PureInsight | August 6, 2013
[PureInsight.org] Ever since I was young, my personality has been timid, weak-willed, and self-abasing. Everyone else thought that I always followed the rules and did everything carefully. Once I began cultivation, this long formed deviated notion created an illusion that I had insurance and would never dare do anything that disrupted the Fa. After many of Master’s comments were published, I compared myself to the Fa and recalled the path I had taken during cultivation. I could not help but be appalled to find that, concealed by human attachments; I was already doing things that disrupted the Fa.
After the evil suppression in 1999, mainland China was covered with red scare. Under this circumstance, all of Master’s Fa teachings that I received were hand copied by others who took the risk to do so. Furthermore, I could not keep them for long and had to return them after several days. I would anxiously copy every Fa-teaching that I received, but when I read a few of these, my mind felt messy. Nevertheless, I never questioned it. It was actually because I was not truly cultivating. It had been explicitly stated in the Fa, but I did not think about the Fa according to the Fa. I was copying only to own a copy, which is a kind of human attachment: greed, fear, selfishness, etc. It was later proven that those articles were fake and were not found on Clearwisdom. I then destroyed those fake teachings. However, this incident left a shadow in my heart that made me more self-abasing, timid and weak-willed. Because I did not focus on truly cultivating, in 2010 when a fellow practitioner let me investigate the source of fake teachings, I was not only unable to locate the source, but I also read the fake one at a fellow practitioner’s home and felt glad because I thought I had gotten something that others did not have. I feel pathetic when I think about it now.
Every time the announcement regarding changing characters was published on Clearwisdom, I would anxiously change the characters for all of the Fa teachings that I had and those that I received from fellow practitioners. The amount was tremendous; there were over fifty copies of Zhuan Falun, maybe even over one-hundred because I stopped counting. As for the other Fa teachings, they could only be counted in sets. It became very easy for me, and I became conceited. My human attachments were becoming more severe. In 2006, “Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles” was published. When I saw “jue (决) dui、jue (决) bu” [1], which matched my human attachments, I changed the characters for all the articles I had and Zhuan Falun. Afterwards I changed all the page numbers of the articles into Chinese numbers. When someone told me that I was disrupting the Fa, I felt very angry. Even though I did not say much, I felt very satisfied with myself inside and looked down at the person who said that to me. It later developed to the point that I would change characters whenever I enlightened to it, such as the use of “he” and “it” [2]. Regarding page 181 of Zhuan Falun, I remember angrily telling two fellow practitioners that this snake interfered with Master’s Fa rectification, so “he” should be changed to “it”. The three of us all changed the character, and at that time I felt very reasonable (I later found that they secretly changed it back, which made me feel very unhappy at the time). When Clearwisdom announced to change “真象” back to “真相” [3], I felt resistance because I thought that Master had said to use “真象” in “Using at Will”. In 2008, I saw the new version of the articles and every “jue (决) dui、jue (决) bu” was changed back to “jue (绝) dui、 jue (绝) bu”. I was shocked and vehemently struggled inside; was I wrong? I was not able to calm myself down, and my attachments to fame, self-interest and vanity crazily resisted. At this time a practitioner shared that he had enlightened to the fact that the character change between “he” and “it” was needed in Master’s Fa rectification process. Something was changed to “it” because it was not good and had to be eliminated; something was changed back because it turned good and was reborn. I suddenly understood.
I could never pass the xinxing tests between my mother and me. I was extremely worried but could never figure out why. After reading about the behaviors of people who disrupted the Fa, I felt that I had found the root of the problem. The evil communist culture stresses self-devotion and the philosophy of fight and struggle. Every time conflicts occurred, I would always fight to win. When I could not tolerate losing, I would yell, stir up trouble and greatly exert my demon nature. I would force my mother to apologize and soothe me. It was really scary. However, now I am very happy that I have found these attachments and human notions. I used to feel that I had been hurt many times through my interactions with fellow practitioners, but when I look back now, everything was actually good. Because of their selfless help, I was truly able to clearly see the attachments and human notions that I had not realized.
I truly thank Master and fellow practitioners.
[1] “jue dui、 jue bu” can be translated as “absolutely, absolutely not”. “Jue” can be written as either 决 [decide; determine] or绝 [absolutely].
[2] In Chinese, “he” and “it” are both pronounced “ta”.
[3] In Chinese, truth consists of two characters: “zhen” and “xiang”. “Xiang” can be written as either 象 [appearance] or 相 [situation].
Translated from:http://www.zhengjian.org/node/118824
