Put Down Attachments and Continue to Correct Oneself

[PureInsight.org] I obtained
Falun Dafa in 1995 in Mainland China and started cultivation then.
After a relatively long period of time at the personal cultivation
stage, I wasn't used to the cultivation ways of overseas
practitioners  when I first arrived in Canada. I wasn't used to
the cultivation state of and didn't agree with the behavior of fellow
practitioners overseas. But I didn't want to point it out to them
directly since I was afraid of hurting our good relationship. To put it
bluntly, I feared causing trouble for myself. Even though we are
cultivators, many of us still like to hear good words and compliments.
In addition, my biggest attachment was that I really cared about how
others thought of me and wanted everyone to think I was great.
Therefore, I used a method called "keep myself clean and good" and
didn't get involved with the affairs of other practitioners. Of course,
as a cultivator, I tried my best to do things that validated Dafa.
Practitioners didn't criticize the things that I didn't do well but
praised things that I did do well, As a result, I felt quite pleased
with myself and considered myself as someone who had cultivated pretty
well. The reality is that I gradually stepped out of the cultivation
environment.   



It is Master's merciful hint and fellow practitioners' encouragement
that guided me to participate more and more in projects of Fa
validation. I gained more opportunities to interact with fellow
practitioners. But I was always afraid of making mistakes and never
showed any initiative. When some practitioners came and asked me to do
this project or that project, I would decline the invitation because I
feared I might not be able to do it well. A huge pile of attachments
prevented me from being diligent. It is Master's gracious compassion
and my fellows' tolerance that made me see more and more of my own
attachments in the group cultivation environment. I gradually
eliminated my attachments and began to firmly walk on the cultivation
path.



Becoming a coordinator was an extremely big test for me. It was also a
rare cultivation opportunity. All the hardships, fame and insults that
result from it directly hit my attachments.



I started to serve as a coordinator in April of 2004 and my cultivation
environment changed dramatically after that. To use ordinary people's
words, I became the target of all the arrows. Indeed it is a good
cultivation environment. If everyone is nice to everyone else, how can
one improve oneself?



First of all, I had to face the conflicts caused by my being selected
as a coordinator. I came to this place much later than others. I also
didn't pay too much attention in the past to the group Fa validation
activities. Compared to fellow practitioners, I lagged far behind. I
never thought of becoming a coordinator. Because a former local
coordinator moved to another area and our area needed another new
coordinator, I was asked to become one. . When I was asked, I felt very
surprised but didn't dare to decline right away. I thought that as a
cultivator, I have the responsibility to contribute to our cultivation
environment. If it was supposed to be my responsibility and I declined
it, how could I fulfill my promise that I made a long time ago? But, in
the mean time, I was afraid of not being able to carry out this heavy
responsibility and I was very scared about the title of "coordinator."
I told the practitioners who asked me to become a coordinator, "I don't
want to have the title. From now on I will try my best to help maintain
this group environment. Will this work?" Fellow practitioners said no.
In fact, I was afraid of controversies, conflicts, and taking
responsibility. I was very confused in my heart at that time and didn't
know what I should do. On one hand, based on my understanding of the
Fa, as a cultivator there is Master and there is Fa, so what am I
afraid of? Several fellow practitioners also promised that they would
try their best to help me and hoped that I would take the
responsibility so there would be one more  person who would think
of the whole group. Faced with the unselfishness and openness of fellow
practitioners, I bravely agreed to take up the role. But, on the other
hand, thinking of myself, I knew what it meant to me. I knew that I was
placed at the tip of a moving tide and all my attachments would be
attacked and exposed by the tide.



The very thing that I was afraid of came true. It was such a surprise
to practitioners that I became a coordinator. Many different opinions
all came out. Some practitioners were supportive, and others were
quiet. But I could feel that some practitioners don't agree in their
hearts with the selection. One thought continued to come up in my mind,
"Why was Jian Ziya asked to grant titles to the gods? He was old and
inept." I felt intense pressure and didn't have enough confidence in
myself. Even in ordinary society, I don't like to be an official and
declined the opportunity to be an official when I was given that
chance. If this were not cultivation, I would have definitely stayed
away from these troubles. A fellow practitioner said, "You were
selected because you don't have the attachment of wanting to be one." I
knew that I couldn't back out. I knew clearly that my pressure came
from my own attachments. My attachments were touched upon. I liked to
maintain a good impression in front of others and I cared too much
about others' opinions of me. I was also afraid of thinking too much or
giving too much effort.  



Before I got a chance to think things through, many Dafa validation
projects came, one after another. It would be April 25 one week later.
The May 13^th Falun Dafa Day immediately followed it. In
addition, the annual Canada Fa conference would be held in Montreal
that year. There were also July 20 activities to plan for. In three
short months I had to face so many things. I learned little by little
from fellow practitioners and they generously gave me opportunities to
contribute again and again. I gradually learned how to contribute. But,
in the mean time, my other attachments showed up, such as showing off,
being overzealous and being selfish. Many of the activities required
certain expenses and the cost for a Fa conference was relatively high.
I donated money that I had saved over a long period of time without any
hesitation. I was planning to spend the money on renting the conference
hall for the Fa conference. Wouldn't I look good then? A fellow
practitioner understood my intention and told me, "Don't be so
attached." I stopped there and agreed to use the money freely for any
project. It is like what Master has said in Zhuan Falun,
"Showing off can appear in all kinds of situations, and it can also
show up when a person is doing something good." I calmed down and
thought about it. If I were not the coordinator, would I donate such a
large amount of money without any hesitation? Didn't I do it out of a
heart that was filled with selfishness and sense of self? Compared to
the contributions made by elderly practitioners who are retired and
have very little income, I felt very ashamed of myself. In this
cultivation environment my selfishness gradually melted away. 
 



During this process because my attachment was touched, I had a
relatively big conflict with one of the practitioners. It was the
biggest conflict that I ever had with practitioners since my
cultivation. It was due to a strong attachment that I couldn't cover
up. I really thought that I was right and I was gravely misunderstood.
I exploded in front of my fellow practitioner without showing any
restraint. I could not believe that it was I who did that afterwards.
But at that particular moment my attachment was dug out and I could not
control it. It was just like the story that Master told in his Fa
lecture about the practitioner whose workplace was distributing apples
to employees. She was pretty mad when she saw that her box contained
only small apples. Then she heard that there were a few big ones in her
box but they were replaced with small ones by others. She just couldn't
control her temper any more and exploded. What happened to me took
place one day in July of 2004. Several fellow practitioners were
chatting. Some practitioners kindly encouraged me to be more aggressive
in coordinating things and not to be always afraid of initiating
things. One of the fellow practitioners told me bluntly, "Do you know
what everyone says about you behind your back? They said that you are
like a puppet, and XXX practitioner is 'the real power behind the
throne.'" This was something that I had never thought of and my heart
felt terribly hurt. Even though, at the time, on the surface, I still
clarified things and defended XXX practitioner, my anger was already
built up to the limit inside me. Afterwards, when I saw that
practitioner, I could not control my temper any more. All my anger and
attachments exploded. I didn't even put myself in her shoes and think
whether she could accept my angry words or would feel hurt. I forgot
completely what Master has told us when my attachment rose. The effect
of my outburst lasted for a long time inside of both our hearts. I
regretted very much afterwards since I missed an excellent cultivation
opportunity. I changed the cultivation environment into a place where
my attachment got amplified. I didn't even deserve to be called a
cultivator. I knelt down in front of Master's picture and tears covered
my face. I felt our Master coming down from one universe to another in
order to save all sentient beings and enduring all kinds of suffering.
I can feel Master's enormous compassion and felt so ashamed of my self
that I couldn't even find a place to hide. I swore that I would
eliminate all my attachments as soon as possible and walk my
cultivation path well.



It is easier said than done. I again encountered all sorts of xinxing
tests afterwards. Although I didn't explode as dramatically as I did
before, behind my calm facade I still felt I was treated unfairly and
felt hurt. Several times I even wanted to resign the coordinator
position thinking, "Things are in a mess anyway. Why do I want to put
in so much effort without receiving any appreciation?" I felt I was
gravely mistreated. But on second thought, who do I hand my resignation
to? Won't I be handing my resignation to Master? Do I want to tell
Master that I don't want to contribute any more because I felt hurt and
insulted?



My hearted slowly calmed down and I knew that this was my cultivation
environment. Two years have passed. Just a few days ago, I accidentally
overheard a few practitioners saying, "She (referring to me) is just
doing thing on the surface and there is someone in the back who
controls her". I basically heard the same thing that had caused my
explosion two years earlier. The words might be different but the
meaning was same. However my state was different and I didn't feel
angry. In fact, all situations we encounter are caused by our own
attachment. We should put down our attachments and do the things that
we should do. I still have not done well in so many things. What should
I be attached to?



The truly big change in my xinxing
level came after Master's Los Angeles Fa lecture in March of 2006. It
is Master who took away those bad substances in me. Master said at the
Fa conference, "When Dafa disciples make mistakes, they do not like to
be criticized. No one can criticize them, and when someone does, it
sets them off. When they are right, they don't like others bringing up
things they could improve on; when they are wrong, they don't want to
be criticized. They get upset as soon as others criticize. The problem
is becoming pretty bad." I felt that Master is talking about me. I
haven't served as a coordinator for very long and haven't done too many
things that validate the Fa. Yet I have many attachments. I didn't look
inward but always found other's shortcomings. I never seriously
examined myself. Master continued, "This is not to blame you--it's not
that my Dafa disciples haven't done well. (Teacher chuckles)
About this, now, it is actually because Master allowed that bit of
thing to remain in you. But now that I have discussed it today, from
now on you must begin to take this problem very seriously."



Master's words hit deeply into my heart. I held my two hands in the heshi
position and told Master from my heart, "Master, I memorized your words
and I will definitely follow them."   I sat very far away
from the lecture stage. I saw Master looking toward my direction. I
knew that Master had heard me and I told myself that I will certainly
do it. When facing others' criticisms, I will stay calm and look inward
to find the problems within myself.



Not too long ago, a fellow practitioner called me and said almost the
same exact words that caused me not being able to guard my xinxing
quite a few times. In addition the practitioner said, "Some
practitioners have negative opinions about you coordinators. They say
that you are just saying things without doing them. These things have
been passed to Toronto." This time I was very calm and listened without
trying to defend myself. I didn't look for shortcomings in the
practitioners either. I just looked inside myself. It was not by
accident that I heard these words. This was to remind me that I haven't
done well enough. I examined myself and found that there were many
things that I should have thought of and there were many things that I
hadn't done well. But there are still things that I need to tell other
practitioners, even though some practitioners don't like to spend time
on sharing experiences. They think that it is a waste of time and we
should use the time to work on real projects. But several of our
coordinators all agreed that we have to hold experience sharing once a
week and it is a necessary thing to do. Only when we are clear about
the Fa principles, can we do things correctly and well. So we take
reading experience sharing articles from Minghui
seriously and forwarded the important ones to fellow practitioners. We
also share our understanding regarding to these articles. However, we
do need to be more diligent in doing things to validate the Fa.



In the past, when I met such a situation, I always tried to defend
myself with various excuses using others' shortcomings to cover up my
own attachments. I missed cultivation opportunities again and again. I
even thought angrily that I would not talk in front of others in the
future and I would not share my understanding with everyone ever again,
and it was good enough if I just kept my understanding to myself. When
I put down the phone after my conversation with that practitioner, I
felt very relaxed. One thought determines if one can put down an
attachment or not, and it is not that difficult to do it. I am so
grateful to Master from the bottom of my heart. It is Master who took
away those substances that I built up with my attachment over a long
period of time in the past. It is Master who suffered in our places.
Master has done whatever he can for us and he only wants one righteous
thought from us. We cultivate our hearts and our thoughts. Master has
led us to change entirely in our cultivation of our xinxing.



Only recently have I learned how to examine myself and look inward. In
the past, looking inward was like a slogan and a formality. I looked
inside and thought hard, but couldn't find anything. My understanding
is that examining oneself is the reflection of a cultivator's emotional
state as one performs genuine cultivation, promotes kindness, and truly
wants to assimilate to the Fa from the bottom of one's heart instead of
being attached to oneself. It is as if there were a mechanism that
enables one to automatically look inward. As long as you truly want to
look inside you will be able to find your shortcomings. In contrast, if
you are only attached to others' shortcomings and feel you yourself are
always right, the mechanism won't work.



What I am very embarrassed about is while I was writing this sharing
article, when I wrote about certain events and certain fellow
practitioners, I was still unconsciously trying to distinguish who was
right and who was wrong. When I realized this, I felt extremely bad.
From that, I found my attachment of emphasizing the self and being too
rigid about who is right. In human society, my seriousness often wins
me praise. Always doings things in a serious manner might be a good
thing at certain levels. But at a higher level, it becomes an
attachment and an obstacle, manifesting as being inflexible,
unforgiving, and narrow minded. I have come to deeply recognize that
cultivation doesn't emphasize who is right or who is wrong. We have to
search for our own attachments and shortcomings unconditionally and
correct our hearts. We need to use Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance
to ask things from ourselves, and not others.



Finally, I'd like to share a poem from Master Li's Hongyin titled "Obtaining Fa" (unofficial translation):

Translated from:

http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2006/6/4/37942.html