PureInsight | January 26, 2004
[PureInsight.org] I became a practitioner post-1999, that is, in February of 2000. It has been a rocky road with 2 steps forward and one step back when I did not pass a tribulation or did not do exceptionally well with one or two of the three tasks, studying the Fa well, sending righteous thoughts, and clarifying the truth. Master said that every time we fall, we should not just lay there, but pick ourselves up and do better next time. So I keep pulling myself up and kept going. It is all too true that the Fa-Rectification period is a precious period where Fa-Rectification period disciples make a big difference in this human world. They are eliminating the evil with righteous thoughts, thus saving so many sentient beings. They are telling truth, again saving sentient beings. Yet, without studying the Fa daily, everything we are striving for comes to naught. Only in studying the Fa can we attain being one with the Fa. Otherwise, as Master pointed out, we do all we are supposed to do from a human perspective instead of from within the Fa.
Yes, The three things that Master told all Fa-Rectification disciples to do well are very tough to do well. And yet, I want to strive forwards, I want to succeed and return to my original self. The thoughts come unbidden, what happens if all of this is not true? What if I'm doing all this for naught? Where are these thoughts coming from? I decided not to search but to answer back in my mind every time with the same response: It does not really matter because without Master's words from Zhuan Falun and his lectures I could not have attacked my jealousy, my competitiveness, my making up stories about what someone might or might not do to me, my unpleasant driving habits, and my constant fighting with my husband and kids. I could not have taken the politicizing, the bickering and backstabbing in my office less seriously and let go of those angry thoughts. Yes, I am still working on giving up some of my habits, or as it is said in Zhuan Falun, my attachments. But I'm making inroads. Without Master's words this would have been impossible. I'm looking back over the past three years and find a changed person I am beginning to like better. I had prayed to God for so many times to help me find something that helps me get rid of those things I did not like about myself, no matter that everyone at my work thought I was a role model, a person to be admired. No one would have believed that I did not like my inner self. Only finding Falun Dafa accomplished this. Thank you Master.
Reading Zhuan Falun is not a problem. I read a chapter daily in the evening and the lectures while I ride the Metro. It does not matter how late it gets, I will not go to bed until I have read a chapter. So I find myself to be diligent in that. But is that enough? Master said that he finds that we read with our eyes but not with our brain. We see, but do not see. This hit home! I find also that I have stray thoughts or that I am being inattentive. I suddenly realize that I read with my eyes, but my brain did not register what I read. I go back to from where I remember to have read the section and reread it, though with a faster speed and more like speed-reading. I know fully well that I have to do better. But how can I get rid of these stray thoughts? I have tried the suggestions in reports on that subject in Clearwisdom. They seem to work for a while then here are my stray thoughts again. The funny thing is that these thoughts are not angry or fearful thoughts, as they address something that either happened many years ago or today or yesterday. I remember that Master Li said that he left us enough sentimentality to be able to live in this world. Does that also include these thoughts, or do I have to give up a deep-seated attachment I have not been able to find within myself. I know, Master Li said that he will dig deep and bring those deep-seated attachments to light and I still hope that I will continue to recognize his hints and pointers. I now believe that the suggestions and experiences from my fellow practitioners have helped them, as they addressed some attachment of theirs. But although we might be impressed with these thoughts and hope that they would help us, they are just not quite what we need to address what is lacking within us. Did Master Li not say that we all walk our own path? If all our tribulations and problems were the same we could learn from others experiences and do not have to enlighten ourselves. Looking within myself when I find that the thoughts are back is the best solution for myself. I believe that there might be many different attachments, or maybe the same attachment to be eliminated at another level we have reached. Thus, I realized that by only studying the Fa diligently are we able to recognize what has to be eliminated and be successful.
The sending of righteous thoughts is still a problem, but I'm making inroads. I find myself sometimes, especially after work in the evening, to be drooping and then be jolted at times by some electrical current. I wonder if Master is giving me a push or my zhu yishi understands my desire to stay awake and do well. I had talked in my mind to my zhu yishi and told it that I might need some help with staying awake and with stray thoughts at times. Yes, I have read a number of experience sharing reports discussing this subject. At the time I found them just what I was looking for and tried each one of them. Yet, none was foolproof. After a while I was drooping again and had to fight stray thoughts. I also looked within myself to what I am still attached to and find that the attachment must be extremely deep seated, as the stray thoughts still appear sometimes. I have times when everything goes flawlessly and then here I go again. The stray thoughts are back, the drooping off is back too. I'm struggling and hoping that one day I might take that final step and overcome what I'm so much fighting at this time. The stray thoughts are always some occurrence from my past, that is, long time ago, or my recent past, something that had hurt me badly, or something that had disturbed me or made me angry. I do not have much feeling now either way about these occurrences, but why are they still haunting me and why during righteous thoughts or when I do the exercises? I remember that Master said, that a bottle filled with dirt will sink and will rise every time dirt is removed and that we are like this. Thus, I believe that not all the attachment have been removed and I keep searching within to find them, to empty that dirty bottle more and more.
The third task is telling the truth to save sentient beings. I have heard many discussions and most of them are directed towards telling the truth to Chinese people who have been deeply misled by the Chinese government propaganda and spreading of lies. I understand that much of the truth clarification in China is done be practitioners in China, but there are also Chinese people who were misled in our country. I distribute flyers whenever possible with another practitioner, or give one to someone who notices my Dafa button and asks me about it. But the distributing flyers is difficult as I'm trying to overcome my embarrassment at standing on a street corner and giving a flyer to people who might throw it into the next garbage can. I fight my own inadequacies and try to have positive thoughts towards those coming towards me. I remember one Western gentleman when we were distributing flyers in Chinatown. He looked angry at me and said to his companion that he did not like what we were doing as this "pissed off" the Chinese government. It was raining, my brain was in slow motion, and I now know that I should have walked alongside him and tried to explain to him with a compassionate heart why we are there in the rain handing out flyers. I might have been able to change his mind. But I did not have the compassionate heart and also did not have kind thoughts towards him at the time. I'm trying to overcome such inadequacies. But I also remember the Western lady in the Metro I talked with and gave material about Dafa to, including a copy of Falun Gong. I just saw her again a few days ago and she said to me that seeing me makes her sorrows lighter and she can handle the day better. She is looking for me in the morning and hopes I'm on the same Metro and even is trying to take the first Metro in the morning to see me. Also, now more and more people in the Metro who will ignore everyone else will greet me when I enter the train in the morning, though we do not talk. I'm trying to always, though I don't always succeed, to behave in a way becoming a Falun Dafa practitioner as I'm wearing the Dafa button constantly. I feel rather disgusted with myself when I catch myself doing something a Dafa practitioner should not do. I remember the Chinese gentleman on the Metro a few months back. He was here from China and I believe he was on his way to the Chinese embassy as he got off where one catches the bus to the Embassy. He said that he was here on business, but only for a short time. I had sat down next to him and we talked. He told me when he was leaving to keep doing what I was doing. He did not seem to have bad thoughts towards Dafa. Then I remember the Chinese who sat down on the seat facing towards the isle. When he saw the button his eyes narrowed and he jumped up and went to another seat. I felt so sad for him. I did not send righteous thoughts. Recently I have started, when I see a Chinese person in the Metro, to send righteous thoughts to eliminate the evil behind them. Somehow I notice that their faces relax and look more relieved. My boss (a Westerner) was given a copy of a book about Jiang Zemin and has it facing her (my agency works with Chinese public and private sector people, including the Chinese embassy). I told her how difficult it is for me to see this man who committed and still commits such horrendous crimes. I told her about the lawsuit. She has now put something in front of Jiang 's face, but has not covered it completely. She had a light heart attack. I tried to have her remove the book, but she laughed when I tried to tell her about his bad influence and it might affect people who have positive thoughts about him and that he is responsible for the student massacre on Tiananmen Square. I feel compassion for her and will not give up. There are times when more and more people at my work or on the Metro who see me wear the Dafa button ask me about Falun Dafa, and there are times when they don't. These people appear to be very receptive, but not many have shown interest in practicing Falun Gong. One banker I work with told a friend of his about Falun Gong and about me, how he views my behavior. This friend asked for the material about Falun Gong and I have given him the website addresses. So I see, although many have heard about FG a long time ago, they have been thinking about it, have told some of their friends about it and ask about it now.
Doing Fa-rectification work is not a burden, but often we find that we have taken on too much and do not have time to study the Fa. We seem to be rushing from one project to the next and we find that we have not accomplished quite what we set out to do. After reading some articles on Clearwisdom addressing such subjects, I understood that I also had taken on too many responsibilities and I found that none were done very well and I felt strongly that I let Master down. I finally realized, that to stretch myself too thin is not beneficial to what I am trying to accomplish. So I slowly decreased my activities and thought I had finally learned to strike a good balance. Yet, I found again that I had taken on too much again and found that Master found a way to decrease my load. As my family are non-practitioners, they do not understand why I'm doing the things I do and why I can't devote my time to them at all times. I'm still having difficulties not spending most of my free time on Dafa work, but I have to remind myself that I do not want my family to have angry thoughts towards Dafa. Though I keep telling my husband not to blame Dafa but me as I sometimes get carried away and forget about his needs.
Yes, I'm still struggling at times but trying to strive forwards to do the things Master requires of us. But I know what Master has given us and how little we are able to return, although Master does not expect anything of us. I know that I'm a Dafa Fa-rectification disciple and know that nothing will be difficult and that I will succeed.
