PureInsight | December 22, 2003
[PureInsight.org] When a kind fellow practitioner and good friend asked me if I would contribute an experience sharing article to this conference, questions immediately crowded into my mind. What if I say something that is not in accordance with the Fa at an occasion as solemn and important as a Fa conference? How would this affect Dafa and my cultivation status? For example, would sharing my experience publicly in front of everyone imply that I was indulging my "show-off mentality?" In addition, unlike many of the other cultivation experiences we are privileged to hear during similar meetings or on the Clearwisdom website, the story of my cultivation is anything but spectacular. I have not suffered physical torture in the name of Dafa. I have never stood on Tiananmen Square holding a red and golden banner with the Chinese characters for Zhen-Shan-Ren. Still, after a little reflection, I realized that all Dafa students' stories are spectacular and amazing in their own way.
I first heard the term "Falun Gong" in 1999 when it became a news item because of the so-called crack-down by the Chinese government against practitioners. This made me curious about Falun Gong. Since I have always been averse to authoritarian types of government, I was thinking, "If the Chinese government is against it, it must be really good!" I started to pay attention to the news about Falun Gong. However, it never entered my mind that the practice might be available in the U.S. In the spring of 2000 I ran into two young men wearing yellow T-shirts with the inscription "Falun Gong" in the grocery store. Although I'm usually quite reserved, I approached them and asked where I might be able to learn the practice. They invited me to come to their practice site in the park, which I did the following week. I thought that I would simply be shown a martial arts type technique and was dismayed to find out that I would be required to read a book, China Falun Gong. I had intended to learn a novel type of exercise and was not really prepared to read about a way to live my life. I was comfortable with my understanding of the world and my role in it. Patiently, the practitioner explained that I needed to understand the thoughts behind the practice in order to get the full effect. I was highly skeptical but bought China Falun Gong and read it. Just as I expected, the book meant nothing to me. In spite of my total lack of understanding of China Falun Gong, I also read Zhuan Falun when the other practitioners encouraged me to do so. Suffice it to say, I did not think the books contained the answer to any of life's questions at that time. I thought it was rather outlandish. It applies to me when Teacher says in the Sixth Lecture of Zhuan Falun:
But thought-karma can directly interfere with a person's mind, and so he might silently swear at the teacher or swear at Dafa, or maybe he'll have some evil thoughts and bad words. When this happens, some cultivators get confused about what's going on, and they think that those are their thoughts.
I remember being very surprised that I even finished reading both books, because never before did I have patience with books that don't interest me. With hindsight, I now understand that my Primordial Spirit was just being awakened and wanted to keep reading.
I enjoyed the exercises, although I could not feel any of the hidden energy the others seemed to think were associated with them. I was certain that they were all just imagining things and was pleased that my mind was not susceptible to mere suggestion. I practiced the exercises with the videotape every day for maybe two months. Then, I concluded that I was not getting any benefit and decided to give up the practice. I did not think much about practicing anymore for many months until the beginning of the next year (2001) when one of the practitioners called to ask if I would help with a local demo. I was happy to help and something at the event caused me to enlighten to the fact that I should practice seriously. I was now able to feel my energy channels opening when I did the movements and could not have been more surprised. I also started reading Zhuan Falun again. It was still very difficult for me to accept the teachings of Zhuan Falun, but thanks to the constant encouragement of my fellow practitioners, I stuck with it. They kept telling me: "Don't worry about whether you understand or not, just keep reading!" which was precisely the right thing to do. I think my aversion to reading the book did not abate until I had read it three times, a process that took more than a year. During that first year of practice, I experienced many of the phenomena described by Teacher. I had body-cleansing reactions, my third eye opened (although I don't really know how to use it), my body felt light and all my bodily discomforts disappeared. Still, I didn't recognize any of this as being the result of my practice. I thought that it was just my mind playing tricks, wishful thinking, etc. I was just like the person Teacher describes in the Ninth Lecture of Zhuan Falun, who saw many wonderful scenes during Teacher's class but in the end said, "I don't believe in those things."
With continued study of the book, I slowly recognized its deeper meanings. I also noticed all the changes in my life that occurred very naturally and almost imperceptibly at first. I lost, or significantly reduced, my bad temper, quick anger, constant fear and worry about the future, worries about money, my family, my impatience and my ambition. I didn't even notice that all these attachments had left me until after they had been gone for quite a while. I was amazed and could not explain how it had happened. Only then did I recognize that my whole being, whatever I had identified as "self" consisted entirely of these attachments. Worse yet, they were not even real. They were nothing! They only existed because I gave them power over me, and I could make them go away. (As a note, I want to point out that I still have plenty of other attachments left, some of which I have not even seen yet. In addition, the old ones need to be re-visited and checked continuously.) Eventually, I recognized that all the positive changes in me were brought about by Dafa. I started to study the Fa more often and more carefully and was checking my behavior constantly to make sure it conformed to the Fa. In a way, life became very simple, and decisions were easier to make because the path was clear. In other ways, life became much harder. Very often, I feel that I am not successful in passing my tribulations. I pass some of them, especially when I do not make much of an effort and let things happen naturally. Others I wasn't able to pass, especially when I was trying very hard and when I put a lot of thought into how to best behave. Also, in 2001, by the time I started to recognize that Dafa was a cultivation way, the persecution was very advanced, and it was hard to accept that it could be allowed to happen, creating more obstacles for me.
Thanks to the gentle encouragement of many fellow practitioners at home and also at Dafa conferences, I persisted. Almost every time I talk to another practitioner about cultivation, I learn something that rattles my previous mindset. I am always struck about how applicable it seems to my unique situation. Indeed, every word we exchange is obviously planned by Master with great care and understanding. Even looking at pictures of fellow practitioners on the Clearwisdom website will often shake me up. I look at a lady standing by a poster, all bundled up against the cold, or I see an old man walking along in a parade and my tears well up. I think: "Wow, what a righteous person!" and I am filled with hope.
I feel very keenly that I am required to fundamentally change all of my human notions. Everyday I am aware that this really means ALL of them. During the last 2 ½ years, I've often decided that this is totally impossible, and I had the feeling that I would fail. On several occasions, I had almost decided to quit practice. I chided myself that I was just a phony practitioner, not willing to give it my all and that I was holding back the rest of the students. In these situations I always experienced Teacher's patient guidance and encouragement. I want to give just one example of his patience and forbearance.
In 1997-1998 my parents back in Europe decided to sell our family home, which has been in my family for several generations. Remember, that this was two years before I ever even heard of Falun Gong. This decision was very traumatic for my family, and I started to have recurrent nightmares about old houses. I mistakenly thought this was related to the sale of the home, and I'm mentioning it to explain how I can confidently put a date on these dreams.
I was dreaming that I lived in a nice modern place where everything was safe, shiny and convenient. I lived a happy life. One day, for no apparent reason, I started to explore rooms in my home that I had never even known existed. I ventured past my modern nice living quarters and discovered that my home was actually much larger and had many rooms I had never visited, in addition to a huge porch. Frighteningly, these newly discovered rooms were in total disrepair. The floors were unsafe to walk on, the roof was leaking, there were cobwebs and water- damaged walls. The furniture in the rooms were beautiful antiques, but in a general state of dilapidation and neglect. At this point the dream turned into a scary nightmare. Although I was vaguely aware that I had modern living quarters somewhere in this house, I also knew that I could never return to them. My job now was to fix up this ancient, dilapidated part of the house and, worse of all, I had to do it myself. There would be no help from anyone else.
I don't think that I have to interpret the real meaning of this dream for you, although back in 1997-1998, I mistakenly reckoned it must have something to do with my old family home. This dream recurred in various forms many times and it was always a nightmare. Then the dreams stopped for several years.
Now, fast-forward to 2003 when I was in one of my despondent phases, blaming myself for not doing well in my cultivation, wanting to quit practice, etc. I have the same dream again, only this time I can see that I have made changes to the old house. I've cleaned it up. I can walk safely on the old floors, the cobwebs are gone and the rooms are now habitable. I have brought in some new furniture; it seems to be second-hand, but it is comfortable. In addition, there are now people in the house and we are having a party. One of them says something like, "Oh, you've done an incredible job with this place!"
I woke up and immediately understood the meaning of both versions of the dream and was very touched by Teacher's care. I understood that he was watching over me even before I even heard of Falun Gong. In the first, nightmarish version of the dream, he was letting me know that my life would have to change in a fundamental way and that there would be no going back to my pre-Dafa life (i.e., my modern living quarters in the big old house). When I later became discouraged about the slow progress I was making in my cultivation, he was letting me know that it was progressing nevertheless. After all, I had done some cleaning up! I now know that he cares even for practitioners who are constantly stumbling along their paths, who are always doubtful and who, like me, work on routine and sometimes humdrum Dafa projects.
I often ask myself, "Why am I cultivating?" It is not because I desire to attain Consummation. I am not exactly sure even what that means and I have very little curiosity to find out. I can only explain that something at the core of my being understood from the beginning that I have to follow this Fa. I do not even feel like I have a choice in the matter. It is what I must do, and therefore I do it.
Please, understand that these are only my personal experiences viewed from my present level.
