PureInsight | June 28, 2004
[PureInsight.org] I first came to Falun Dafa just after 9-11 incidents in November of 2001. In the same week that I started practicing, I was laid off from my job.
I had a sense that I had encountered something very special in Falun Dafa. The first time I did the exercises, I felt like I had been plugged into an electrical outlet. I didn't know whether to walk, sit, stand, or run! I also had numerous other interesting sensations in my body. I could feel the tiny Faluns spinning all over my body and often would feel tiny "stings" in various parts of my body, which I think were the many acupuncture points blowing open from the amazing energy.
At night, when I tried to sleep, there would be so much energy surging through my body, that I would be careful not to touch my hands together or my feet together, since it would create an energy circuit more powerful than my body could handle. Once, when I woke up one morning I heard birds singing, but they didn't sound like ordinary birds, rather, they sounded like small bells chiming. "How beautiful!" I thought. "This must be what birds sound like in other dimensions." Another morning I woke up and felt the amazing vastness and peace of Zhen-Shan-Ren, (Truthfulness-Compassion-Tolerance). I was completely amazed!
First thing, after I taught myself the exercises through the digital videos on the Falun Dafa website, I decided to find the community of Falun Dafa disciples. Something within me told me I needed to find the community of practitioners and that I needed to be a part of that environment. I went to the local practice site at Washington Park and one of the practitioners there helped me improve my exercises. They told me that I should read the book, Zhuan Falun
My boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband, had been practicing Falun Dafa for a year, and he told me that I should read the book, Zhuan Falun completely through as quickly as possible. It took me about a month to do this. From that point forth, I was completely sold on the practice and felt convinced that this was the path that I needed to take from this point forth. I can't quite explain it, but I sensed that Master Li's teaching was higher and purer than any other teaching I had ever encountered. I even had a conversation in my mind with Jesus and with Master. I thanked Jesus for teaching me and watching over me up until this point and I said that now, I would be taking Master Li as my new master from that point on.
When I first started practicing, I would go out to the Clearwisdom website and read the articles and experience-sharing reports. The whole site focused on the terrible persecution that the people in China were suffering from. I didn't really have a high-level of compassion at that point, though, and didn't really want to face all of what was going on. I was only really interested in growing in this amazing practice.
After about eight months I still had not found work in my career field of instructional design. But, I was still reading the book, going to the exercise site and group book studies. I also had discovered the many articles that Master Li had written at various conferences, and these so enriched my understanding of Falun Dafa. In his articles, he mentioned the importance of work, and I finally enlightened, that in our cultivation, it's important to be working no matter what. So, I realized that I needed to humble myself, and just get some kind of work. I applied for work at the local Target store and starting working there. I tried to be really diligent and reliable, like Master Li tells us we need to do, which is written in Zhuan Falun. Not more than four weeks later, I finally found a job in my field.
The job was not ideal by any means. It was way beneath my skill level and was about one-third the pay I had been making. Still, I was grateful. I had told Master that in all my previous jobs, I had always felt "somewhat incompetent" and I really wanted to "start at the bottom, completely learn a job" and then move up as opportunity would arise.
Even though the work itself was quite easy, I was exceptionally busy and so busy in fact, that it was hard to do my job well. In addition, I was not allowed to work overtime, so I constantly fell behind. I realized that I had been put in a "no loss, no gain" situation and that the job was perfect for my cultivation. So, day-by-day, I was humbled when I had to leave my job, knowing that I was making little progress.
In addition, because I had so much work, I was also making more errors and for this, my boss, constantly reprimanded me. As I cultivated more and more, I realized that nothing in my day was coincidental, but in fact, was there for me to improve my cultivation. So, I realized that I needed to always look inward to see what attachments Master might be showing me.
To make matters worse, I didn't fit into the group very well from the start. They didn't seem to like me much and often acted like I was invisible in group meetings. No one took any time to train me on things and I found I was making more errors, simply because I didn't know any better. I looked further inward. I wondered, "Why is everyone so mean to me? What have I done to deserve this?" I quickly found the attachment. It was an attachment to thinking "I was better." I had projected this attachment into my environment and they were simply reflecting it back at me. So, I addressed the attachment. I also realized that I was too proud to ask questions, because it could possibly expose my faults and show how little I understood the job. It would be very humbling to have to ask questions. Once, I realized this, I gradually addressed an attachment to "reputation" and "fear" in dealing with other people.
I also found that several people in our group liked to tell dirty jokes. I really detested these jokes and was a little angry about having to work with people like this. I mentioned it once to a practitioner in my group, and he commented, "This kind of thing is very low level." I had to think about what he meant by that. At first, I was insulted, because I perceived that he was implying that my cultivation might not be very mature, because I was not altering the environment around me with my cultivated energy. But, again, I looked inward. I thought, "I know that the first test any cultivator goes through is the lust test and that if a cultivator cannot pass this test, then they really cannot cultivate at all." So, I tried to see what my attachment might be. I couldn't clearly discern whether I had any sexual or lust attachments, but none-the-less, I said to myself, "Lust attachment, if you are in me, I reject you." Then, every time others in my work environment would tell jokes, I would not judge them in my heart and would say to myself. "I rectify my environment with righteous energy!"
I had numerous opportunities to see how I could positively affect my work environment with my energy. I sat in a cubicle right next to my boss and she would continuously verbally abuse her children while talking to them on the phone. This really grieved my heart. I decided that I should maintain righteous thoughts about this issue and consciously spread my energy into the work area to rectify these abuses.
All along, I was learning many lessons about my environment, because I started to enlighten to the fact that everything outside myself, was only a reflection of things within my own cosmos that needed to be addressed and rectified. I thought to myself, maybe there are several tiny worlds within me where people are very sexually degenerate and where they constantly abuse one another. I must clean this up!" I also realized that whether I was able to detect those things within myself, that they were probably there and I must clean them up.
One of my other frequent tests was to worry about how I was being perceived by others in my work environment and trying to protect my reputation with them. Sometimes, others would whisper behind my back and look my way, so I knew they were talking about me. I learned to suppress my curiosity to find out what they were talking about. I would say to myself, "What others think of me is of no consequence. I am only accountable to my Master. He knows my heart and my every thought." The second part of this test would be to try to protect my reputation with others who might have heard bad reports about me.
I used to run into a woman from another department who had worked in the same area for the same boss. Every time I encountered her, I braced myself for another test. She would ask me, "Carla, why are you putting up with such abuse? Why don't you report your boss to the human resources department?" Then, she would question me about what I was experiencing in the department. I tried to watch over my speech and would only try to tell a truthful report, not to speak badly of others and to maintain a compassionate attitude towards workers who were mean or abusive towards me.
And, unlike the past, I didn't try to escape my work environment rather I faced each challenge with my new knowledge about cultivation. So, little by little, I figured out that the first thing to do whenever in conflict with anyone is to look inward. It was likely that if another person bothered me, either I had my own attachment that I needed to purge, or, I had not reached a place of maturity to be completely unmoved. In addition, the fault I saw in others, usually pointed to a fault or flaw of the same kind within myself. It was also possible that I harmed them in a previous life and I deserved this bad treatment.
I also realized that in my heart of hearts I truly had very little compassion for the people around me. I asked Master to help me with this.
After about six months, the entire work environment started to take a turn for the better. The company decided to reorganize our work department. In the process my boss got demoted. I was upgraded two salary levels above my original position. The human resources department hired a new manager who was over my previous boss. One day, my previous boss just walked out.
All this time, I tried to maintain a benevolent heart, and to never be happy at anyone's hardship, even when some people had been mean to me. I would see some of these people in the hallway and they would give me creepy looks, because they were mad that I'd been promoted above them. I stayed cheerful and maintained kind thoughts in my heart towards them.
Gradually, the entire work environment changed. Whereas, in the past, our whole work environment was disorganized, inefficient and prone to error, our work environment gradually improved. It became peaceful, people were in conflict less often and things went more smoothly.
By this time, I had started to contribute more and more to projects to expose the persecution of Falun Dafa. I had been stepping out more and more and asking Master to help me find more time to help out.
It was actually a test for me to find a deeper heart of compassion, be less focused on my own cultivation trials from a personal cultivation perspective and to finally be focused more on the needs of others who were suffering rather than on myself. In the beginning, I really didn't have a heart to help much. I think I just needed to improve in my own cultivation and really get more mature.
Little by little, I started to challenge my lack of compassion. I began to realize that even though I thought I was too busy or stressed to assist with exposing the persecution, I realized that I was responsible for shaping my own environment and that I had the powerful energy to change things in my environment, so I could have more time to contribute. So, gradually, I would step out, make commitments to projects, and contribute my energy and time.
It was very hard at first, and it seemed that every time I stepped up my commitment I would encounter various kinds of blockages and interference. It was also a stress on my marriage in the beginning.
Gradually, though, I started to find that I had less and less cultivation trials at my work. In fact, they ceased almost entirely. Now, my tests occurred mostly in the work I do to expose the persecution. Sometimes, permits wouldn't go through, I'd have computer problems, I'd get into fights with my husband, or I'd have conflicts with other practitioners. But, now I was at least confident in knowing how to constantly look inward for my own attachment and this would frequently ease these situations.
I also began to understand the many forces of evil that were opposing Falun Dafa, and became more aware of how to stop their efforts. I began to deny the old arrangements of the old forces and only accept my Master's arrangements.
My entire cultivation improved as I increase my study of the book and articles. And, I tried to attend group book studies as regularly as possible.
I still have so many things to improve. But, now, I am deeply committed and am so grateful to have the chance to cultivate and return to my origin.
