on my skills rather than having faith in the Fa.
Although my mind seemed firm and clear, I had no idea how strong the fear really was. In fact, in many instances it was virtually crippling. But I just kept putting each shaking leg in front of the other as I made my way into China, and as I made my way to Tiananmen Square.
Before going to Tiananmen Square, I spent virtually the entire day in Zhong Shan Park. The entire time spent prior to entering Tiananmen Square was dedicated to studying Fa and clearing myself, the same way we do before sending forth righteous thoughts.
Various evil thoughts and notions bothered me all day, trying to cloud my mind and destabilize my heart. One of the most common things that happened was that I saw myself in police custody. In this imaginary situation, I handled the police so well that I always ended up being a hero. Then, I realized the evil was using my attachment to fame to make me think I would be arrested. There was a gap in my mind, so the evil could get in and arrest me. When I noticed this I strengthened my righteous mind and vigorously eliminated all evil in me without stopping for a long period of time. I didn't stop and dared not leave a chance for them to take control of my mind. The evil did its best to cause trouble, mentally, physically and emotionally, but I just kept clearing myself.
About ten minutes before I left, all internal interference was non-existent. I was pacing very slowly around a large tree and I felt like and immense and mighty giant. My mind and heart were boundless and my mind became clear. Then, without thinking I spoke very quietly to myself, "I will validate this Fa and leave China today." As I recited this, my steps became firmer and my purpose was clear. It felt as though each step was shaking many other vast dimensions, so I began to take lighter steps. Full of mercy and compassion for the universe, I paced around slowly, lightly placing one foot down in front of the other until I had five minutes left to meet the other practitioners in the square.
The events on the square were timeless and yet over in an instant. When my mind was righteous I was literally invisible. When my mind wasn't, I was caught instantly. When my mind was righteous again, the evil was weak and helpless, but because I left a gap in my mind, they eventually captured me. Ultimately, I did validate the Fa that day, but I didn't leave and go home. Instead, the evil had me but it didn't matter to me. It was a great chance to clarify the truth to the Chinese police officers.
When I finally arrived home I was welcomed twice. Once in a city on the west coast and once in a place in the east. In the past, this would have been a test for me. However, when I arrived in Canada my heart was still in China. The situation is so complicated and evil. It is a very terrible situation for those helplessly lost in it. It troubled my heart a great deal. Many practitioners even treated me as some sort of hero. Many times, I wanted scold them in a very harsh manner, but instead I kindly asked them to cultivate their speech. My heart has indeed changed a great deal, and I felt like a new person.
It seemed as though my attachment to fame and conceit were gone. Well, it seemed that way.
I continued to clarify the truth and even started writing a book about my experiences so ordinary people could understand practitioners better. For many days, I could feel the existence of perfected and splendid paradises. I could hear all of the beings celebrating. I can't really describe it so I will just say it was too wonderful. At that point, my deeply hidden attachment to self-recognition surfaced. The demons were very happy to see that. I didn't fully recognize it, or you could say I didn't want to recognize it. I tried to hide from it. I didn't want to admit that after all I had been through, my fundamental attachment had not been destroyed. Instead, I listened to the voices in my head that began to tell me how well I rectified this universe, how happy I made heavenly beings. Then, I began to deviate and enlighten along an evil path, the fruitless path of complacency and zealotry.
Of course, I didn't fully know it at the time, since I was deceiving myself. The worst part is that once you begin to put one kind of sentimentality before the Fa, then all other kinds of sentimentality come to the surface slowly becoming tools for the demons to take control. Like Master explained in Florida "When a cultivator's mind departs from the Fa, the evil will find its way in….When a person himself doesn't have righteous thoughts, all the bad things in the cosmos, or in the Three Realms, will flow around continually in the human body, and even when they stay there the person doesn't realize it. That's how people are manipulated…" Then, the other various forms of sentimentality strengthened and interfered with what I was supposed to be doing. Furthermore, I interfered with other practitioners in what they were supposed to be doing. This went on for just over a month.
One day, I was trying to turn on my notebook (small computer) so that I could continue working on my book. I was close to finishing the second half. But every time I turned on the computer the operating system would not start properly. After trying the various ways to start the operating system and having none of them work, I sat down to send forth righteous thoughts. However, that didn't seem too work, either. So I pulled out the computer disk that I had this portion of the book backed up on and tried to open this file and it wouldn't open. Other documents opened on that disk but not the second half of my book, which just happened to be several weeks of work. This was obvious interference and a direct attack by the evil. The portion that was lost was from the morning that we all went to the Square until I got back to Toronto. This was the largest and most important part of the book. I kept telling myself to remain calm and I repeated everything one more time. Nothing worked, and I was about to loose control and get really frantic. As I calmed down, I called another practitioner who is a computer expert. He told me to come to his place of work right away.
As I packed up, I couldn't help but feel heavy in my heart because I knew that this was my fault. Surly demons were interfering, but how could they interfere with me if I didn't give them the chance? As disappointed as I was in myself, I tried to remain calm. A practitioner called my phone on the way to the computer store and told me that everything was going to be fine, and that I would find my other half of the book. I knew he didn't know that for sure, but he was keeping a righteous mind, and that inspired me. I began to clear myself. I realized that I had left a lot of space for the evil, and if they can cause such problems, then there must be more around. Master said that His gong can do more than one thing at one time. I enlightened to the supernormal nature of gong and began to clear myself and send forth righteous thoughts at the same time. Since I am still in the process of cultivation, it wouldn't do if I didn't continue to look in my heart for my shortcomings. This decision and enlightenment to clear myself, send forth righteous thoughts and look in my heart for my shortcomings were all done in succession, yet it was still very quick. Once all three were underway, my hands tightened around my steering wheel and my jaw locked. My spine became a cement pillar of rushing energy and I used all my upper body strength to try and hold my body still as it began to shake quite forcefully.
It was as though a large solid tunnel was being broken through by gong, and I reached a point were I saw something very deviated in myself. Furthermore, I could see all the various ways the evil had used it and how it interfered with other practitioners' cultivation and Fa-rectification. At that moment, I could either accept what I saw or deny it. That is, I could either take responsibility for it or I could hide and pretend that it wasn't me. This time, I faced it head on and pain shot through my head as it was destroyed. As I continued charging down this tunnel, I continued telling Master that I was still here and OK as I tightened my grip my steering wheel trying to hold myself still as my body continued to shake. Then, I came to another, more deviated part of my being. This one was the cause of the previous deviation and the awakening to my attachments and the problems it caused were even worse. I told Master that, I harbored that heart and I accepted responsibility for my wrong doings and the shaking got even more forceful and pain shot through my head again. All my muscles were flexed very tightly, and my jaw was locked tight, so I spoke to Master through my teeth "Master I am still here, I am OK." While I tried to keep the shaking down my eyes filled with tears because I could sense Master's compassion and again I was charging down the tunnel until the original deviation and it various attachments were there. It was my fundamental attachment, the moment when I became pleased by the celebration of the heavenly beings. The Fa was rectifying the universe, and at that moment in time, I took credit for it placing myself before mighty Dafa. My fundamental attachment was revealed again, and I chose to keep it instead of eliminating it. At that moment, I chose to face it, accept responsibility for it and eliminate it. This time my surface body almost couldn't bear the stress as the powerful current of gong intensified. Then, I heard a loud snapping noise and one of the bones in my chest cracked. In another space it felt like an explosion. The shaking subsided, my heavy breathing began to calm down and my jaw loosened. I looked down at my chest and said "WOW… OW." Then, I remembered that it didn't matter because I am a practitioner and then the bone was mended by gong.
At this point, I kept sending forth righteous thoughts, clearing myself and looking into my heart. Now, I was calm and my mind was still and very serious. I was not doing it from the perspective of my cultivation in Fa-rectification. Instead, it was simply my responsibility. It was my responsibility for all those who had missed their chance, to all those who have destroyed their chance. It was my responsibility to the Fa, all its living beings at all levels and to most holy pure and divine Master. I decided that, regardless of whether or not I could recover the book, I would re-write it and make up for the losses I had created. I will make up for losses in this or other dimensions. My mind became more firm and determined and my understanding became better about how the Fa manifests at different levels. That is, we need to rectify anything within our reach. Be it in our own being or different levels and dimensions. Never forgetting to do everything well and correcting this level as well. I guess it is just a deeper understanding of being responsible for all righteous elements in the universe and eliminating all the evil that persecutes Dafa.
So, I walked into the computer store and gave my computer to the fellow practitioner who then retrieved the file. The note book was almost permanently damaged and had to be sent in for repairs.
After reading Master's Florida lecture again a few quotes stood out very clearly.
"Also, you need to pay attention to one issue: you are Dafa disciples, so you should always look within whenever you run into problems -- it's guaranteed that many of the problems are your problems, whether you want to look at yourself or not, or whether you think of them or not. In the future, when you see the truth, you'll realize that everything had a reason." Master had even mentioned this principle quite clearly in the articles "Expounding on the Fa" and "Towards Consummation," but I didn't take responsibility for what I understood.
I had thought that many problems in the past month or so were xinxing tests arranged for me to enlighten to the Fa and to break through level after level. Yet, it was all due to my own deviation. And the evil was making use of it. Master also said, "It's just that right now the old evil forces think that Dafa disciples have not yet been completely tempered and become mature, and need to be tempered further, and they think that they still need to keep up the evil. Of course, the old evil forces want to do this, but I don't recognize these things one bit."
I am not supposed to acknowledge the evil, so I eliminated it. It surely wouldn't cause the problems if I were able to be a mature Dafa disciple. If I were mature, wouldn't my righteous thoughts be stronger and more effective, wouldn't I be able to work with practitioners better and wouldn't I be able to save more beings so they don't miss their chance? Yes, of course, but my lack of responsibility and maturity has undermined my cultivation and role as a Dafa particle in Fa-rectification since day one of my obtaining the Fa.
In the past, I would have beaten myself up, been sad because I was such a poor practitioner or because I had betrayed Master, and so forth and so on. These concerns seem selfless, but they are all in relation to me and how good or bad I am. It was in fact my very self-centered approach to understanding the Fa that I harbored for far too long. But this was much too serious and it wasn't just about myself anymore.
Instead, it is for the universe and all its varying forms of life and their manifestations at different levels that I do what I do, for the eternal stability of the Great Law. Not so I don't disgrace Master, or the Fa, or those waiting for me in heaven, not so that I can reach Consummation, and not just for the beings, which rely on me for salvation. Instead, it is for the Fa itself, of which we are particles. Everything else falls into place and is important, but my standpoint should be from the Fa.
One Saturday I decided not to go to the Chinese Consulate because I had too many important things to do. I just figured that I could do it anywhere, and that it didn't matter. But then something told me to just go, not because you want to or don't want to, but to just go. So I turned my car around and went to the Chinese Consulate. Once we started to send forth righteous thoughts I didn't just feel gong coming from my body, but I felt the rotation of immense celestial bodies rotating inside me. There is no way to describe with words but my human side began to weep and came to better understand something else Master said in Florida:
"In the past it wasn't called 'sending forth righteous thoughts,' it was 'divine powers' -- using divine powers, Buddha Fa's divine powers. Everyday people have referred to it as 'supernormal abilities.' So why do I call it sending forth righteous thoughts? Since you're doing Dafa cultivation, everything should be the most magnificent and the purest. None of the things we do are just about your personal cultivation. We have to also consider the Fa, and we have to consider the new beings of the future, and, at the same time, we have to consider the form of beings in the future."
I used to think of sending forth righteous thoughts as using supernormal capabilities to eliminate evil the same way you'd use a gun. Sending out and eliminating a target. But we are Dafa particles rectifying the universe, saving great Lords and Kings of many divine and incomparably wonderful places. If that is the case, then what does that make us? In fact, I don't think about it and don't encourage others to, either. I am only trying to share my understanding of the solemnity and sacredness of a Dafa disciple.
Master said in Washington DC, "Cherish the present time and make the best use of it--this time is meant for the disciples."
In fact, everything is virtually finished. Except for ourselves and what we must do. Fellow disciples, let's do it together, within the Fa so we can meet Master's request to do even better.
The above is my understanding through my experiences, so please point out anything you see as incorrect.
Thank you
Presented at the 2002 New York Falun Dafa Experience Sharing Conference.
