PureInsight | January 19, 2004
[PureInsight.org] Ever since I was little, I had beautiful dreams. I wanted to become a glamorous movie star or a famous singer. After getting to know this precious Dafa, I truly realized that IT was what I had been looking for lifetime after lifetime. At the same time, I also knew that through cultivation one could become a higher being and transcend the human world, leaving all suffering behind. No words could describe the excitement that I felt. That is why during the past several years I've always tried my best to present to others the image of someone who is young, healthy, optimistic, tolerant, and broad-minded, someone who enjoys helping others, someone who is a brand new and unique being.
Several days ago, during an in-depth experience sharing with another practitioner, the practitioner pointed out that I was attached to fame, and that the attachment was obvious from many aspects of my personality. The practitioner's statements truly shocked me. I had never ever realized that I had an attachment to fame. But after looking back at the path that I have walked so far and upon self-examination, I began to realize that this problem indeed exists.
Even as I am being tempered in such a magnificent, great Fa, I still have been trying to show off my strong points at every opportunity I get. Although I never said it out loud, deep inside me was still a longing to become a brilliant and dazzling "cultivation star." I have unknowingly transposed my worldly life goal to cultivation.
As a matter of a fact, I often felt very tired of my own life but I didn't not know why. Now it has become clear to me that I constantly demanded myself to be better than others. I have been forcing myself to do many things with strong intentions. I have been covering up my true self and accumulating many problems. As a result, I often had to face new problems before I had a chance to deal with the old ones. It is true that I had discarded some attachments during my cultivation. But I have not gotten rid of my attachment to fame, self-interest and sentimentality. It is just that I have been able to cover these up with my elegant appearance and high realm of mind that I deliberately fabricated for others to see.
As a matter of a fact, it is not a bad thing that my bad side has been exposed. Once it has been exposed, the soil that had been nourishing these bad attachments is removed. It will be faster for me to get rid of my attachments. Avoiding and covering up my attachments and intentionally showing myself off can only make me taking a more winding path and unintentionally cause me many problems.
When I was with other practitioners, no matter how sleepy or tired I was, I made sure to get up early to send forth righteous thoughts and study the Fa so that other practitioners would know that I am very diligent. But when I was alone, I slept when I felt sleepy and ate when I felt hungry. If I needed to do something, I might decide to skip the Fa study that day. I was rarely strict with myself.
On the issue of validating the Fa, I thought that as long as I personally participate in Dafa projects, I would meet the responsibility and fulfill the mission of a Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple. In reality, although I do Dafa work, I have mostly chosen easy assignments while leaving all the difficult ones for other practitioners.
When writing experience sharing articles, I always wanted to write something unique with brand new ideas, thinking that this way I can let others know I am special. I also thought that if it got published, fellow practitioners wouldn't find it boring and reading it a waste of time. Whenever I tried to write with this kind of show-off mentality, the writing would go really slow. One article would often take several days. But in contrast, when I didn't think too much, my writing would go fast and I would be able to finish an article in one sitting.
I clearly remember one thing that happened two years ago. At that time I was quite attached to the success of something that I was doing. I thought about it almost every day, even while I was walking. One day I was thinking about it while walking on a well-paved road. Suddenly, I fell down. My first thought was, "Hurry and get up! I hope nobody saw me fall down on such a well-paved ground in broad daylight. I hope nobody will laugh at me." Instead of calmly letting it go, the first thing I considered was my self-image. Actually, for a long period of time every one of my thoughts has carried the attachment to fame. It was just that I had not been aware of it.
My true self was enmeshed in this quest for fame. I was one person in front of others, and another when I was by myself. It made my life very tiring, and I was forced to stagger along as I traveled on my path.
My attachment for fame has also increased my tribulations and made me take many detours. Many things have surfaced again and again. But I covered them up again and again. I missed many opportunities to face reality, acknowledge my problem, solve the problem, and get rid of my attachments. I studied certain cultivation techniques in the past. I still have not been able to completely give them up. These things always come back to me again and again. I can never control myself and always want to give them another try. I have never been completely free of this bad habit, but was too ashamed to talk to other practitioners about it. Today I have exposed this attachment of mine, and I am determined to eliminate it and be rid of it.
My attachment for fame made me feel as if I was a piece of driftwood drifting aimlessly in an ocean of people. In the end, I realized that what I had been pursuing were just illusions. Only just now have I obtained a little clear understanding of what genuine cultivation is. We should judge everything we do according to Dafa. Only when we do things based on the Fa, can it be called cultivation. When one refuses to change things that are fundamental to him, he is not practicing genuine cultivation. He might be able to deceive others but he can't deceive himself.
Now I am able to distinguish the "me" who craves fame from my true self. I no longer acknowledge this fame seeking "me." I am no longer interested in showing myself off intentionally, nor am I eager any longer to cover anything up. I no longer try to maintain a so-called image to present to others. I have made up my mind to start by doing every small thing well, take charge of every one of my thoughts, truly and thoroughly put down the burden of seeking fame, and walk every step on the path of Fa-rectification with an upright and open manner without carrying any more burdens.
Translated from: http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2004/1/9/25288.html
