PureInsight | February 2, 2004
[PureInsight.org] I remember that Master Li told us in one of his lectures that everything that happens in life has a cause. Therefore, I now understand after more than 3-1/2 years of practicing Falun Dafa that no matter how many difficulties I experienced, they all helped me eliminate karma and helped me attain "virtue." I know today that I have to thank Dafa for anything I attained. But, even before I obtained the Fa, I instinctively understood that nothing happened without a cause. Thus, I was known as the most positive person, as no difficulty devastated me to the point that I could not treat others with respect and in a friendly manner. But know I believe that much in my life prepared me towards my journey as a Falun Dafa practitioner.
I recall vividly the 1-1/2 years of my daughter's suffering from a very debilitating cancer (Ewing Sarcoma) as a patient at the National Institute of Health (NIH), although more than 12 years have passed since she died at the age of 18. Her pain was excruciating as the cancer broke many bones in her body. I thought even then I would not have wished this pain on my worst enemy. It was so tough to sit at her bedside, unable to help. Sitting there, I remembered that a witch had told me during my schooling in England that I would live to be over 100 years old. Having experienced the loneliness of some elderly people I thought deep in my heart that I did not want to be that old. So I talked to God and told him that I did not really wish to be that old and that I would not mind if he took a number of years and gave them to my daughter so she could live longer. Nothing happened and I began to realize that she would really die. Yet, I saw her pain and her agony, so I continued my bargaining with God. I told him that he could still take many of my years or give me some of the pain as to make her pain more bearable. I did not know at the time if it helped, as the pain was still excruciating. Yet God must have heard me, and her pain must have lessened, as I became very sick after she died. Isn't it an everyday people saying: beware of what you wish for? After that I was for 8+ years on chemotherapy, experimental treatments and steroids. I was in remission and then relapsed again. Every relapse was filled with unbearable nausea. I understood that each relapse would increase the chances of losing my eyesight and my hearing fully. Yet, I always knew and told others that this must be due to my bargaining with God when my daughter was dying.
In September of 1999 I was sent to Nigeria and the Ivory Coast, just before President Clinton went on his Africa trip, to evaluate the banking sector. I had been fine for a few months and was sure I could go on that trip. To my utter consternation I relapsed again the day I had to leave on my trip. I did not call my doctors, and instead of immediately starting on chemo I went to an emergency clinic and was given medication to stop the symptoms. I knew that it was imperative to take the medicine only for a very short period of time. I stopped it the day I returned and collapsed at the office. I knew I had done something stupid, as I was now in stage three/four instead of stage one. I should have started chemo before I left. I was started on a very toxic chemo and steroid treatments. Then, as these treatments did not work any more I was given experimental treatments. Finally, as nothing helped, I had surgery that had only limited success.
During that time when I did not know the outcome I looked at myself. I found that although many people thought that I was a wonderful person, a role model, I did not like myself. I knew that my thoughts were often ugly, competitive and angry. It just could not be seen on the outside. Also, I was one of those wonderful drivers who refused to let anyone in front of her. You can imagine that I did not like my driving habits either. Therefore, I prayed to God over and over again and told him that I could not get rid of my bad thoughts and other bad habits by myself and that I needed help.
Then in January 2000, I drove my newly purchased car to work after a snowstorm. Someone cut in front of me and I blew my horn. He stepped on his brake and stopped abruptly. I had to stop as not to hit him. My car went into a tailspin. I saw the other cars coming towards me in slow motion. I was not scarred. Something made my foot step on the gas pedal, something one should not do when in a tailspin. The car literally jumped into a snowdrift. The repairs cost about a thousand dollars, which was mostly paid for by the insurance company. At that time, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone or something had saved me and I thanked whoever it was in my mind. Now I know that Master Li was already taking care of me.
During that time I saw on TV the Falun Gong exercises performed by practitioners in California. All I remembered was that this is what I was looking for. I remembered that it was some kind of qigong. I got onto the Internet and went to the bookstore. Everything I looked at was not what I was looking for. It took me several months to find material about Falun Dafa. I finally saw an article about Master Li in the Washington Post and soon after I downloaded China Falun Gong and Zhuan Falun from the website. I read them (about 1 chapter daily) besides reading other so-called spiritual books. After reading Zhuan Falun partly through, I put the other books on the bookshelf in my study and decided to keep them as they had not been cheap. When reading Zhuan Falun the second time, I suddenly got up in mid-chapter and put these books into the garbage can. I did not want to give them to anyone else, as I thought if they are not good for me, they are not good for anyone. Since then I have been practicing Falun Gong.
After practicing for maybe six months to a year I finally realized that I no longer needed medication. I was well. I no longer relapsed. My eyesight and hearing did not get worse. My skin had become rosy and no one believes that I'm 62 years old. Believe me, I looked that age before. Now I look years younger. Everyone at my office who knew me then and knows me now remarks on this and I keep telling about Falun Dafa. I wear a button with Dafa things on it all the time, even to high-level meetings and tell everyone that this is my jewelry. No one has asked me to remove the button, but lately I find more often people asking what Falun Dafa is all about.
As an afterthought I wish to add that about 1-2 years ago, I can't remember when exactly, a strong voice inside my head asked me several times if I wanted to return the karma to my daughter. I did not have to think about that. I had made a deal with God. I had made a promise. A promise for me is sacrosanct. I would not go back on my word. I do not know if my action was right or wrong. But, how could I return to my daughter what I had promised to take on, especially after she had suffered so much already.
The years as a Falun Dafa practitioner has wrought changes in me I never expected. I still have thoughts I don't like, but I'm able to fight them. Most of the time when I am in a situation that is tough to handle I remember the persecution those steadfast Dafa practitioners in China suffer and I can jump the hurdle, although sometimes better than at other times. My family can accept now that I will not give up Falun Dafa. I know now that I'm here because of Falun Dafa and for Falun Dafa and nothing will change this.
