PureInsight | November 3, 2003
[PureInsight.org] I have noticed that I repeatedly deal with the very same issues in cultivation. I have trouble being diligent, overcoming interference, doing what is difficult to do, and so on. I believe these things represent my fundamental attachments.
I have noticed that when things go wrong in my cultivation it happens when I am not aware enough. That is, I can't say it happens out of the blue or out of nowhere, nor can I say it happens without my knowing. Rather, I find that I make certain conscious decisions, decisions that in essence result in me turning my back on the Fa. I do this by knowing what to do, knowing what is righteous, but not doing what I am supposed to do.
Back when I initially obtained the Fa, when I read it, my heart and soul on every level knew that this was exactly what I was looking for. It was exactly what I wanted more than anything in my life. I have found everything I was ever looking for in this, and even more that I ever knew to look for. So how in the world could I turn my back on the Fa? Is there anything worse I could do? I came to this world just for this, and if I cannot stick to it, then what's the point of me coming at all? Wouldn't I be wasting my life?
So, I have learned that when I find that I am down a wrong path, I have been slowly walking down an unrighteous path for a while. When I choose to not follow the righteous requirements based on the Fa, I am slowly falling into the huge tests of dealing with my fundamental attachments. It's like now there is only one issue when I get to this low level -- do I continue cultivation or do what's worst for myself? Will I continue on the most obvious level doing what I absolutely know to be wrong, or will I follow the Fa on this most fundamental level? Speaking of fundamental attachments, again I have found that these are all xinxing problems that I know are unacceptable, but I have done things anyway because I couldn't give up my attachments and thoughts for them. They are very serious things, which Master explicitly warns us against, like the test of lust.
So when I fall, I fall knowingly, and then of course, I run directly into these fundamental attachments. This test determines whether I will even go on or not. But Master's grace, benevolence, and mercy are truly immense. Even when I fail, Master helps me overcome it again, but this isn't what I want to talk about at the moment.
I find that when I fall like this, and after I get up, I put all too much importance on the weight of those fundamental attachments. Not to say that they aren't serious, they are serious, but they are not the principal cause of why I fall. I fall slowly and step-by-step. Like Master said, "Of course, they absolutely won't annihilate you right away. They'll guide you, have you see more and more false visions, make your mind less and less righteous, make your heart toward Master change in a demonic way, lead you down an evil path, and by doing so make you commit huge sins." (From: Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference.)
Therefore, I have found that to make true progress, I should go back and discover what brought me to my current situation. I have found that I develop laziness, apathy, not willing to do what's difficult to do, and the like, all of which lead me to great problems. But an even bigger problem will emerge if I don't go back and recognize that. Namely, I will overemphasize the present situation and fail to see the root of the problem and the truth of the situation in its entirety. Then, I will stubbornly try to solve that particular problem without ever seeing what is deeper.
In closing, I have found that for me to make true progress, I have to get to the very bottom, to the point at which I began to fall, or at least the deepest part I can recognize while in my current cultivation state. Only starting there can I truly redeem myself and start to do what's right again.
