PureInsight | May 6, 2002
Much of the pain in my life has involved differing levels of emotional intensity in relationships. Even when I was young, when I heard about the physical suffering of friends and family, somehow I knew my tribulations were to be psychological more than anything. Though I preferred rationality, occasionally I would step into the world of emotion and attachment and would, as expected, be bombarded by hurt and suffering. However, I spent much of my childhood purposely isolated and independent and became proud of my detachment from worldly things. By the time I reached my late teens, this complacency was to launch me into a whirlwind of tribulations as I had so much karma yet to pay!
I’ve been a practitioner for a little over two years now. Initially, my participation was admittedly superficial. I had little understanding of the full blessing of Dafa and chose to focus on those things that suited where I was in my life then. What I focused on most was relationships. It was difficult to read Master’s teachings about such attachments, especially in Essentials for Further Advancement where he states, “Those who are attached to affection for family will definitely be burned, entangled, and tormented by it.” (Cultivators’ Avoidances, April 15, 1996) I knew I had strong relational attachments, particularly to my children. Often, slights to family or friends would truly move my heart, although I tried hard to be more understanding of the suffering and debts behind those words and deeds.
Why should our hearts not be moved? For me, it goes beyond receiving a “blessing” in four ways: that this person gives you De, that your karma is transformed into the same amount of De, that you are able to upgrade xinxing, and that energy is then increased (not directly quoted). For me, it also concerns cultivating Shan. I believe that if we cannot as Master says, “sincerely thank him from the bottom of your heart” (Zhuan Falun, Lecture Four), if we cannot forbear the distress without grievance, then we form another bond that strengthens our ties to this earth. When we do not forbear, when we are moved, we reinforce the thread that brings us back to either collect or repay debts incurred. By doing so, not only are we holding ourselves here, we are holding the other person here as well. Where is the compassion in that? My understanding is that in giving up attachments we sever these bonds for good.
For example, I was married to an abusive man for 16 years. Friends would ask why I put up with it. How could such an intelligent woman with so much going for her accept such a life? Initially I believed it was love, later not wanting to fail, but eventually I realized I had a strong feeling about commitment. “For better or worse” was what we’d been asked. I accepted my responsibility for saying “I will” and determined to stick it out to the end. However, I didn’t forbear “without tears or grievance.” (Essentials for Further Advancement, June 21, 1996 article) It was very hard and there were times when I felt I wouldn’t care if he didn’t return home whether because of an accident or by choice. There was a time I felt I no longer wanted to live. And having children together made that bond harder to break even after he divorced me.
Shortly before I began practicing Falun Gong, I had begun a spiritual process that included forgiveness and thankfulness for the people and events in my life. I had (somewhat flippantly, perhaps) considered everything karma, though I didn’t understand the true relationship of it, and had attempted to make peace with my ex-husband. I thanked him for our time together, good and bad, for what it taught me about others and myself. I thanked him for the gift of our children. I tried to assure him I wished him well in his life no matter what had gone before. He was confused, having expected anger and revenge, because I couldn’t explain why I reacted that way. I only knew deep down it was what I must do. After I started practicing Dafa and realized I owed him a karmic debt I became even more thankful, not because I was receiving de or later was given opportunities to improve my xinxing, but because I hoped that I had paid the debt in full, that I had unraveled the tie that kept us in the same field so we could truly “move on.” Over the years he has done things that attempt to draw me back in, that test me, and gradually, when I judge these situations from a “Fa” perspective, my heart is moved less and less.
I’m thankful that Master Li has brought the Fa to us so that we can begin to understand the process by which these ties are formed and so begin to unravel the web that keeps us from returning to our true selves. I’m thankful to the people and spirits in my experience that have provided me opportunities to discover the truth about life and about myself. I’m still moved to tears when I consider this, knowing that eventually those too must go. I realize I have many more attachments to relinquish before I leave this earth, and will remain determined to cultivate, not just for myself but for these others, too. Only in this way will we all be free to return to our true lives.
This is my current understanding at this level. Please correct me if I strayed from the Fa.
