PureInsight | July 1, 2002
It has taken me many days to finally write down this experience in cultivation even though I had chosen a title. I had a sense of what I wanted to write but the subject was still difficult to approach. I remember when it started. It was a year ago at the Chicago Conference 2001. But I need to start before then.
Even though I had been practicing Falun Gong since November 1999, the deeper meaning and seriousness of both cultivation and Fa rectification had been pretty lost on me until the earlier New York conference of 2001. I remember going with another practitioner from Cincinnati, the group I started with. We talked about how we were each hoping the other would say she couldn’t go because of some other everyday obligation. We eventually found ourselves on the road trip discussing our hesitation and our respective understandings of this problem. She felt responsible for me, since I was still a fairly new practitioner. I felt I couldn’t do things without her, though I’d made the trip at least as far as Maryland several times alone. Shortly on the way, a tiny Falun pin I wore almost daily fell off my shirt and was lost. I felt awful. How could I lose something so precious? Did this mean I wasn’t worthy? I just didn’t “feel” right without my pin. My fellow Chinese practitioner smiled and said how fortunate for the person who finds it! Oh, how far behind I was! Selfishly hanging on to what the pin meant to me while she was happy for another. Even more xinxing challenges and discoveries awaited me in New York.
The New York Chinatown parade first tapped the fear I didn’t know I had and shook me out of complacency. They briefed us to be extra cautious because they expected serious interference from hired “thugs.” I thought, maybe I shouldn’t participate. Because of past experience and occupation, I didn’t want to be identified, photographed or whatever else might happen. I was recuperating from a broken ankle and thought to use that as an excuse. At the last minute, I decided to join but fear had me peeking at every corner. It was indeed a difficult time – the slanderous, angry shouting; the anonymous photographers. It seemed unreal. While walking I happened to talk with a Lao Taitai from Mainland China. I thought, what dedication that she would come all this way and so easily expose herself to such danger knowing she would return home shortly. I had to face my cowardice as a Western practitioner. Up until that day, I have to admit I felt relatively safe in my own country from any persecution as a practitioner. But not after.
Later, during experience sharing, I tried hard to stay awake, sufficiently admonished by one of Master’s articles and our group discussion about being disrespectful to the Fa when not paying full attention. I don’t remember everything shared but one woman really touched my heart. In short, she had been practicing about as long as I had, apologized to Master Li for taking so long to “understand”, thanked him for patiently waiting for her, and dedicated herself to catching up with Fa-rectification. A wash of – I’m not sure now – guilt, shame, sadness, maybe all of these things went through me as I realized how much time I’d wasted. Tears flowed down my cheeks and I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so moved. I thought about how I, too, needed to truly dedicate myself and catch up, in my heart I apologized to Master, even as another still incomprehensible thought flashed in my mind. Suddenly I felt an intense heat flow through my body from head to toe, so forceful I staggered. Frightened, I quickly found several practitioners I knew and asked them to read Lunyu with me. I couldn’t calm down for some time. On the way home, I was able to discuss my thoughts with the veteran practitioner. Somehow she reassured me that I could become more diligent, and she gave me suggestions about how to do this, urging me to “read the Book more” and to read Minghui on the Internet.
Initially, I was upset with the veteran Chinese practitioners back home. Why hadn’t they explained the seriousness to me before, urged me to read Zhuan Falun? Why were they so delicate with me? One of them tried his best to help me understand that Master Li arranges things for us when we need to experience them, timing making it all the more profound and moving. Was I really angry with them, then, or with myself? Of course, it was me. Although I increased my study of the Fa and time spent with other practitioners, I didn’t realize how much I focused on myself until the Chicago Fahui. This was my first true understanding of the depth of the persecution in China as we assembled to send righteous thoughts outside the Chinese consulate. The fear of discovery returned but I knew I had to go. While we were sending righteous thoughts, I had another vivid experience. In the middle of sending, my heart began to race as if it would literally burst out of my chest. I was so frightened and felt myself waver. Suddenly, somewhere within me a voice said something like, “It doesn’t matter, I must eliminate the evil to the end.” I straightened up and felt a calm flow through my body. I completed sending righteous thoughts but when we finished I felt fearful again. I was even afraid to talk with my fellow practitioners about it. When I finally did, one of them was happy for me. He believed I had passed the test of giving up “Life and Death.” I’d never thought about it before, often marveling at the strength of the practitioners in China who were bravely facing torture and death almost daily.
But this idea only served to heighten my fear. Reading Master’s new articles were equally distressing. Each new revelation about our task in Fa-rectification and the extent of the evil, added to my attachment. I was preparing to move out of state to a place where I would be a lone practitioner and the thought of leaving my fellow practitioners really made me anxious. In August, each mile towards my new home made me feel even more afraid of dying. When we arrived in the new town, I was finding it hard to sleep and eat. Ironically, my new job is at a hospital where I am in contact or hear news of illness and death on a daily basis. What a test! When I started practicing alone at the park or when I would send righteous thoughts, I was always anxious and afraid. My heart would race and I couldn’t calm down. This went on for many weeks. Often, I thought about not practicing anymore. Even calls back to Ohio practitioners didn’t seem to help. I don’t know what changed. At some point, I decided to practice anyway because that was what I must do no matter what happened. It was my responsibility. Eventually, I was able to practice more calmly and to do Dafa work with the proper heart. I also began to experience body-purifying sensations and once felt Falun rotating so strongly it almost spun me around and I had to hold onto something. Yet time and again, thoughts of death continued to intrude into my consciousness and I ended up in a long-term tribulation.
I suspect, once I settled into the new home and job, I became somewhat complacent. I remember sharing with another practitioner about how easy it would be to become comfortable. Everything seemed so easy. Where I had expected difficulty, people were generally very nice and my job was also going well. I knew that somehow this complacency must be eliminated so I decided to go to the Salt Lake City conference. Initially, things went well. I did my best to contribute where I could and sent righteous thoughts as purely as possible. However, late in the conference I learned more distressing news and I again feared exposure and thoughts of death. I tried sending righteous thoughts and my arm literally vibrated as I struggled with my fear. Even though my heart was moved, I forced myself to stay in position for shame of being discovered. How could I be so cowardly when practitioners in China were literally dying daily? I had forgotten Master’s admonition that we not compare our tribulations to each other, and when I returned home I experienced another long-term tribulation. It was some time before I was practicing and working with a calm heart again. And always there was the thought that I was setting myself back with such a strong attachment. I began to experience odd “dreams” in which I was threatened by various things. In the dreams, I would send righteous thoughts and the threat would disappear, yet waking I would be afraid to sleep. This time, though, I refused to take so long to “wake up”! The thoughts of death began to recede again. It required that I mentally renew my dedication to the Fa almost daily. I began to discover that when I concentrated on the fact that I was participating in Fa-rectification and truth-clarification for others, the thoughts weren’t as interfering. When I consciously and vigorously strove to be more selfless – to think of others first –I experienced fewer intrusive thoughts. So simple yet so difficult.
Have I conquered this attachment? I truly do not know. Since I cultivate in a locked state, I’m sure I will not know until I have finished. However, I suspect it lingers still. A few days ago, on my way to work, I hit a sparrow. It was struggling with a moth in the road, looked up at my approach as if to fly away, and at the last minute decided breakfast was more important. I felt awful. When I looked back and saw it lying in the road, I thought, how could I have done such a thing? All the way to work I thought about what it means to kill, what karma that produces. I had forgotten that another practitioner had suggested that my greater emphasis on Compassion, something discovered during experience sharing, was being taken advantage of by the evil. Indeed, all day I had trouble sending righteous thoughts during this most crucial time, thinking how sad for the bird and what that meant about me. Selfishness again. When I was able to calm down and think rationally, I realized I had never been so concerned with the numerous insects that splattered on my windshield daily. Were their lives less precious than the sparrow’s? Didn’t Master say all life was precious? And had this act been intentional? Surely the evil was using this to divert my attention from sending righteous thoughts. When I was able to think it through, my efforts became pure again.
This is such a crucial time! I have been sensitive to the acceleration of Fa-rectification for some time now and have been alternately frightened and exhilarated by it. Yet, in the end, I know those feelings must be given up. This is what I must do, what we must do. All attachments must be left behind in order to properly accomplish our task. I cannot, we cannot let the evil continue to use our loopholes to slow the process down. This is just my experience and my understanding at my level. Please point out anything that does not properly reflect the Fa.
