PureInsight | February 9, 2004
[PureInsight.org] I try to be a diligent practitioner in the Fa-rectification period, but it is not very easy. Neither my family nor the people my family associates with practice Falun Dafa. But as Master Li said we should always consider first that we do not hurt others with our actions. For a long time I was contemplating what I would do if I were in China and how I could help our Chinese brethren in their struggle to practice Falun Dafa. However, I did not earnestly consider traveling to China until one of my Chinese practitioner friends told me that I might not consummate, as I was not, from her point of view, too active in the Fa-rectification process. I mulled over this and looked at what I was and was not doing. I knew that I was diligent in my Fa-cultivation. I helped in the preparation of presentation materials and was part of the group giving presentations at Universities. I translate and polish articles and do many other things.
Yes, it was true that I am not at the practice site very often, nor do I distribute flyers very often. I did not see this as an impediment towards consummation as I did not believe that one should hand flyers to people. I remembered whenever someone gave me a flyer, I was too polite to say no and then threw the flyer into the garbage can. I thought that people would pick them up if they became interested when they saw us practicing. However, I do wear the Dafa button all the time, and as I meet with a number of people, travel or go to conferences, I would talk about Falun Dafa. I would describe how Dafa helps me become a better person, and let go of anger, jealousy and competitiveness. Others will say what a great job I do or how great I look compared to when I was on chemotherapy. I would use this as introduction to talk about Dafa and hand out a flyer. I also was active in various other activities for Dafa, such as preparing presentation material, being in panel discussions, writing letters for others etc. Yet, this remark became another attachment and I worried about not doing enough. I work 9-hour days and I'm the only practitioner in my family and thus have to balance Dafa work and family needs. What could I do? Then, I was told about the trip to China and I jumped at the opportunity. I would go too. Yes, I had thought about going to China, but did not see how I would accomplish this. Now, I had the chance to go in a group setting.
There was not one moment when I questioned this decision. I knew with all my heart that I had to go to China. I was without fear and felt that I was invincible. The difficult part was to convince my family. My husband and children are not practitioners and were completely against such a trip. I know that they were not against my traveling as I do travel to other countries, but they feared for me, although I told them that I had no fear in my heart. My husband stated that Falun Dafa came first before the family. I believed his answer to be true but did not wish to hurt his feelings and thus told him that I would refrain from an answer. That night I realized that I was unfair to my husband and by the morning I knew my answer. I told my husband that I would answer his question and I saw him cringe, not knowing what to expect. I told him that family events came first over Falun Dafa events. However, I continued, I'm not asking you to choose between Hinduism and me, so please do not make me choose between Falun Dafa and you. I continued that I would choose Falun Dafa. He accepted my answer and from then on was rather active in helping prepare for my trip, although he continued to be worried and stated daily that he rather I would not go. My son was angry because I had not gotten his permission for this trip and though he did not wish me to go he was very proud of my decision. My daughter unfortunately is still angry and that is because of the way I told her. I told her in a joking way and so far have not been able to correct my action.
The last two weeks before the trip I refrained from watching TV, read Zhuan Falun more extensively and prepared myself mentally for this trip. I wished to clean as much contamination from my mind as possible. Whenever I had thoughts of how I would act I told myself that these were not the thoughts of a practitioner. Did Master not say that a practitioner's thought could become reality? I believed that I would know how to behave, react and what to say once in China and that I did not want to pollute my mind.
I did tell myself that the evil won't be able to touch me and that I did not go with the intention to get arrested, but to tell the truth and show the Chinese people that Falun Dafa was legally practiced throughout the world. I knew that Falun Dafa practitioners had demonstrated worldwide in front of Chinese Embassies and had contacted human rights groups and many countries governments. Yet, the world had only responded in condemnations, proclamations, and platitudes. The tortures had intensified and the horror Chinese practitioners have to bear are unbelievable. For me, a citizen of a free country, where I can practice my spiritual belief, this is unacceptable. I wanted to let the Chinese practitioners know that I understood their plight and that I did not wish to hide in my comfortable home in the country where I have the liberty to choose the way I want to live my life.
There were tribulations before leaving, but not strong enough to put even a small dent into my resolve. I bought material for two banners and had a practitioner friend write in Chinese "Falun Dafa is Good" and "Zhen Shan Ren." Unfortunately the person who was to give me the banners lost them. I thought, if my traveling partner and I were supposed to have the banners, they would be found. I was also told that there would be enough banners for all of us. And I believe that I was correct in my belief, as the banners were found and returned to us after our return.
I wanted to read daily Zhuan Falun and Master's lectures to prepare myself for the demonstration. Therefore, my husband bought me a hand-held computer that was supposed to retain power for 15 days. He loaded all of Master's lectures, scriptures, Zhuan Falun and Essentials for Further Advancement into the computer's memory. Well, 5 hours into the trip the power became low and I could no longer read all I thought I needed to keep myself strong in face of the evil and adversity.
We arrived in Beijing and did some sight seeing. I found out I could borrow lecture eight and nine of Zhuan Falun from a fellow practitioner. The night before the demonstration, about 12:15 a.m., a Chinese male and female police officer broke into our hotel room. They were polite while questioning us. They asked if we had heard of Falun Gong. I responded that I did. They wanted to know how, and I said in newspapers, television, etc. Then I heard my partner respond that we worked in close proximity and had lunch together. I assumed that the male officer had asked how we knew each other. Well, it might have looked unusual, as I'm an elderly white lady and a younger African American female. I chirped in that I worked "under" President Bush and they spoke in Chinese, repeating President Bush several times and left shortly after thanking us for our cooperation. As we were not sure if our room was bugged or if the mirror was a two-way mirror, we wrote little notes on my partner's palm. The next day we moved to another hotel and changed our tickets to an earlier departure date. The airline did not charge an additional fee, although we had special excursion fare tickets, and told us that they were very embarrassed about the police breaking into our room.
We took a taxi from the hotel near the airport to Tiananmen Square. I guess I was scared, as my stomach was full of "butterflies." Therefore I repeated for a long time: "The Fa rectifies the cosmos, I let go of all human emotions." I also said: "I'm a god, the evil cannot touch me." This was the first time and the last time my mind let me see myself as a god. At all other times I see myself as a practitioner who practices to return to her origins. The taxi driver dropped us off about a half hour's walk from Tiananmen Square. With the help of some kind people, we got directions to Tiananmen Square. I was no longer frightened. There were many policemen, often in groups. They seemed to ignore us. I was surprised when I was told later on that Westerners (even if they weren't practitioners) were arrested in underground crossings, hotels, etc.
On our arrival at Tiananmen Square we saw many police men/women, police buses and police vans/cars. We discussed what to do. We did not see any Westerners and were puzzled at what had happened. We knew we were not late. Yet, we decided to enter Tiananmen Square. We were immediately stopped, asked for our passports and very lightly searched. We were again asked if we had heard of Falun Gong and I said sure, in newspapers, etc. Then I was asked if I study Falun Gong. I knew that I do not study Falun Gong. I practice Falun Gong. Studying to me was not the word I would use to describe my practice of Falun Gong. I knew I could answer truthfully. Thus, I answered that: "I studied for my bachelors, my masters and my doctorate. I am a doctor. I am sick and tired of studying it or anything else." The male and female police officer laughed, thanked us for our cooperation, explained what the surrounding buildings were and let us go.
We saw no Westerners and knew that something was wrong. My partner asked if we should walk separately as people starred at her because of her hairstyle. I was touched by her compassion to help me but we came together and we would leave together. Then I believe that I heard my partner say: let's abort and I agreed. But what should we do? I said, maybe to convince myself, several times that we had agreed to demonstrate in a group, did not have the banners and thus could not make a difference. We were constantly followed by plain-clothes policemen and instinctively realized that one word and we would be arrested. I just could not see a reason to be arrested if I could not prove my point. I was not going to be touched by the perpetrators of the evil. It was unreal to see all the power of a police state and not be affected by it.
We circled Tiananmen Square a number of times and were searched several times, as well as asked to see our passports. Many Chinese families and individuals asked to take pictures with us. Mostly the children were the first ones who asked for us to have a picture taken with them. Thus, others got the courage and asked too. I remember the last policeman who asked to see our passports. He looked so tense, angry and ready to take action. I could only smile at him. He seemed frustrated that he could not take action. Surprisingly a young Chinese girl with whom we had taken pictures earlier passed by and greeted us cheerfully in English and we returned her greeting. Thinking back now, I did not feel the evil of the place although others told me later that they could feel the evil. I found it amusing to see all the police, the plain-clothes officers, the police cars, vans, etc. I looked at a piece of cement square that had stone monuments, but looked totally unimpressive. I felt that I was someone looking in but not present and found the situation comical.
We finally saw two of our practitioner friends from Washington D.C. What should we do? Should we join them? Before we could make a decision another of our Washington D.C. practitioner friends showed up and it was funny. He was dressed in yellow with red scarf and hat and carried a walking stick. He could not have said louder: I'm a Falun Gong practitioner. He walked purposefully towards the other two and behind him trotted two police officers and behind them drove one of the police vans. My partner and I just stood there, watched and said "O my god!" Surprisingly the police only looked at their passports and then left.
We did not know what to do. Then they saw us and one of them waved with the hand which looked to me like come and join us, while my partner thought it meant go, leave. Well, we joined them and I hugged the lady practitioner who said: go, leave. We were confused. One of the practitioners said he was hungry and would go to eat. We were not hungry and did not want to join, but continue walking on the square. Now we understand that after they left us, they walked around the statute and when one practitioner tried to pull out the banner from his pocket they were immediately jumped by officers and could not prove their point.
We did not see anyone getting arrested or anyone validating the Fa. My partner suggested that we circle and say in our minds righteous thoughts for a while. I don't remember if I had righteous thoughts all the time or if I also watched my surroundings. I don't remember any feelings whatsoever. It was as if I was there and yet I was not there. We finally decided to leave and on our way out there was this insistent voice in my mind saying repeatedly: You have not fulfilled your pledge; you did not do what you came to do! It was unreal. All I thought that Master Li or his fashen would not say something like this. I remembered that Master Li said that we would be certain that if he talks to us that we would know and there would not be a question mark. I also remembered that Master Li said that he would listen to us but not respond. I ignored the voice and it became like an echo and then stopped.
On the way out we stopped in front of two policemen who looked at us. We were not sure where to go from here and how to return to the hotel. I had a brochure with the hotel's name in my jacket's front pocket and when looking for it felt that both policemen got rather tense and waited for what I was going to do. I felt relief from both of them when I just pulled out a brochure. I could not resist and then looked for the map. Both policemen tensed up again and after I pulled out the map I could feel the release of their tension. I did not feel any anger or evil coming from them but only friendliness.
On the way home and back in the States I was upset over not having been able to validate the Fa and not having been arrested. It was becoming an attachment. I talked to several practitioners and was told that maybe I was not supposed to be arrested. Maybe I succeeded in what I was meant to do. I let go of my attachment to my family. I was able to overcome fear before entering Tiananmen Square. I looked the evil straight in the eye and did not show fear or any other emotion. I let my family know that Falun Dafa came before anything else and yet that I would be there for them as long as they did not make me choose between one or the other. I finally could let go of my thoughts of not having succeeded in what I set out to do.
Would I do anything different if I could have known the outcome before everything happened? I don't really know for sure. Master Li said that we should be without intention and do what we are supposed to do. I always believed that I would know what I have to do at a given time. Thus, I do not really believe that I would do anything differently.
