Searching in the Maze

Thousands of miles searching for the dream,
Without finding a destination.
Turning my head, a sudden enlightenment.
Already within a wondrous place,
Words hard to describe what's in sight.

I recently wrote this poem, which I hope to complement my painting exhibition in Paris, entitled "Searching in the Maze." I have long been searching for the truth of life, beauty, and art. In 1987, I painted "Venus and an Apple", in which Venus represents perfection and immortality, while the apple represents past mishaps and hopes and confusions about the future. With complicated feelings similar to the conflicts in the painting, in August of that year, I left China for the U.S., on the other side of the vast ocean.

The burden of studies and living in my new environment shattered my dream of seeking perfection and immortal things in life, and disappointments drove me to believe that there was no perfection, nothing eternal in the world but only "deterioration", which I started to take as the only reality. I began to delimit beauty in the conflicts and contrasts that are made of "deterioration", such as in my works Goddess Tear, 1990, Footprints I, II, III, 1991, and Flower Time Tear, 1995. I wanted to assemble incomplete, imperfect objects to express "deterioration" in Spring Spray, 1995. I applied perspectives of multiple angles, different times and spaces, and thick texture to portray the complexity and arduousness of the human world.

In 1996, I had the great fortune to learn Falun Gong (also known as Falun Dafa). It is a cultivation practice with tranquil exercises. Besides physical movements, Falun Gong teaches people to look within themselves and evaluate their thinking and behavior according to the universal principles of Truthfulness, Compassion and Tolerance. The more I practiced Falun Gong, the healthier and more energetic I became, and the purer and cleaner my mind became.

One day, as I strolled through the art gallery of Carpenter Center at Harvard University, a huge oil painting caught my attention. Its unharmonious colors and disorderly composition reflected the painter's messy emotions while creating it. When I perceived this, it made me recall the anxieties and confusions I used to have. However, at that moment, I, on the contrary, was very peaceful inside. I was triggered to contemplate: What is the truth of beauty? What is the truth of art? What is the truth of life? Isn't it truth when I am expressing a joyful feeling in a tranquil state? How come I used to be so narrow-minded and took "deterioration" as the only truth? A classic Chinese fable, "Blind Men Feeling an Elephant", came to mind. The fable tells the story of several blind men arguing over what an elephant looks like. Each blind man touches only a part of the elephant and then declares that the elephant looks exactly like that part he feels. Likewise, I had taken the first island I contacted in the sea of life and art as a destination. People are likely to take what they can feel and understand as reality and what they haven't experienced or understood as non-existent or wrong. It is like two people on a ball. One person stands on one side and the other person on the other side. They see completely different things and each of them thinks he is right and the other person is wrong. Only once they both have come off this ball, and are able to see things from a higher level, do they know they have both been right and wrong because neither was able to see the whole picture. Furthermore, things observed to be similar on the surface can be essentially different, as far apart as heaven and earth. For example, for the same purpose of exhibiting the beauty of classical style, one person can often use his imagination mixed with hope and anxiety; another can fall in with just appealing to popular tastes, and a third person can follow his heart to naturally express what he feels inside. Because I had not reached a high enough realm of understanding, because I had many ambiguous concepts and an oversimplified mode of thinking, I used to mistakenly believe that in today's post-modern time, the approach of the classical style is only an aesthetic interest towards history. To express classical style in the current time would be to polish over today's reality like putting make-up on it. When I walked out of my narrow-mindedness, my vision broadened and I was set free from modern theories and schools. I felt like I was a long, thin, silky thread unwinding from my heart and able to be woven into any painting.

But after I started to paint with my new approach, I was still interfered with by my old notions and habits. The cultivation in Falun Gong has guided me to look inward and to get rid of the bad things in order to improve myself. Gradually, I have come to understand the basic forms and states in which life exists – a life has its individual form of existence, and maintains and produces various relations with its surroundings, similar to a planet in the universe, where the planet rotates on its own axis, maintains its constant position in relation to other planets, and revolves in the bigger circulation. When it rotates, it is not entangled with other planets and it is at ease. Let us imagine that this planet is intertwined with other planets. Once it moves, so will others. If other planets don't move, neither will it, which means every time it moves, it demands of others as well. I had forgotten my independence and given too much weight to the surroundings. Therefore, whatever step I had taken, I was entangled by factors in my surroundings, factors such as other people's evaluations, namely concerns about my reputation. In fact, a person, like a planet without its individual rotation, has to rely on others. Such a reliance generates his demand on others and this demand makes him unable to be selfless, which in various states then causes significant harm to others. At the same time, this life cannot develop as well as he should because he is tied up with, and heavily influenced by everything around him. As an artist, I had always been afraid of losing my self and my individuality. Now I realize what I have lost are just the vague or distorted concepts and extra things that did not belong to my life. When I found myself back at my complete and independent self, I felt such a joy and relaxation and sense of freedom, such as I have never felt before. Several times, when I woke up early in the morning, I knew I was still wearing a smile on my face.

Recently, I have been traveling around Paris, visiting the Louvre every day, and like an artist, doing pencil sketches before the statue of Venus. I am conquered by the perfection of Venus, yet I don't know which artist constructed her. I can better understand this artist, who left not his name but a beauty to people. I have come to realize that I am only a small piece of color or a small musical symbol, yet I am able to travel freely in any time and space. I no longer care whether people know of me or how they evaluate me, but I want to pour out the beauty I have been experiencing, dedicate this beauty to all in this world who love and pursue beauty, and bring to everyone Falun Gong, which has helped me find beauty. More will benefit from Falun Gong just as I have, and make the world more beautiful.

January 2002, in Paris
Revised on February 5

Translated from:
http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2002/2/8/13700.html