PureInsight | February 5, 2002
Recently, I had often been feeling nervous and anxious. I also felt bored by the Dafa work I regularly did. I suddenly became interested in reading kung-fu novels that I had stopped liking a long time ago. Before I knew it, I became engrossed in them. Despite the slight uneasy feelings within my heart, I always tried to comfort myself with the excuse that re-reading them would help me to eliminate a lot of my notions that were deeply influenced by them in the past. Finally, only after my newly rediscovered hobby held up Dafa work several times and brought difficulties into Fa-rectification and my personal situations, did I take seriously what was going on in my mind.
Digging deeply into the roots of my problems, on top of my spiritual void and pursuit for mental stimulation, I felt that what happened was mainly because I had not been diligent enough in studying the Fa and hence my mind was not in the Fa. It is true that after my Fa study had reached a certain level, various attachments had been weakened and the things in this world could hardly arouse my interest anymore. But because I had not been studying the Fa diligently enough, there was a separation between me and the Fa, or to put it plainly, I was deviated from the Fa. This is what I came to understand almost right away. But at that time, I did not realize that there was an even bigger reason why I had fallen into such a state.
One day while I was doing a demonstration of the meditation, I suddenly realized that I had similar problems in other aspects of my life. For instance, when doing Dafa work, I tended not to have much interest in work that did not involve much of my personal initiative. The work that I enjoyed putting my whole heart and energy into was that which I was not familiar with and required a certain amount of effort. I enjoyed doing it because I experienced a lot of pleasure from having the opportunity to fully utilize my personal intelligence and capabilities. When studying the Fa or doing the exercises, I always felt anxious, fretful and nervous, and it seemed very hard to maintain a heart of serenity and compassion. When I finished, however, I would feel a great sense of relief and was very pleased with myself as if a great burden had been lifted off of me. How could this be a tranquil and calm state of mind?
At that moment, Master made me realize the deeper cause behind all of these shortcomings - it turns out that I had always placed my heart among everyday people and worried about personal gains and losses while remaining in an everyday person's state. Why did I slack off with regards to the sacred mission of Fa-rectification? It was because I was unaware of my selfish desire for pleasure. Why did I become anxious and fretful when studying the Fa and doing the exercises? It was because I should have been separated from the state of ordinary people a long time ago and yet, I still was not reaching the tranquility that I had imagined I would attain.
Master said, "Let me give you an example. In Buddhism, it is said that every phenomenon in human society is illusory and unreal." (From "The Issue of the Celestial Eye" in Lecture Two of Zhuan Falun). Master also said, "After the connection, it was a little unbearable for me because no matter how high or how low my level is, I am among everyday people and still doing something purposeful—that is, saving people—and my heart is devoted to saving people. But, how peaceful were their minds? Their minds were tranquil to the point of being scary. It is possible for one person to reach this tranquility. But with four or five people sitting over there with tranquility like that, it resembles a pond of still water with nothing in it. I tried in vain to experience them." (From "Practicing Only One Cultivation Way" in Lecture Three of Zhuan Falun). These words appeared in my mind again. I remembered that some disciples had said that tranquility is a kind of true existence. At that moment, I entered this true tranquility, with no more fear and hesitation. I was held by the boundless compassion of Dafa, experiencing the magnificence of being a Dafa particle.
Translated from:
http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2002/1/20/13438.html
