PureInsight | May 28, 2006
[PureInsight.org] It seems like
I have dropped out of the sight for almost two years. The website we
were working on has also been delayed because of me. My sudden
disappearance was not caused by any external reason, it was because of
the root problem with my xinxing
that erupted. For nearly two years, everything regarding the work you
and I were working on, my relationship with the fellow practitioners
with whom I had contact, my truth-clarification work, my family
environment, and my job environment all caused problems for me at the
same time. They hit me very hard. So many different conflicts
surfaced that I couldn't deal with them all at the same time. I
couldn't deal with everything, not to mention working on the website or
clarifying the truth. For a long time, I even had problems meeting my
most basic daily needs. Looking back, it seems to me that all those
problems were bound to happen sooner or later. When all the conflicts
piled on top of each other, things were bound to explode.
I hadn't studied the Fa for a long time before my problems emerged. My
excuse was that I didn't have the time and I thought I'd make it up
when I had the time. Even when I studied the Fa, I didn't put my mind
into it. I considered the time and duration I held the book in my hands
as studying the Fa. I also considered that I had validated the Fa when
I updated the Dafa website in time and improved its appearance. Because
of my work on the website, I felt that I had kept up with the progress
of the Fa-rectification. I didn't do five sets of exercises even once
in a month. When I had experience sharing with fellow practitioners, I
frequently expressed showoff mentality that were buried deeply within
me and considered myself a pretty good practitioner. I told others that
I was doing a website for clarifying the truth and had contacts with
overseas fellow practitioners, and so on. When I shared experiences
with local practitioners, I judged them with how much truth-clarifying
work they had done. I couldn't sense my attachments to sentimentality,
money, goods, fame and wealth, and lust. In essence, I didn't try to
get rid of my basic attachments, such as show off mentality, attachment
to working on Dafa projects, and attachments to fame and wealth. I
embraced ordinary people's mentality while doing Dafa work. I was only
afraid of not being able to reach consummation and not keeping up with
Fa-rectification.
My problems persisted until an extremely dedicated practitioner pointed
out my problems to me without any reservation. I had met her only once
before. She is almost sixty and had never learned the use of a computer
prior to 1999. But her skill in using printers to make truth-clarifying
material was several fold better than mine and I am a computer
specialist. Even to this day, she still comes to me to ask me
computer-related questions. It amazed me that I couldn't match her
skill in making truth-clarifying material. As I pondered over the fact
that I was a computer specialist and that she was nearly sixty years
old and without any computer background, yet there was such an
incredible difference in the truth-clarifying material that the two of
us produced with computers. This fact made me see my shortcomings and
how far I was lagging behind. She didn't follow the conventional
methods to use a computer and printer. It was inconceivable from the
technical viewpoint how she could get things to work. I could only say
that Dafa had bestowed wisdom upon her. I began to seriously examine my
attachments to technical skill, fame, wealth, sentimentality, etc. I
knew our compassionate Teacher arranged this situation for me to
recognize my problems.
Afterwards, putting Teacher's picture in front of me, I began to study
the Fa with a pure and calm mind. I experienced a strong shock, which I
had never experienced before. I could feel Teacher immeasurable
compassion. Tears covered my whole face. It took me almost ten years to
realize what I came to this world for and what Dafa cultivation is. It
also took our compassionate Teacher ten years of waiting to enlighten
me. Teacher let me understand what I came here for and let me
understand what Teacher has given us. He made me understand how to
fulfill the vows I made long ago.
Actually, the reason that I was finally enlightened to it and was able
to walk on my path again after stumbling over and over again wasn't
because suddenly I had wisdom or inspiration or I was able to endure
more hardships. It was because our compassionate Teacher had arranged
everything for me. I need to follow Teacher's teaching and let go of my
tightly embraced attachments. As I took Fa as the teacher and laid down
all human attachments, I began to read Teacher's lectures word-by-word
and sentence-by-sentence. Teacher continued to place the inner meaning
of the Fa and wisdom in my head. I began to understand that my basic
problem in the past was that my mind wasn't in the Fa. I was merely
doing Dafa work superficially. I was particularly fond of digging into
the bullhorn in dealing with technical issues. I took the improvement
of my technical skill as an indication for the improvement in my
cultivation. I spent a lot of time and thoughts on perfecting my
technical skills. I forgot that I was a Dafa practitioner and Dafa was
the most fundamental. Dafa can endow all aspect of improvements in us,
including any skills or wisdom, as long as we upgrade our xinxing.
For the last few years, when Teacher spoke of "looking inside" or
"looking at our hearts," I thought those words were meant for others. I
always evaded my own responsibility when I encountered problems,
whether I was dealing with ordinary people or fellow practitioners.
Even when I encountered conflicts, the reason that I wouldn't say
anything was that I wanted to save face. I thought to myself, "I can't
treat things the same way as they did." I would conceal my attachments
while appearing to be calm and polite. I missed many opportunities
arranged by Teacher time and time again. My omission allowed the old
forces to take advantage of my gap. Because of my failure to look
inside and look at my heart, many sentient beings will not be
saved.
I gradually realized what had happened and came to understand how to do
well as a Dafa practitioner. I can now study the Fa with a pure and
calm mind. I also came to realize painfully that Teacher has had to
bear so much because I walked on the wrong path for so long. How can I
make up for it? Now I can feel my mind and body are going through
changes every day. But these changes are not determined by how many
things I have done or how long or for how many pages I have studied the
Fa. Studying the Fa is not a superficial form of the human world.
Making fundamental improvement in one's xinxing
is also not a superficial matter. These things are not for others
to see, or for Teacher or beings in others dimensions to see. They
aren't for obtaining wisdom from the Fa or means of solving
interference. Instead, they are the feeling of peace and tranquility
that a soul experiences after he understands the preciousness of the Fa
and truly melts into the Fa. I feel like I am a novice practitioner. My
little suffering cannot compare with the tremendous bearing by Teacher.
Right now, even though I still have thought karma and external
interferences from time to time when I study the Fa, I am able to
quickly recognize they are not part of me and I can still feel the
wonderfulness of studying the Fa and regain my consciousness quickly.
Now the situations with my family, my work unit, and fellow
practitioners have improved. When my mind is within the Fa, wonderful
changes occur in my surrounding environment. When I follow what Teacher
requires of us to study the Fa and abandon things which ordinary people
are unwilling to give up, I begin to understand the meaning of "the
Buddha lights illuminate everywhere and rectify all abnormalities." My
wife stopped criticizing me and began Dafa cultivation. My children are
becoming more sensible. My family is becoming extraordinarily
harmonious. On May 13, my wife wanted me to send her greetings to
Master and wish him Happy Birthday. Teacher has given me all these
things and I haven't lost anything except my filthy thoughts.
Translated from: http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2006/5/17/37713.html
