PureInsight | April 23, 2006
[PureInsight.org] Since I
started my cultivation, I have been impeded by my various states of
slacking behind and going astray. Most of my problems result from my
attachments to fame, self interest, and sentimentality. So I want to
share with everyone my personal experiences in getting rid of those
hindrances.
1. Letting Go of the Heart for Fame and Cherishing the Reputation of a Dafa Disciple
Those who have some accomplishments in life more or less have an
attachment for fame. I am also the same way. But my attachment toward
fame doesn't manifest in my pursuit of fame. On the contrary, I often
choose to give up or escape when facing conflicts with others over
fame. Because of it, I didn't realize that I had attachment to fame,
let alone have any wish to thoroughly remove it.
Two years after I started practicing Dafa, I was showing signs of going
to the extreme. I often thought of quitting school with the
excuse that I did not want to pursue fame and did not need to complete
my Ph.D. studies. Before I took action, my adviser for my Ph.D.
study became angry at me over a small matter and tried to force me to
choose between my studies and Falun Dafa. At that moment, I knew
instantly that I should not go to the extreme, however, I still didn't
discover my fundamental attachments. Six months later, other people in
my lab and I were working with a professor from another lab. He wanted
to put his name as the first author on a paper even though he had only
played a secondary role in the research. Other people in my lab fought
against it. At the end, I was the only person who let him take credit
for my work unconditionally. While he kept pushing for more and
more credit and exhibited the attitude of "gaining an inch, grabbing a
foot," my fundamental attachment slowly was exposed. Even though I knew
that I should not fight with him like an ordinary person, because
I was unconsciously attached to fame, I was still very upset over it.
My head was full of unkind thoughts. I convinced myself that the other
party would meet retribution for forcefully depriving a Dafa disciple
of her credit. I even wanted to tell the other party that he should not
behave like that and it was for his own good…etc. I was tormented for
not being able to identify my attachment and got very depressed.
Finally I gave up everything to turn my heart around, and forced myself
to forget all my laborious efforts in the search
Master once said, "If you're thinking, 'I'll have XYZ happen to me if
I've gained such and such amount of merit,' well, yes, that's how it
works for an ordinary person, and it might be what's looked at as far
as certain facets of the cosmos's Fa-truths go or in a particular
situation. But true improvements come from letting go, not from
gaining." (From "Teaching the Fa at the 2002 Fa Conference in Philadelphia, U.S.A.")
Even though I had no choice but to give up, our compassionate Master
made me aware that actually I had a strong attachment for fame.
Little by little I let go of the attachment, and suddenly I gained a
new major breakthrough in my experiments. My classmates and professors
looked at me quite differently with my lucky break, and even believed
that all my accomplishments came directly from the cultivation of Dafa.
In addition, when doing Dafa projects, I treated fellow practitioners
with an attitude like that of everyday people. I was very reluctant to
shoulder responsibility for bigger projects and often used being
incompetent or not seeking credit as excuse to cover up my attachment
for fame. In reality, escape did not rid me of my attachment; on the
contrary, I heard criticism among practitioners about my being jealous
of their good work and that when I was popular and gained authority, I
chose to sit and watch or be cynical etc.
I truly believed that I did not behave the way I was accused of
behaving and all I could do was shed my tears and continually look
inward. Once in the Fa-study of the seventh lecture in Zhuan Falun, "I
am telling you this principle that everyday people are unable to
realize. You may think that you are good at everything, but your life
does not have it. That person is good at nothing, but his life has it,
and he will become a boss. No matter what everyday people think, that
is only the viewpoint of everyday people. From the perspective of a
higher life, the development of human society progresses according to
the specific law of development. Therefore, what one does in life is
not arranged based on one's abilities. Buddhism believes in the
principle of karmic retribution. One's life is arranged according to
one's karma. No matter how capable you are, if you do not have de,
perhaps you will have nothing in this life. You think that another
person is good at nothing, but he has a lot of de. He could become a
high-ranking official or make a big fortune. An ordinary person cannot
see this point and always believes that he should do exactly what he is
able to." Suddenly, I understood my problem completely. I hadn't been
able to let go of my hidden attachment for fame was because I did not
understand the Fa well.
No matter who becomes famous, others or I, everything was prearranged by higher beings. Master told us in the Teaching the Fa at the 2002 Fa Conference in Boston lecture,
"Dafa disciples: the things you are faced with are magnificent, your
responsibilities are major, and then there's your origin, of
course--it's taking all these things into consideration that I say
you're magnificent. You need to be worthy of the title
'Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple'! That's something that the
cosmos won't have again. This only happens once since the beginning of
time--it only happens once since the beginning of time in the cosmos."
With the honor that Master grants us, I truly understand the profound
meanings of being a Dafa disciple is incomparable with respect to any
fame of everyday people, including fame among practitioners. Let's
cherish the title of "Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple" and
continually do better while carrying the huge responsibility of saving
sentient beings.
2. Letting Go of the Heart for Self Interest and Continually Saving Sentient Beings
I have been very careful about money since I was little and I thought
that I did not have any attachment toward money. After I started to
cultivate, often miraculous things happened. For example, when I really
wanted to have an extra desktop computer for truth clarification,
suddenly I got a temporary job for about three months. The hourly
pay was not great, but the amount I earned was just enough to buy a
computer. When I wanted to have a little extra money to pay for a high
speed internet connection to do truth clarification work, the ceiling
of my apartment suddenly began to leak. I was forced to move out. I was
able to pay for a place that was cheaper but also better than my old
place. I was able to use the money I saved in rent to get high-speed
internet connection. Because I lived close to the internet provider, I
was able to get the fastest internet connection available that was hard
to get at the regular internet price, which has been a tremendous help
to my truth clarification efforts. Two years ago, when I learned of
practitioners' efforts to clarify the truth in Manhattan, I cut back on
my daily expenses and also got a tutoring job. Even though I had no
savings previously, I was able to come up with enough money to pay for
two trips to New York City.
In Lecture 4 of Zhuan Falun, Master said, "But normally when a problem
arises, if it does not irritate a person psychologically, it does not
count or is useless and cannot make him or her improve." The first time
I was in New York, I was short of money. I only had enough money to
eat instant noodles once or twice a day. I did not dare to go out
for a meal when I was invited by practitioners. One day I had just
bought a multiple-day subway pass. Soon I discovered that I had given
away my subway ticket along with the truth clarifying material. I
was about to lose my mind and did not know what to do next. Some
practitioners in our group couldn't understand why I was so upset. They
casually said, "Just go and buy another ticket. Why do you make such a
big deal of it?" I felt awful because I clearly realized I still could
not let go of my attachment to self interest.
That was not an easy test to pass. However, slowly my attachment to
self interest got lighter and lighter. I no longer try to pinch
every penny. I am also still a Ph.D. student and hold no outside jobs.
Still the money in my bank account has been steadily growing, and I no
longer worry over not having enough money to do truth-clarification
work.
3. Understanding Predestined Relationships with Fellow Practitioners
Sometimes during our lives, when we meet people it is as if we were old
friends. The same thing happens with fellow practitioners. Like
Master said in the New York lecture in 1997 (unofficial translation),
"There will be certain connections among this group of people, who will
reincarnate at different times. You'll find that someone who walks down
the street and doesn't belong to your group, who doesn't have a
predestined relationship with you, or have anything to do with you,
will seem to be in a totally different world from you. You won't seem
to have anything to do with him." After I started my cultivation,
whenever I was disturbed by conflicts with other practitioners, Master
always let me know about our relationships in past lives.
For instance, one time I met a male practitioner in a small group, and
I poured out my heart to him for no good reason. Not long after,
I started to feel quite happy whenever I saw him. I have a very
good boyfriend, and this fellow practitioner is married with children.
I was very astonished by how excited I was to see him. I was
somewhat frightened about this situation and I did not know how to
handle it. I pleaded to Master to help me to get rid of my excited
feelings. Soon after, it was revealed to me that, in one lifetime, both
of us had been incarnated in Germany and we had been close confidants
to each other. That is why we felt close to each other in this
life. When I understood our predestined relationship, I realized
that the old forces were using that to test both of us. I sent forth
righteous thoughts immediately and continually to undo the arrangement
from the old forces. After that, we quickly went to work on our
own Dafa projects and no longer have many reasons to meet again.
Besides meeting good old friends from previous lives, I also run into
enemies of many lifetimes. Shortly after I started practice, I had
conflicts with one practitioner. Every time he spoke, I would criticize
him in my mind and felt his words had deviated from the Fa. On
the other hand, he seemed to always want to lord it over me or use
words to control me. The situation was getting worse and
none of us would back off. Eventually we tried our best not to have
much to do with each other. However, the karma accumulated over many
lifetimes was so strong. Sometimes even just thinking of his name, the
anger bottled up within me would burst out and make me quite miserable.
In "Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference," Master said, "If
you took a look in the extreme microcosm at the material formed by what
your mind is attached to, [you'd see that] they are mountains, huge
mountains, made of hard, granite-like rock, and once they are formed
there's simply no way for a human being to move them." I began to
understand my karma and attachments could only be gotten rid of with
Master's help, so I asked Master to help me night after night. Finally,
after two weeks, the resentment within me was gone. Slowly, I
started to understand that the two of us had fought and even killed
each other for fame and gain throughout the history of our past lives,
and that was why the karma between us was so enormous. Even after my
enlightenment to all that, I still could not resolve our conflicts
without difficulty. Recently, there was a big project where we needed
to work together. No matter how difficult that was, I knew that I must
forbear to the best of my ability. I had to do it in order to
save sentient beings and validate Dafa. Because I was willing to give
up my own self, suddenly I learned how our association started.
Both of us were originally kings of certain celestial bodies. In order
to form a whole body for the Fa-rectification, we had many predestined
relationships on our journey downwards at various certain levels. As
children, this practitioner was the leader of our group and my brother
at a certain level. Because both of us made our pledges with
Master to come down as Dafa disciples, we maintained our relationships
in many, many reincarnations, so we would not be apart from each other.
Unfortunately, when we came down to the human world and became lost, we
accumulated huge karma in spite of our long history of close
association. In addition to that, I was not very diligent in
cultivation and failed to look inward when conflicts arose. I had
not applied "truthfulness-compassion-forbearance" to my daily
life. As a result, many of our projects to save sentient beings
had suffered to some degree.
During the course of our cultivation, we might play certain roles or
undertake different missions. However, no matter what we do, I feel
that once we take steps to eliminate our attachments to fame, self
interest and sentimentality, we will understand our historical mission
more and more clearly, and realize how much damage it does to our
efforts to save sentient beings when we can not walk our path
righteously.
Finally I want to encourage ourselves with what Master said in
"Teaching the Fa on Easter, 2004, at the New York Fa Conference," "You
can talk about how such-and-such number of the cosmos's gods came down
to the world before to save people and established such-and-such mighty
virtue, but I'll tell you, my true Dafa disciples: Your future mighty
virtue will surpass that of any god who came to this world before at
any point in history, (applause) for you today are part of
Fa-rectification. You need to treasure it--you have to treasure the
path you've walked. Only when you treasure the steps you've taken can
you do well on the path ahead."
Translated from:
http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2006/4/14/36383.html
