PureInsight | June 18, 2007
This morning I had some thoughts about many things. I was having
thoughts about a certain fellow practitioner and was talking to myself
in my head. I had resentment and also clarity.
I remembered past dreams from a couple of days ago. They were
nightmares. I said to myself suddenly, "These thoughts are not me, I
reject that thought and those ideas. They don't belong to me."
I suddenly felt lighter and then the words I thought were loud in my
head and strong with no outside meanderings. I recognized that I was
observing righteous thoughts from the FA. I then realized that I
could sustain this with my mind being rational.
I thought about that practitioner again and I still thought that his
shortcomings were sins. I thought that many things that that
practitioner thought that I carried about him were not true, very far
from it. But for some reason I could not ever get that
across. He would continue to accuse me and stayed firmly stuck in
his mindset, which affected his behavior.
I wondered if I should have those thoughts. But, actually, the
problem was the resentment or feeling behind the thoughts. I still
thought I saw him correctly, but the emotion is what stands in my way
and I noticed that I did not want to get rid of the emotion!
I noticed that for me, because I thought I happened to be correct about him, I was
then "justified" in having the emotion as well.
This is a serious mistake. The emotion is not me. The
resentment is false and has nothing to do with me. That being
strives to stay alive in me because of "unfairness to myself."
Now I realize this attitude is like a "chip on the shoulder."
Complaining about unfairness to myself.
The being behind the emotion, comes and goes, back and forth. I
have the thought now to keep chipping away at whatever importance I
place on this. This is not something I need to continue to have
and, since it isn't me, why am I carrying around this bag of emotion?
Of course, it is to validate self, but what else? There's the root I need to find.
However, I am feeling strong and clear. This has not happened to
me before. I have not known this cultivation state before.
