My Cultivation Experience

[PureInsight.org] Let me start from the beginning. When I was little, my mother was very interested in Qigong. For my family's health, she tried and learned almost all kinds of Qigong. She also forced me to practice it. At that time, I was still young and watched a lot of TV. I thought what my mother taught me was only for my health. It could not make me become the number one master in the martial arts field. Therefore I did not pay full attention to practice. In the beginning of year 1999, my mother told me that she had found a very good Qigong called Falun Gong. She told me that there were about one hundred million people practicing it in China. I thought at that time, "Oh no, unlucky me! What will she force me to learn this time?" A month later I went home for the summer break. One day, two practitioners from St. Louisianan came to my home and brought us Master's 9-day lecture video tapes and several books. They also taught us the five sets of the Falun Gong exercises. I did not really want to learn it at that time. After being persuaded by my mother, I took the book "Zhuan Falun" when I returned to school. At that time, my home had installed a satellite dish, so we can receive the China Central Television program. My dad, uncle and aunt are all misled by the evil propaganda. Only my mother, who recovered from her serious illness after practicing Dafa, still firmly believes in Dafa. Under my mother's persuasion, I read the book Zhuan Falun once. I thought that the book was good. Because I had very poor enlightenment quality and did not have a good environment, I did not think too much about it at that time. Only when my mother called me and urged me to read the book, then I read the book. I only practiced Falun Gong when she asked me to do it. I never thought that my life could have such a big change within three short years.

Because I grew up in the United States and had the western education where a lot of attention was paid to fame, profit and sentimentality, I thought that all these were a natural part of life. Therefore, pursuing fame, profit and sentimentality became my highest priority in school. In order to become famous in school, I joined more than ten student organizations. To show my ability, I became the student leader. To let the girls like me, I did everything possible all day long to make myself more attractive and more handsome. My goal is to let the entire school students like me and know who I am. I want to make all the boys admire me, respect me, and even be afraid of me. I want to let them know that I am a strong man. I want all the girls to like me and think that I am the best man around.

When I was in my junior year at the university, I thought that I would be the happiest and the most satisfied man in the world if I could get all the things I wanted. At that time, a new student manager named Kevin was assigned to our dormitory. Everyone thought that Kevin was a nice man. Kevin was very confident, very natural and competent. Everyone liked him and respected him. Almost all the girls in school liked him. Very quickly Kevin and I became good friends. Kevin has also become my role model. At that time I thought that Kevin had all the things I wanted to have, and so he must be happy. More than half a year later, one night, I saw two policemen with two student leaders go to the office. Out of curiosity, I followed them. After I entered the office, I saw that one student leader was crying. The other student leader told me "Kevin did not attend class the whole day. We could not find him." He also said: "We found his diary. In his diary he said that he was not happy. He attempted to kill himself. We suspect that he might commit suicide today." I thought that is impossible. Kevin was a very steady and strong man. It is impossible for him to commit suicide. On the second day the police station informed us: Kevin hung himself the night before.

I did not know how to make sense out of this incident. After this happened, I always felt scared for no reason. I could not turn off the light when I went to sleep. I started being afraid of the darkness. I usually jog at night. One night, I saw the evil faces among the cement cracks in the ground. At that time I did not know why I was so scared.

Later I found out why I was so scared. It was because I had always pursued fame, profit and the sentimentality. I always wanted to become the strong man that everyone knew and admired. I thought that Kevin had all these, but he still killed himself. I had never thought that the things I wanted the most were actually emptiness. I always thought that if everyone knew me, liked me, respected me, said good things about me, I would be satisfied. Now I suddenly lost the direction in my life. I understood that I would not be happy even if I had achieved this goal and got all the things I was looking for. Instead I would feel the emptiness that Kevin had felt.

In order to solve this problem, I often went to church and prayed all day long in hopes that God would help me to eradicate that empty feeling. I even accepted baptism, and talked to the pastor all the time. I even went to see the school psychologist, but nothing helped. At that time, one of my friends urged me to try some medicine. I could not even concentrate on my studies. My study scores dropped quickly. One night I felt that I could not finish the semester. I drove home and told my parents that I might need to quit school.

At home, because of my mother's firm belief in Dafa, she had made my dad understand the truth. My dad also started to practice. After I went home, I told them my situation in school. They told me that they would support any decisions I had to make. Later, they told me the goodness of Falun Dafa. At that time I have tried all the other means and I really did not want to leave school, so I agreed to try Falun Gong. Now I know that the "try" and other thoughts of pursuit using Dafa were not right. I was thinking at that time "After I read the book several times, I will start to practice if I feel a big change." So I did not cultivate myself diligently. I studied the book occasionally. In school, I finally finished that semester.

I remembered that my thought karma was really bad at that time. Although I knew that Dafa was very good and I really wanted to cultivate myself diligently, I felt that there was a wall blocking me. The wall made me unable to thoroughly dissolve into Dafa. Under this situation, it was difficult for me to study Dafa and practice. One year passed by. That year a Dafa conference was hosted in DC. I felt another kind of sadness when I studied Dafa and practiced Falun Gong with other practitioners because I also wanted to be like them, peaceful and compassionate. When I was with them, I really felt the happiness that Dafa had brought to me. I felt Master's compassion. I felt sad because I was not sure if I belonged there. I was too filthy, and my thoughts were too dirty. I thought that Master will not want such a dirty disciple. After the conference started, I felt that my mood would not stable, so I didn't sit with my dad, instead I sat upstairs. When Master came out, I felt that the wall was broken by a very strong power. I felt Master's great mercy and I knew that Master had given me many chances. I cried for a long time with my face continuously facing down. I felt that that I had done so many disappointing things that I felt ashamed to look at Master. I promised Master in my heart that I will do my best from now on. I will not behave like before.

After returning to school I did better than before, but I still have not met a Dafa disciple's standard. My previous attachments started to reappear. Because I did not cultivate myself diligently, I wasted a lot of time and did a lot of things that a Dafa disciple should not do. Without knowing, my life went back the same as before. It seems that I fell into the arrangement created by the old forces again. Time flies and another year passed. I will graduate soon. Even though I still studied the Fa, did the exercises and sent righteous thought during the past year, all these became a procedure. I know from the bottom of my heart that I let master down, but I could not step out of that.

After graduation, I heard that the lawsuit against Jiang in Chicago needed more people to support. Because my home is not far away from there, I decided to go there to help. I stayed in Chicago for more than three weeks, which was the first time that I had stayed with other practitioners for such a long time. Usually I could not find other practitioners around me, so the experience in Chicago inspired me a lot. During that period of time, I saw the greatness of other practitioners. I saw other practitioners who always sat in front of the Chinese consulate in the windy and raining days, the winter days. Many practitioners did not sleep much. They only ate very simple food they brought with them. All these made me feel ashamed. Those three weeks passed very fast. I also felt that I matured a lot in that environment.

I was very happy on my way home. I felt that I could finally put all my heart in Dafa. That day I took a side road. There were not many people on the road. I got lost half way from home. So I stopped the car and looked at the map. I noticed that a dark cloud was rolling in. The sky became dark. Actually it was only afternoon around 3 or 4 o'clock. That storm came very quickly. I continued driving my car. When I was only 15 to 20 miles away from the city, the rain and wind got stronger and stronger. Suddenly I was a little scared. I felt very strange. I used to drive in big storms and I did not know why I was afraid then. The storm blew even harder. The birds looked like the leaves flying around because of the strong wind. All of a sudden, I thought about the tornados that often occur in the mid-west area. I still thought that it was not a tornado, but I was scared when I saw an electric wire blown down by the wind which caused a fire spark on the road. I felt scared and my right leg started to shake. I thought that I shouldn't be afraid. I shouldn't be afraid even if I am going to die. I kept listened to Master's audio tape lecture. I also started to send forth righteous thoughts. I thought that I was going to die. An American frequently said that, when a person faces death, his life would reappear in front of him. I also had the same feeling at that time. I was recollecting my life. I asked myself: What if I die now? Is there any attachment that I could not let go? I did not think about any girls or the things I had pursued before. I only thought about Dafa. I was very sad because I felt that I finally knew how to cherish Dafa and I understand the purpose of my life. It is too sad to die at this time. I said to Master in deep sorrow: "Master, if I die now, I know it is because I didn't cherish Dafa, but I know it is too late. I have let you down. If it is possible, I hope Master allows me to practice Dafa in my next life. At that time I wouldn't behave the same." The more I thought about it, the more pity I felt. I told Master: "If Master can help me pass this test, I will cherish everything and do my best. I will do the things that a Dafa disciple is supposed do. I will no longer make you disappointed." In this way, nearly two hours had passed and the storm continued to blow. The storm only started to wind down when I was about twenty minutes from my home.

Master has given me a new way of life that enables me truly understand what are the most valuable things in life. I know that there are still many things I do not do well. I still need to improve myself in many aspects. But my experience made me understand the meaning of "cherish". It also makes me understand the meaning of "regret". I will do my best to do the things that Dafa disciples should do. I will no longer disappoint Master. I want to become a qualified Dafa disciple.