PureInsight | August 31, 2006
[PureInsight.org] (United Kingdom Experience Sharing Conference, 2006)
I have never had the initiative to want to write a cultivation
experience sharing article since our first UK Fa conference. Especially
after listening to practitioners sharing how they progress through
diligently practising. I normally feel anxious when I talk about my
cultivation in front of veteran practitioners knowing that I have only
been inching forward and have not made any breakthroughs, not to
mention the times when I slip backwards. I felt like there really
wasn't anything worthwhile to talk about. Anyway, if what I talk about
is just low level stuff, which would indicate that I have not
understood the Fa well or worse still, wrongly, then wouldn't I be
exposing how badly I have been cultivating? This made me more
determined to stay quiet. There are many practitioners who are doing
very well. Let them share their good experiences. I know in the end
there will be people who write articles for the conference. In any
case, I am always busy and would find it extremely hard to sit quietly
to write anything. I didn't think it would make any difference by not
having my article.
What I was not aware was the numerous attachments hiding behind these
thoughts. I have even allowed them to flourish in my ignorance. Now
that I have spotted them, I will seize this opportunity to expose and
get rid of them.
The first I see is selfishness. Master has acknowledged the importance
of the Fa conference and that practitioners' sharings are beneficial
for my cultivation and so I am always glad to attend. It is even better
if the conference preparation is done well. If not, I will grumble or
even disapprove openly but have not thought of contributing positively
to ensure that the conference will take place smoothly, for example,
offer to write a sharing article. Without practitioners' cultivation
experience sharing, the conference will lose its meaning. And yet I was
quite prepared to sit and wait for others to organise the conference so
I can turn up and be benefited. I feel utterly ashamed of my
selfishness considering I have been calling myself a cultivator for so
many years.
The other attachment I see is competitiveness. I see fellow
practitioners have cultivated well and their sharings are really
wonderful. If I was to share mine, it would appear to be weak and lack
substance. What I have not understood well is that in our cultivation,
we are cultivating ourselves and refining ourselves. Everyone is on
different levels, in different environments and walking different
paths. How can everyone be the same? I may have slightly poorer
enlightenment quality and therefore be slower in understanding the Fa.
But is my improvement not through my own efforts? Whether the
improvement is big or small, it is still my achievement. There is no
need to compare this with other people's success.
Zealotry usually comes hand in hand with the above attachments. That is
the desire to hear praises when I think I have done something good.
What is more, if practitioners spotted my omissions and pointed them
out to me I might feel uncomfortable or even be unable to take it. As a
result of these negative thoughts, these attachments had been allowed
to harbour inside time and time again.
So far, just on thinking of writing an article alone, such attachments
have been exposed. How can we not say we benefit ourselves directly by
writing articles?
What is more, to cultivate in the great Law, to have Master imparting
the Fa, leading me upward one step at a time, arrange for me to get rid
of bad things and rectify my whole being. Is this an ordinary task? Of
course not. It is because during the process of my cultivation, I
haven't had any palpable experiences but I do know I am elevating
constantly. This change is a direct result of my aspiration to be good.
I trust everyone here shares this aspiration. Our gathering is then a
union of fellow practitioners in a pure environment, for the mutual
benefit of upgrading as a whole body, sharing our cultivation
experiences. We should feel at ease, uninhibited and in total harmony.
Below I will share with you my experiences in getting rid of some of my attachments.
Before I put pen to paper, a practitioner phoned me to urging me to
write an article for our conference. She said "you have done so much.
There must be quite a lot you can share with everyone." After putting
the phone down, I reflected on what the practitioner had said. She
didn't say I have made any improvements in my cultivation, she just
said I have being doing things. I know I have not done much but has she
not pointed out to me my attachment of "doing things?" Ever since I
obtained the Fa, I have been keen to let people know about this great
cultivation way. Soon after the persecution started, I tried to be part
of the group in telling the truth as much as possible. I have been
acting as a local contact for a number of years and have seen
practitioners come and go. This made me feel I am responsible for the
work locally. I tried to arrange everything as much as possible and as
a result spent much of my time and effort on getting the work done,
equating doing work to cultivation. The attachment of "doing things"
slowly developed. During that period of time, Fa study was just a
formality for me. Without the Fa, I was only an ordinary person. When
problems arose I forgot to look inside. I found it hard to listen when
practitioners pointed out my gaps. My cultivation came to a halt.
Although I tell people I cultivate in Dafa, practise "Truthfulness,
Compassion and Tolerance," look inward when I come across problems, but
when I read Master's words
"Examine each and every deed,
Accomplishing is cultivating."
I realised I had not been truly cultivating.
I stayed in this state for quite a long time before becoming aware that
something was not quite right although I couldn't put my finger on it.
One day, a practitioner said to me, "Have you not yet come to the
conclusion why practitioners have come and gone? Have you realised what
this means? Can you not see it is a problem of yours?" Upon hearing
this, I felt quite sad. I then started to realise the significance of
this. While others have improved and moved on, I am still running in
the same spot. From then on, I began to learn how to look inwards. It
would be awful if because I have not cultivated well and became a
burden I stopped the whole group from moving forward. Although my
realisation came a bit late, nevertheless I am starting to cultivate.
In March last year, the UK version of the Chinese Epoch Times first
went to print. Due to my ability to read traditional Chinese, I was
asked to help with the proofreading. I worked alongside another
practitioner who came from Taiwan. Our job was to pick out the
simplified Chinese words and offer the corresponding traditional ones.
I was delighted to be included in the staff and determined to give my
best.
My Chinese background is limited to 9 years education in Hong Kong.
What I know about the great Chinese culture is no more than skin deep.
I was invited because others' commitments and circumstances had
prevented them from helping out. My proofreading partner is a gentle,
humorous and extremely patient person. His command of Chinese is much
better than mine so when I have queries, I would go to him.
The page editors I work closely with are very generous and kind. They
often say encouraging words to me and reassure me they are happy with
my work. As time went by, I gradually began to develop this illusion
that I am capable and self-important. This came out in the assertive
way I talk. I carried on behaving like this until a few months ago. My
proofreading partner phoned to talk about something relating to our
work. I don't know whether it was something I said or a suggestion I
made earlier which prompted him to make the call. He started by
reminding me that due to the importance of our work and the fact that
we are in charge of the final proofreading, we might feel some kind of
self-imposed authority. When I heard the word "authority," I was
shocked, as if someone has treaded on a very sensitive and protected
part of me. I didn't hear anything he said after that. Authority? Am I
in pursuit of this? Am I doing this work to satisfy some attachment of
mine? Am I looking for praise from people? Instantly, a big attachment
that had been hiding deep inside was tossed out for all to see. I
trembled with excitement as I know this dirty substance can now be cast
away. It still tries to rear its head from time to time after that, but
it is so much weaker and so easier for me to get rid of it. In fact,
had I not been cultivating in this immense Fa, how would I be able to
shoulder such a task with what little skill I possess as an ordinary
person? In any case, the ability that has been bestowed upon me
from the Fa is for me to take care of this. It would not do if the work
is not accomplished.
Next, I would like to share with you my experience of my relationship
with my cultivator daughter. Soon after I obtained the Fa, I encouraged
my three daughters to read Zhuan Falun
and cultivate in Falun Dafa. My elder two daughters, who were already
in their teens, decided that although the practice is good, it is too
hard for them to give up their attachments and so did not go beyond
that. My youngest was 9 at the time and was keen to take her mother's
advice. That was 7 years ago. As she grew, the chances of her coming
into contact with the big dye vat increased continuously. At the same
time, the amount of Dafa related work that I had to do increased. This
was on top of the housework, things I have to do for my elderly mother
and in-laws, things I have to take care of for the 3 girls, plus I have
to go to work at least 2 days a week. This made the situation very
tense for me. When I looked around, I saw that I might be able to save
some energy in looking after my daughter who is also a cultivator. All
I need to do is to remind her how to behave as a diligent cultivator.
When she did something wrong, I pointed out to her using Fa principles.
She normally just accepts the criticism quietly. I not only failed to
reflect on the situation and see where I have not done well but instead
thought that I was correct.
One day, as I reminded her to study the Fa, she said to me, "Mum, you
are more like a fellow practitioner than my mum to me. You care little
about what I do other than my cultivation." It was then I realised I
have not been a good mother. It is of course right to be concerned
about her cultivation but since we live in the ordinary human society,
what we do should conform to everyday people's society. I know it takes
a lot to bring up a child, especially in a morally corrupt society like
we are in. Someone said to me recently, "You Chinese people come to the
Western world to live in freedom and yet you are very strict with your
children. They are beings too and they should have freedom." As
cultivators we all know whether Western or Eastern society, human moral
standards are sliding down. There is not a piece of pure land except
where we are.
I know very well what it takes to raise a child properly. Apart from
the material necessities, parents have to give plenty of care, guidance
and encouragement. And I have left my responsibility to Dafa.
She is my daughter as well as my fellow practitioner. We must have a
strong predestined relationship. What she has provided is part of my
cultivation environment. If I pushed this away, my cultivation will not
be complete. From now on, I have to face up to my dual responsibilities
and be a qualified fellow practitioner mother.
The last topic of my sharing today is something I have been trying to avoid and have not done well on.
I lived a fairly comfortable live before I started cultivating.
However, the material things did little to ease the tension or reduce
the clashes I had with others. I was bewildered by the meaning of life
if life itself can be so miserable. I felt sad to think that I couldn't
control my own life.
Once I started cultivating, my heart was light to know that as long as
I follow the new path that Master has arranged for me, I will not have
to go down the old and miserable path. Everything that comes my way is
something to do with my cultivation. All I have to do is to get rid of
all my attachments.
It is much easier said than done. I greatly under-estimated the amount
of attachments I have. They are so deeply rooted. It is extremely
painful to shift them. When I have to face the acidic words from my
in-laws, or the unreasonable behaviour of my husband, I have not been
able to remain calm and unperturbed. That is when my attachments
surfaced and my thoughts have dropped to that of an ordinary person.
However, when I am in good form, I can do quite well.
I remember once when my mother-in-law was being unreasonable to me on
the phone over her son's irresponsible behaviour. This was not the
first time she talked this way. But this time, I wanted to tell her
what she was doing was not good both for her and her son. I first
checked that my thoughts were pure and then sent forth righteous
thoughts to clean up our fields. I spoke with compassion expressing my
appreciation for her affection towards her son and trusted that she
knows what is right and what is wrong. She listened quietly and then
said, in an equally kind voice, something that I have never heard from
her: that she does realise she has been unfair.
From this incident, I see that under layers and layers of attachments
lie the kind true self of a being. It requires me to drop all
self-interest and act completely for her wellbeing in order to uncover
her true self. This applies to telling the truth in saving sentient
beings.
All in all, the problems lie within me. I haven't studied the Fa well.
This makes getting rid of attachments difficult, the thought not pure
and the field not righteous. I looked upon them as my relatives
and not sentient beings. Not only was I entangled in human
sentimentalities, I have actually forgotten the fact that they came
with a mission.
Master has reminded us again and again that there is not much time
left. In the remaining time, I must do the three things that Master
asks us to do and do them well. Study the Fa, send forth righteous
thoughts, clarify the truth and save sentient beings. When these
are done well, attachments shall be no more, the field will be right,
the environment will change and the effect of truth clarification will
be good. Being a particle of the whole body, I will then play my part
well. This journey will truly be worth it.
