PureInsight | January 12, 2004
Chapter 1: Shaky Knees and a Persistent Heart
[PureInsight.org] We decided to travel separately to China so as not to draw any attention to Joel by linking him with me. Although we didn't plan on being arrested, the likelihood of Joel leaving the Square anonymously was much higher if he appeared to have no connection to me. We shared the same cab to Toronto Pearson International. Once we arrived at the airport, we were parted shaking hands smiling, almost laughing a little. It was still hard to believe what we were about to do. My eyes were half-filled with tears as we shook hands and I said, "See you at the Great Wall".
I turned to walk away from my good friend and my body almost buckled in half. I felt as though I could weep like a little boy. All my senses were totally consumed with fear. However, there was this one part of my heart that wasn't consumed; it was way in the microcosm beneath layers and layers of blood and pumping flesh. It was the piercing presence of simultaneous clarity and uncertainty. There was an untouched path ahead of me that I was about to create, step by step. Without any road signs I just put one weak knee in front of the other, choked back my tears, and did my best to compose myself and walked through the airport's automatic glass doors.
The line up to check in the bags moved rather quickly. Quicker than I expected. Why are all the Chinese people looking at me, I kept thinking, "Do they know?" "Next," the ticket agent called out already. Was it my turn already? "Hi," I said with a half-hearted smile.
Check-in Girl: Where are you flying?
After hesitating for a moment and taking a gulp.
Zenon: Beijing.
Check-in Girl: OK, sir you will have to write your name on this ID tag for your luggage.
I still find it hard to believe that I didn't trust her. Regardless, I began to write. While I was filling out the tag for my luggage, she interrupted me.
Check-in Girl: Excuse me sir.
My heart jumped, my body shook and my pen I was holding shot across the luggage tag. I paused looked up.
Check-in Girl: Do you collect air miles?
Zenon: No.
As she continued to process my ticket and bags, I fought to stay composed. The journey had not even started, and I was just trying to survive checking in my bags.
After making it to the plane without any problems, I went to find my seat. The whole time, I wanted to look over my shoulder to see if anyone was following me. As I walked toward 35B a Chinese man looked at me, jumped out of my seat and scurried to the back of the plane. I thought, "Oh that's one for sure." I then saw three seats with nobody sitting in them, and I moved there to get comfortable. There was a Chinese man behind me and one across from me. I was convinced: "These men were spies following me."
Granted, I was being paranoid, but it's not as unjustified as it may seem. Since the persecution, the Chinese government has sent spies to Canada and other Western countries to monitor the "overseas" Falun Dafa practitioners. You can find them lurking around parks taking photos of practitioners during their morning practice. Sometimes, they will even show up at our local group readings held in a university. They will sit in the back of the room for one night, and then you won't see them again. In the past we used to humor them and let them go about their affairs, as we had nothing to hide.
As the persecution in China intensified, these spies began to cause more trouble by trying to find out which local politicians were supporting Falun Dafa, so they could send them more harmful propaganda. It became a matter of principle. Should we just sit back and quietly let those who help to persecute Falun Dafa continue causing trouble? No. We started to confront them, and they would just run away. But it is very hard; we truly don't want people to miss the chance to practice Falun Dafa. In most cases, we would leave the suspected spies alone and exercise patience, unless they got out of hand and even then we did are our best to help them.
I think my most memorable experience with a spy was in September 2000 in New York City, during the summit of world leaders. I was driving a van around the city that was decorated with signs that read "Falun Gong is Good." I decided to offer rides to practitioners from around the world, so they could get from one event to the next without getting lost. Well, sure enough, a spy got in the van. How did I know? Well, he wasn't very smart, and he talked a lot.
Spy: You know what we should do? We should take this chance of the president of China being out of China to kill him.
I couldn't believe my ears. I piped up in shock:
Zenon: What did you say? Are you a Falun Dafa practitioner? Have you ever read the book, Zhuan Falun (the fundamental teachings of Falun Dafa)?"
Spy: Well it's the only way to stop the persecution; we won't get another chance like this one. If he is dead, then there won't be any more persecution.
He claimed that he practiced for 6 years, and that because I was young, I couldn't understand these complicated issues. The other practitioners in the van and I were all thoroughly disgusted by the fact that he was wearing a yellow Falun Gong shirt and speaking in this obvious, yet deceptive way.
I didn't care to listen to him any longer, so I put in a tape recording of the early lectures Mr. Li Hongzhi gave in the early days of Falun Dafa being brought to the public. A loud voice came from the back of the van.
Spy: WHO'S THAT?
Zenon: Who's who?
Spy: The voice on the tape, who is that?
Obviously, he didn't know Master Li's voice, and there was some deception at hand.
Patiently, I explained it was my teacher on the tape, and that I wanted to listen, and that he should listen as well. Later, he quieted down and we all listened.
Not all the spies were as forward as he was. Some would stand off in the distance and just take our photos. In the beginning, we weren't too worried, until we found out that relatives back in China were being pressured and residents back in China was being taken away. Later, other practitioners would find their cars damaged or broken into at Falun Gong gatherings. Some have had their homes ransacked, and others were blatantly attacked on the street. Relatively speaking, our guest touring around Manhattan with us was nothing more then a very vocal, yet tolerable, nuisance.
There he was surrounded by us; now, here on my flight, I felt surrounded by spies. Whether they were watching or not and, in retrospect, I don't think there were any on the plane, but at the time, I was very nervous. I didn't even dare open my Falun Dafa literature for fear of "revealing" myself. I was becoming a little overwhelmed with fear. The captain came over the intercom announcing a 45-minute delay. I decided to calm my nerves and take a nap.
Half asleep, I began to recall one of my past loves. We were in an art gallery, and she was standing in front of a painting of a burning city. She was an artist. I loved art. It was just one of the everyday things we had in common. I loved her. I thought that there, among the paintings, would be peaceful place to break the news.
Zenon: I don't want to be together anymore.
At that time in my life, I wasn't in college. My self-study was focused on practicing Tai Chi, Qi Gong, Traditional Chinese medicine, Iridology, Auriculotherapy (science of the ear) and some other forms of alternative medicine. I learned martial arts, and took some anatomy and physiology courses. I was fascinated by the Chinese ways of thinking and started to read translations of ancient books and some new ones too. Ever since I can remember thinking about or assessing any issue, things never really added up. The secular life that had been presented to me never really explained life thoroughly. Even at a young age, I had a hint of this grander lack of over all-purpose, the never-ending feeling that something was missing. I would constantly grind on my poor mother's nerves asking, "Why!?!" whenever I was asked to do anything. Then, "But why?" over and over again, after I got the answer and so on and so forth.
I was not only an irritant to my mother. Over the course of my life I found my way under the skin of many people. When I was really young, on the way to pre-school or standing at the end of my driveway, I would shout at older children and teenagers, "DON'T WALK ON THE STREET, YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO SWEAR, STOP SMOKING IT WILL KILL YOU!" This naturally brought some danger to me. Yet, every time some larger children or teenagers would come to give me the beating of my life, my brother would come to protect me. Then, when I would crawl under my brother's skin and irritate the life out of him, my sister would come to protect me. Throughout my life this habit seemed to flourish amongst my peers and elders, yet it always seemed I was being taken care of, and nothing terrible ever happened to me.
This not only gave me the freedom to say what I wanted, but also allowed me to develop the habit of thinking about what I wanted, largely without any consideration for others. My favorite time of the day was when the lights went out and I lay in bed before falling asleep. There was nothing to do except think and imagine mystical and heroic fantasies about what life really had to offer, about what the future had in store for me. I was never really content with what my elders told me or what school taught about life; my imagination was far more interesting.
So my search for a deeper and more profound and thorough understanding of life and the actualizing of that understanding started very early, and was never ending. It was always the first priority. So, once I decided that any relationship, or anything for that matter, was taking too much time out of my study and practice I decided, regardless of how nice it was, it was time to let it go. Mind you, my understanding of what true cultivation was, at the time, very shallow and misguided.
To give you one humorous example I read that old masters from the Tao (the way of the universe) School used to lock their students into small sheds for hours and hours with no light. This deprives the person of finding things to occupy the mind, thus only leaving room for all the worldly desires and degenerate notions to surface in irritation. Then, the student could purge himself or herself. This, of course, was what I wanted-to purge myself. Well, I didn't have a master, nor did I own a shed, so I got a big box, blindfolded myself, plugged up my ears and sat in a box for four to eight hours at a time. One can indeed loosen their mind, but, aside from that, I didn't really experience many changes in myself. I was lost. Desperately trying to find a way out, not out of the box, but out of the limitations that left me walking through life day after day, not knowing why.
I had searched magazines, made phone calls and did mail outs around the world to find a teacher. My tolerance was gone, and I couldn't bear living in society anymore. I wanted out. The last thing I found was a master in the mountains in California, teaching various martial and internal arts. His prices were too high for me. So, I resolved to just do it the way some cultivators did it in the old days. I had planned to go to his front door and sit on the ground and wait, until he took me as a full time disciple. Although I was clear on my direction, I never took the time to tell her this.
She smiled and replied light heartedly as if I were joking.
So, I didn't smile back and sat silent.
We had a virtually perfect relationship. I can't remember having an argument. Even horoscope readings, both English and Chinese explained in detail how we were "a match made in heaven." We were fairly capable on our own, but together whatever we did seem to double the enjoyment and results. People said they felt waves of warm energy coming from us, when we were together. I can still remember the first night we shared together. We went for a late night walk on Toronto's Sunnyside Beach boardwalk, and it started to rain. It was still a little cold, but we didn't care. We kept close to stay warm and just kept talking and talking.
We didn't sleep the entire night; we just lay in the moonlight shinning through her bedroom window, holding hands, lightly caressing each other's faces and gazing into each other's eyes. No matter how long that night was, it simply felt too short. Hours felt like minutes, and I didn't want it to ever end.
I can still see the moonlight on her cheek and the gaze in her eyes.
Then, there we were. Sitting in the Art Gallery of Ontario, and I was putting and end to it all. When she could see that I was serious, I could see her eyes widened with shock and pain. Perhaps she couldn't understand my reason for wanting to head to the mountains, and selfishly I didn't care. I was far too focused and self-involved to think about someone else before myself. In the end she was very understanding, we parted on good terms and remained friends.
I wasn't prepared to leave for the mountains, yet as I had some things to take care of. However, I couldn't stop this burning fire to learn more, and one day I went to my friend's house to use his computer to search on the internet. Laughing to myself I typed in "celestial cultivation". I was partially doing it for the amusement, as I was sure that I wouldn't find anything about ancient arts on the Internet. It was then May of 1998, by chance, I found Falun Dafa as it just appeared before me on the computer screen. I only had to look at the table of contents of the introductory book Falun Gong to know that I had stumbled upon something really deep. I looked at my friend beside me in disbelief, saying over and over again, "It's all here, all of it and it's free." I couldn't believe it was free. After reading only a few sections, it was crystal clear. I had found what I had always been looking for. I had spent so much time learning other Chinese practices, that none of Falun Gong seemed foreign to me. The terminology and the meanings I could understand at that time truly touched the core of my very being.
I downloaded a contact number in Boston, called Su Chen, an elderly Falun Gong practitioner. I asked her:
Zenon: Is this practice really free?
Su Chen: True cultivation has nothing to do with money.
I felt as though I had just returned home from a long journey. I continued on to say that I would like to attend the next nine-day course that was coming up. She suggested that I save a trip and do it in Toronto. I insisted on going to Boston. I told her I didn't want to be distracted by everyday things. I wanted to devote all my time and absorb what I was learning. What could she say but, "OK." What nobody knew at the time was that I was not planning on coming home. My decision to give up my secular life was solid. Instead of devoting my life to martial arts in a mountain, I would to devote my life to Falun Dafa in Boston.
Su Chen called me back the same day and told me that, to help me out, she found a place for me to stay. I was so excited. I jumped in a car with two friends of mine and went to Boston. We ended up staying in an empty apartment. One of the local practitioners there was a landlord, and one of his units was temporarily vacant. His name was Michael. He sat us down on his couch and handed us each a key for the empty apartment. He then left the room for a moment and we looked at each other in shock-then at the key in our hands-then at each other and so on-with our mouths wide open. This guy had no idea who we were, and he was giving us a key to an apartment. Before we could even say anything to each other, he hollered from the other room, "Do you guys need any money?" We quickly answered, "No, no, no thank you, the apartment is just fine." His apartment was neat, and he was very well mannered. He didn't seem crazy, but it was just hard to believe that he was so selfless.
The next morning we went to the park to do the Falun Gong exercises. We were doing our best to follow along. From across the group, one young Chinese man was looking at us. "What are you looking at?" I thought arrogantly to myself. He came walking over. I was thinking of asking rudely: "What do you want? I am trying to do my exercises." Before I could say anything, he smiled at me and said softly,
Fairy: Hello my name is Fairy.
Zenon: Hello.
Fairy: Would you like to learn the Falun Gong exercises? I can teach you.
He must have seen a great deal of problems with my movements. My arrogance was completely destroyed in his kindness. I couldn't help but smile back,
Zenon: Yes, thank you.
Over the course of those nine days, as I viewed the nine videotaped lectures, all things in life became increasingly clearer. His humor was light and playful and his tone compassionate and caring. When discussing serious issues, he was poignant and profound. Other Falun Dafa practitioners told me stories of how Falun Dafa spread through all of China with millions of people practicing it. I saw awards Mr. Li Hongzhi had received for introducing Falun Gong to the public and heard many stories of the benefits It brought to society. It all sounded wonderful, but I was only interested in the practice and the principles.
Many misconceptions were melting away, one of the major ones being that I had to give up my secular life. From the lectures I understood the principle of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance (Zhen-Shan-Ren) to be the most fundamental nature of the universe, which manifests itself on all levels of the universe. I began to see our human world as part of the boundless universe, and that being good in the society of our world was an integral part of my cultivation in Falun Dafa. To be in society becoming a better and better and even better person was part of being a practitioner of Falun Dafa. This was the way I could be part of the boundlessness of the universe. This seemed a lot more difficult than enjoying the peace and tranquility of the mountains, but a better approach as it also allowed me to not only benefit myself, but also society. It felt like the sun was just rising for the first time with its rays warming my face and heart. On my unplanned drive back home to Toronto, I was peaceful and relaxed. I had finally found it.
[To be continued…]
