PureInsight | June 21, 2004
[PureInsight.org] First, I would like to give thanks to Master for giving all of us this opportunity to cultivate in the Fa-rectification period. I have not written an experience-sharing article since several months after I started practicing. The reason is, whenever I enlighten to something I feel that it is pretty deep and there is much I would like to share with fellow cultivators. However, in a few days the deepness of the enlightenment has disappeared, and I feel that I am starting over again from scratch with all of the humanness that I had before, but with a more full feeling in my heart that something far off in my microcosm has changed a little.
For a long time in my cultivation I have struggled to let go of human attachments. I have often looked at other cultivators and wondered why everyone seems to be doing so well and I am having such a hard time. But when I am among practitioners these thoughts and self-worrying would always be covered up because of my attachment to saving face. For nearly a year I have been in a state of tribulation that consists of feeling sorry for myself endlessly and extreme worry for the things that I have not done so well in my cultivation. Probably only my fellow cultivator and wife know the extent of the tribulation that I have been in. Even when I would try to let go of this attachment I would still have thoughts pouring into my head making me feel grieved that I could not lift myself up and continue on. I would often send righteous thoughts more than once every hour trying to clear this away, but always feeling awful again after I came out of righteous thoughts. Because of this depression and worrying for myself my artwork suffered a great deal and I would go long periods of time without finishing or even working on anything. Usually I would only find the heart to work when I would make momentary breakthroughs while making strides to get rid of this thought karma and attachment. But soon I would feel that these righteous thoughts were cultivated away and then the worrying and regret would sink in again. While being in society when my everyday attachments or some lustful thoughts would arise I would double over with regret and think that I was so dirty and unable to overcome these things. I would often want to hide from the world and from life. Of course while in this state I knew all of these were attachments, but no matter how much effort I put in I felt that I could not let go of them. It was one day when I hit bottom in this state that I had a break through.
While at work in the supermarket, I felt hopeless and lost. I had thoughts flying through my head such as cultivation for me was over and that I had some sort of mental disorder. In my 23 years of living I had never experienced a state this severe. While in this state, I tried very hard to keep my cool and do my job well in the cheese department. Though my mind was crazy, I demanded of myself that I be a good person and do my job well for the sentient beings at my work place, and so that no one would think anything bad of Dafa since they all know I practice. I started to ask myself what Master would do if he was in my situation. When I had this thought I felt my mind broaden and I felt that I could bear the hardship. I asked myself, if in the future this situation happens to a being, how should they handle it. I started to feel my heart come out and I felt a great compassion for the people that I work with and the customers at the store. It was then that I realized that I was blazing a trail for the beings of the future and leaving behind a reference for the future. After leaving work that night I felt that I had learned something really important, which is that no matter how serious the tribulation seems or even feels, in reality it is not that way and can be easily stepped over when we think about others first and are determined to do so. After I woke up the next morning this particular righteous awakening that seemed so solid in my mind was gone and it felt like I had to start over again. But at least now I know it is possible and achievable. So for a few weeks it went on like this -- struggling with this type of thought-karma, and then being on top of it or overcome by it.
Recently, I have realized something deeply that I would like to share with everyone. It is something that is unconditional and does not pass with the things that are cultivated away. Even though I will try to say it using human words it may still not come across correctly for anyone who may have had problems similar to mine. It is the enlightenment of what it means to be diligent in cultivation. While sending righteous thoughts the other day I suddenly had a deep feeling. I felt that no matter what anyone or anything could do to me that I could remain unbreakable and compassionate and could completely let go of myself. I felt like I understood the part in Zhuan Falun where Master talks about the person who gets hit and can let it go with a smile and thank the other person who struck him. I also realize that no matter how I feel, Dafa and Teacher are beside me waiting for me to improve. So, now when these lustful thoughts, worrying about myself, or feeling bad arise I cannot help but smile and say thanks in my heart for I now have the knowledge of what it means to be unconditionally diligent and letting go of self.
