PureInsight | August 9, 2004
[PureInsight.org] I would like to share with you my experience of giving up a portion of my attachment of sentimentality about and fear of my parents.
Before I was a practitioner, I never really fought with my parents, and was never a "delinquent teenager." I mainly received a lot of screams and shouts from my parents to have me suffer and to repay my karma. I never "challenged" their authority because they knew that they could trust me to always make rational choices in my life. My parents also have injuries that forced them into retirement. They basically stay at home all day and watch TV. I always thought that they had become much more paranoid because they have so much free time. My older brother, who isn't a practitioner, has told me that he plays psychologist for my parents and that he couldn't take much more of it, and that whenever they have a problem with me, they bring it to his attention instead of mine.
These elements have caused a lot of tribulations in my cultivation in Fa-rectification. I had the notion that when it comes to doing large amounts of truth-clarification work, that I would have to hide it from my parents, so that they thought I could maintain a balance between my schoolwork and Dafa cultivation. I rarely told them about what I was really doing during the school year. For example, they don't know that I went to some Fahui's and other activities far away from school. I thought that they would think that I was extreme because of all the traveling that I did, so I made a lot of meticulous efforts to hide my travels from them. I felt that by not telling my parents, they wouldn't have to complain to my brother and that it would be a big burden lifted off of his shoulders. I was also afraid that if I "challenged" my parent's authority by traveling, and they found out, they would throw me out of the house if I "went too far." I also felt that if my parents thought that I used a lot of money to travel, that they would be very angry, because they have to pay for my college expenses, while I am "wasting" my money for Dafa things. This added a lot of weight to my participating in Dafa activities, and always occupied my mind. I knew that what I was doing for Dafa was right and was a part of my path, but I felt somewhat ashamed to tell my parents the whole story of my cultivation.
Whenever I would talk to my parents on the phone from college, I would never say much to them. I would just skim things over and try to get the conversation done as fast as possible. They always weighed me down, because I thought that they thought Dafa Itself was good, but that I wasn't living up to its standards. My parents have a hard time understanding that the persecution cannot be tolerated, and why it is so important to deny it and eliminate it from the root. But even more than this, they fear that I will go to extremes in my cultivation. They would always tell me that I shouldn't expect to find all my solutions in life from a book, namely, Zhuan Falun, and that I had to fight for what I wanted. I felt like I wanted my parents to get off my back and to let me live my life and to stop weighing me down. I wanted freedom from them and to have as little to do with them as possible. I was tired of my parents and didn't want to deal with them anymore. I just wanted them to know that Falun Gong was good and to have as little talk with them as possible. I haven't been able to clarify the truth to them well enough yet. I felt like they were always holding me back and were creating fear about doing things for Dafa. But I am also to blame for their lack of understanding of Dafa. I haven't done well with cultivating myself to show them how great Dafa really is and what it has done for me. I have seen time and time again that if I am doing well in my cultivation, my parents are more supportive of Dafa, but if I am wavering in my Fa study and the three things (that Teacher requires of Dafa disciples to do), my parents will also waver as a result.
I now understand that Master had been giving me hints to tell my parents about my Dafa work for quite a long time, but I always avoided the issue. I remember when I went to Washington for a rally condemning the detainment of Charles Lee. I asked my parents if I could go, which is something I rarely do, and they said that they strictly didn't want me to go, and if I did, I wouldn't be allowed back home. While my parents make statements like this from time to time, they have no real weight and are just words, which are never met with any action. But I was still pressured by them. I was afraid to clarify the truth to my parents about why I was doing what I was doing for Dafa. I nonetheless went to Washington, and managed to sneak back home for Spring break, and my parents never knew about my trip. I thought that I had done so well, but I was just being sneaky. I wasn't living up to Master's requirement to cultivate openly and with dignity.
The turning point of this issue arose a few months ago. I decided to go to the Hong Kong Fahui. However, I felt too scared to tell my parents and went there without telling them. I felt so much mental pressure about making the decision to go. I had tears come to my eyes, and I thought that if my parents found out, that it would ruin our relationship forever. I had the notion that they would be unconditionally against my trip. I asked so many practitioners whether they thought I should go and whether it was worth it or not. I wanted my decision to be easy and carefree. I wanted to have a blank check to do what I wanted without anyone ever questioning me. I felt like I was walking down the path to Godhood, and that I would have to sacrifice to make this trip, namely, all future relations with my family.
I went to great lengths to hide my trip. I sank to a really low level to go. I asked a practitioner if he would lend me the money for the plane ticket so my parents wouldn't see that I spent my money on the ticket instead of saving it for future college expenses. I thought that my parents would be very angry that I spent a lot of money on Dafa things. This practitioner got the money for me, but before we met up his wallet was stolen along with all the money for the ticket. I knew that this was a sign from Master that I should tell them that I was going, but I had the nerve to ask the practitioner to get more money for me to pay for the ticket.
My trip to Hong Kong was very successful, and I know that I should have gone there. I also presented a paper at the Hong Kong Fahui about my trip to Argentina for the First South American Fahui. In the paper, I was looking for someone in the audience to give me an answer to my tribulation and for some degree of comfort. I wrote that paper out of attachment. I tried to sound so noble by saying things like, "I have come to this conference and my parents don't know. This is something they can never know, and if I am made to face them, I will try to face the test with righteous thoughts." These words made me feel like I was great for "giving up" my attachment in the face of life and death, but it was exactly the opposite. I was trying to show off and glorify myself.
All in all, I had so many precious opportunities to clarify the truth to Mainland Chinese face to face. At first the Chinese couldn't believe that Westerners practice Falun Gong. They also thought that other practitioners paid me a salary to go to Hong Kong. How ironic! When I returned to the U.S., my parents still had no idea that I went.
After I got back to the U.S., I asked so many practitioners whether they thought I should tell my parents. I was searching externally for excuses to avoid facing the attachment. There were practitioners who told me that I shouldn't tell my parents, and there were ones who said that I should. After hearing so many understandings from practitioners, I was left confused, and unsure of what to do. I knew that I was looking for a shortcut out of this test, but this test is a part of my cultivation.
One practitioner, in particular, harshly criticized my not telling my parents about Hong Kong. This practitioner's understanding was that by not telling my parents, I am taking away their chance to have the truth clarified to them, and their chance to improve their understanding of Dafa from all of this. I felt that this practitioner was being too hard on me. I thought that this practitioner was trying to push me too much and was going to make me break down mentally by facing this attachment instead of avoiding it. I thought that I wasn't ready to face it, but this practitioner said that I had to face it. I was frustrated that this practitioner didn't tell me pleasing words, but her words were ones that I needed to hear.
Master said at the 2004 Chicago Fa Conference that, "Have you noticed that a lot of our students can't take criticism from others? As soon as they are criticized they get mad and aren't able to take it. These things stick out pretty badly now." He also said that, "You don't want to hear displeasing things, you only want to hear pleasing things, and [you say or act like] 'I can't stand it when other people irritate me.' Think about it, everyone, isn't it ordinary people who, living in the ordinary world, care about enjoying those pleasing things and who enjoy hearing pleasing words? You're a cultivator, so do you want those ordinary things? Let me tell you, since you're cultivators and you're among ordinary people, you just have to listen to those displeasing words, and you have to be able to listen to those displeasing words." I thought that this practitioner was going to extremes and didn't understand my situation and was asking me to do the impossible. I didn't regard this practitioner as a cultivator who was trying to help me, but as an impediment in my cultivation. I didn't want to talk to this practitioner, because I thought that whenever we would talk, she would ask me if I had told my parents yet. I knew that she was right, but I wanted to avoid the attachment, causing it to be magnified in my mind and letting it control me.
I was severely interfered with by my attachments to fear and sentimentality. It distracted my sending forth righteous thoughts, my Fa study and almost every aspect of my cultivation. The attachment welled up to be so large, that it made me sick to my stomach. I was a mess after I got back. It was hard to get out of bed some mornings. It was hard to go to Hong Kong, but coming back was so much harder. I knew that I had to tell them, but I kept holding myself back. I wanted to tell them when I was in the right state, when I felt that my wisdom would come out and at a time when I would be able to benevolently resolve everything.
After truly studying the Fa with a calm heart, I was able to clearly see the attachment that was controlling me. In the Guangzhou nine-day lecture series, Master mentions that sentimentality is a demon, and I wasn't going to let this weak thing control me any longer. I knew that it had to be destroyed, and that if it wasn't, how was I going to Consummate? It absolutely had to be eliminated, as it was never a part of me. I am the principal being, and no degenerated factors should be able to control me. I remembered who I am, a Fa-Rectification Period Falun Dafa Disciple, and said to myself that nothing can stop me from reaching Consummation. Our Consummation isn't personal, but is the Consummation of immense Cosmic Bodies, and if we don't eliminate these attachments and notions that have developed over the long course of history, how can we expect to go up there and have the Honors that Master tells us about. We really are Great Cultivators who can move Heaven and Earth.
I knew that it was time to get rid of this demon, this karma, and these notions of fear and sentimentality that were never a part of me, but were there to be eliminated, completely eliminated. I went downstairs to tell my parents, but I was being interfered with by fear when I tried to get the words out. After an hour of sitting and watching TV with them, I knew that I could wait no longer, that this thing had to go!
I brought up the issue by telling my parents how I have matured this year and what led me to become a better person. I finished explaining my general understandings of how to be a good person, and then I became silent. My mother asked me if there was anything else that I wanted to say with a smile on her face. I was quivering a bit, but I said it. I told them that I went to Hong Kong to clarify the truth to the precious Chinese people, because they have been misled by lies from the Mainland propaganda machine and have the right to know the truth! The first thing that my mother said was, "You went to Hong Kong?! That's great!" Both of my parents were so happy to hear. They were in shock with big smiles on their faces. They could hardly believe me, but they were so happy from deep down within. At that moment the attachment was eliminated. I could hardly believe how tiny that attachment was and how large I was.
Master said in "Path," "And whether a person can, while breaking and eliminating the evil, step forward to validate Dafa becomes a testament about [letting go of] life and death, becomes confirmation of whether a Fa-rectification disciple can achieve Consummation, and also becomes what differentiates a God from a human. For a Dafa disciple, safeguarding and upholding the Fa is only natural." I used to have the notion that cultivation would be easy and that I wouldn't have to endure such difficult mental pressures. I thought that cultivation should be smooth sailing and that I would never be tested to this extent. But these tests are what allow us to establish our own Mighty Virtue. Cultivation is like climbing a mountain. Sometimes one may slip and fall, but what is most important is the resiliency to get back up to where one has fallen and then surpass it.
Thank you, Master, for guiding me through this tribulation and always encouraging me to improve and look within. I'd like to conclude with a quote from the article "Path," "The path a Dafa disciple takes is a glorious history, and this history has to be created by his own enlightening."
