PureInsight | January 13, 2003
[PureInsight.org] Recently, I have reached a better understanding of my selfishness. I know that I have been attached to selfishness in my past and current lives. Out of selfishness, I have many bad things (along with many good things).
Because we all know that bad will be met by bad, I won't spend time reminding everyone of the origin of karma. Instead, I would like to share my thoughts on the selfish notions hidden behind the good deeds I have been doing.
I often helped those less fortunate people or those who could not defend themselves in order to fish for their expressions of gratitude [towards me]. In other words, I did not do those good deeds purely for their welfare, but to make myself feel good. Similarly, I worked diligently in order to impress my boss and colleagues. The starting point of everything that I did was always myself.
I started to study Buddhism in 1995 and learned the natural law of "evil will be met by evil, and good will be rewarded by good." Since then, I pledged not to do anything bad because I was afraid of retribution, and I hoped to have a wonderful future. Again, I was a good person on the surface because of my selfish attachment to protecting myself.
After I obtained the Fa in 1998, I studied the Fa, contributed to Fa-rectification work, raised Falun Dafa banners in Tiananmen Square, and distributed truth-clarification materials because I knew that Teacher was guiding people toward high levels, and I wanted to fight for a place for myself in heaven. Although I mainly contributed to Fa-rectification work to help Teacher rectify the universe and stepped forward to validate the Fa, my motive was not completely pure.
Nowadays, I strive to clarify the truth about Falun Dafa and save sentient beings. Although, I do wish to save sentient beings, I cannot deny that I have the selfish intention to enrich my world in other dimensions with more sentient beings. Although I send forth righteous thoughts with the intention to purify the universe, I cannot deny that I have a side that wishes to establish my mighty virtue.
Teacher said, "Human selfishness, greed, stupidity, and ignorance are interwoven with the goodness inherent in human nature…" ("Remaking Mankind," Essentials for Further Advancement). I think the aforementioned thoughts and behaviour of mine were the result of my selfishness interwoven with my true nature. There was compassion and kindness in my thoughts and actions, but it was not very pure.
With continuous Fa-study and cultivation practice in Falun Dafa, I am increasingly disgusted with my selfishness. I can feel that selfishness is growing apart from my true nature. I have realized something important; that is, even when I did many good deeds, they were done to satisfy my attachment to selfishness. Even if I have accumulated a lot of de (virtue) because of these good deeds, what good can this kind of de really be evolved into?
Last night I had a dream about a white serpent on top of my head. Although it was a very neat, clean, and adorable serpent, I realized that I must destroy it for it is not the kind of life for the rectified universe. I dragged it from the top of my head and placed it on my palms where it suddenly turned into clusters of white substance. At the sight of many clusters of desirable white substance, I tried to turn them into lotus flowers. Then, I suddenly woke up from the dream. I immediately realized that the dream was related to my recent thoughts on my attachment to selfishness.
Suppose that I will never receive any appreciation for my help, if I will never be able to impress others with my hard work, if my good deeds will be met with retributions, if there is no place for me in heaven despite my steadfast belief in Falun Dafa, if none of the sentient beings I will clarify the truth to are from my universe, will I still continue to do what I have been doing? (Note: All these of course will never happen. This is just a scenario that I use to reflect upon my selfish attachment and to imagine what a great enlightened being would do in my situation.) The answer is, "I will!" This answer comes from the bottom of my heart and my true nature. It's a thought that surpasses all human notions, including fame and self-interest.
Teacher said, "Real Buddhas are guardians of the cosmos and are responsible for all righteous elements in the cosmos" ("Teaching the Fa at the Western U.S. Fa Conference," Guiding the Voyage). Teacher requires us to be completely selfless, to be as pure as 24-karat gold, to abandon all our attachments, and to sacrifice everything to defend the truth.
Now, I look back at the path I have walked in this life, and I see that I have played all these roles: a bad person, a good person, a cultivator, a Dafa practitioner, and a guardian of the cosmos. Perhaps, I have not [fully] attained the realm of a guardian of the cosmos, since I am relatively new to the realm of guardian of the cosmos. Even if that's the case, I can clearly distinguish compassion from sentimentality, Teacher's arrangements from those of the old forces, and degenerated notions from true nature. A heart as pure as 24-karat gold is the goal that Teacher has set for Fa-rectification period Dafa disciples, not [ordinary] cultivators. It's only when we strive to become selfless that we can catch up with the pace of Fa-rectification and make the new universe forever indestructible.
I would like to conclude my understanding of my selfishness with Teacher's words: "We see that in this universe a human life is not created in ordinary human society; the creation of one's actual life is in the space of the universe. Because there is a lot of matter of various kinds in this universe, such matter can, through its interactions, produce life. In other words, a person's earliest life comes from the universe. The space of the universe is benevolent to begin with and embodies the characteristic of Zhen-Shan-Ren. At birth, one is assimilated to the characteristic of the universe. Yet as the number of lives increases, a collective form of social relations develops in which some people may develop selfishness and gradually their level will be lowered. If they cannot stay at this level, they must drop down further. At that level, however, they may again become not so good and not be able to stay there, either. They will continue to descend further until, in the end, they reach this level of human beings." ("Guiding People Toward High Levels," Lecture One, Zhuan Falun)
Translated from: http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2002/12/17/19619.html
