PureInsight | January 16, 2006
[PureInsight.org] There is a Chinese idiom, "If two people are destined for each other, they will come together and enter matrimony even if they live a thousand miles apart." Entering a marriage is one thing, but making it last is another. How to make a marriage last is a popular topic throughout all time, as well as a popular research subject in the science arena.
According a report titled, "Researchers Study Newlyweds," by the Associated Press on December 26, 2005, "Researchers at the University of Rochester want to survey 800 newlyweds in the U.S. and Canada in the hopes of finding out why some new marriages are so full of bliss and others are so full of battles." [1]
Based on the preliminary results of their research, "getting along in a new marriage basically boils down to what we learned in kindergarten: be nice to each other." [1]
In fact, BBC News reported on a similar subject earlier, on May 15, 2004. According to its report titled, "Newlyweds Advised to Lower Hopes," "The secret of a long and happy marriage appears to be not to expect too much from it." "Far better, they say, to aim low to ensure you are not disappointed." [2]
As early as 1998, researchers from the Gottman Institute have published the result from a related research. "[…] gentleness, compassion, and physiological soothing of partners are key ingredients that enable marriages to succeed." [3]
It appears that these research results share one thing in common: kindness is the real solution to dissolving conflicts between two spouses. After all, how can a couple's relationship not be enduring if they always genuinely think of each other and each other's best interests?
The truth is that there is a good reason why a man and a woman enter a marriage. Mr. Li Hongzhi, the founder of Falun Buddha Fa (or Falun Gong), has made a very explicit statement about marriage.
Mr. Li Hongzhi said, "Most of the time, the predestined relationship that people refer to is the predestined relationship of family, that is, the predestined relationship between a husband and wife—this is what's referred to most often. Actually, I've talked about this predestined relationship between husband and wife before. This is an everyday people's matter. Since predestined relationship is being discussed, I'll talk about it. How is it formed? In most cases, it's usually like this: In the previous life one person did a favor for another person and that person couldn't repay it—perhaps he was a low-ranking official or was very poor in that life. He benefited greatly from that favor, so he wanted to repay it. Then this might result in a predestined relationship between husband and wife. It could also be that in the previous life someone loved someone else or they both loved each other, but they didn't have that predestined relationship and couldn't form a family; then it could result in a predestined relationship of husband and wife for the next life. This is because a person's wish is very important—what you want, and what you want to do. If you say, "I want to cultivate Buddhahood," then a Buddha might help you. Why is that? This one thought is really precious, for in an environment this difficult you still want to cultivate into a Buddha. On the other hand, if a person wants to be a demon, it can't be stopped, either. How could you stop him if he's bent on doing bad things? He doesn't listen to you and insists on doing them. So a person's wish is very important." (From "Teaching the Fa in New York City" in Falun Buddha Fa: Lectures in the United States.)
References:
[1] Associated Press: Researchers Study Newlyweds
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/wireStory?id=1442958
[2] BBC New: Newlyweds Advised to Lower Hopes
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3711255.stm
[3] The Gottman Institute: The Newlywed Study: Research Says 'Active Listening' Won't Keep Couples Tuned-In for a Happy Marriage
http://www.gottman.com/research/news/detail.php?id=13
Translated from: http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2005/12/27/35107.html
