PureInsight | May 3, 2004
[PureInsight.org]
Chapter 1: Coming to the U.S.
Anyone who casually glanced at Xiu Mei on the window seat of the plane would have seen a tall, pretty lady who was groomed in a very simple manner. It would have taken a keen eye to notice the sadness that lined her young face and hid deep behind her moist eyes.
Xiu Mei looked at the pure white clouds outside the window of the airplane with mixed feelings. On one hand she felt hope – hope that a new life was about to begin. On the other hand, she felt darkness – a darkness that might never be erased from her heart…
She missed her mother, she realized. Throughout the whole flight, and even for days when she was still in China, images of her mother had flashed before her eyes. In her dreams, Mother was always there – serving food on the table, kissing her on her cheek as she left for college, quietly listening to her excitedly tell her stories about college during dinner …
And now Xiu Mei's mother was gone from her life.
Xiu Mei silently wiped away her tears from her eyes. Even the imminent promise of arriving in the US, a land that she had dreamt of coming to ever since she was a child, could not lessen the sadness in her heart.
Two hours later, the plane touched down on the runway. Several of Xiu Mei's fellow passengers, also international students like herself, seemed to revel in the land that beckoned them, looking at everything around them with excitement.
Xiu Mei didn't feel any such excitement. Her thoughts remained in China and on the events that had shaken her over the last months.
Xiu Mei had, against the advice of her newly found Chinese acquaintances, chosen to stay with a female American roommate. She didn't want to make any friends, and she especially didn't want anyone bothering her, asking questions about her past.
Xiu Mei had come to the U.S. as a Ph.D. student in Physics. She had always excelled in studies, graduating from one of China's top universities as an excellent student. Within a few weeks, she had already started to score well in her classes.
As her classes progressed, Xiu Mei quickly realized that it was going to be impossible to avoid her fellow Chinese students, for she met them everywhere – in the labs that she worked in, in the classes she took and at the grocery stores she bought her daily necessities at.
So she eventually opened up a little and went to social events that she couldn't find any excuse to avoid. Even there, Xiu always tried to remain inconspicuous and not get too close to anyone emotionally.
The question she dreaded was finally brought up one day when Xiu Mei and her friends had finished studying together for an easy exam they had the next day.
Jun Hua, her closest friend, asked her, "So, Xiu Mei, the only person we know nothing about is you. Why don't you tell us more about yourself?"
Xiu Mei bit her lip, wondering how she would talk about a subject that she had wanted to avoid at all costs. She replied in a quiet tone, "Well, I studied in a school in Beijing. While I was studying there, I realized that I loved Physics, and so I went on to do my undergraduate studies in Physics in college. I was also certain that I wanted to come to the US for higher studies, so I took my GRE and came here for my Ph.D."
More questions followed:
"Where are you originally from? Beijing? All your life? Really? What do your parents do for a living? Your father is a businessman? Do you have a boyfriend? No?! But, you are so pretty!"
Xiu Mei cut them off in the middle, wishing to put an end to the conversation. "Hey, thanks for everything. I need to go to sleep now – it's already 10 pm. I have to get up early in the morning to review the course material for the exam." She wished them goodbye and walked back to her apartment.
As Xiu packed her bags to ready herself for the exam the next day, she wondered how much longer she could hold out, keeping the tragic facts about her mother's death to herself.
Chapter 2: Sad Reminiscence
It was early Friday night, and Xiu Mei was mad at herself for having failed to do her grocery shopping the day before. She tried her best every week to avoid shopping on the weekends, as that would be the time when most Chinese people did their grocery
shopping. She realized that she would have to go and hope that she could avoid meeting someone she knew.
Xiu Mei took the bus to the grocery store. She had purposely chosen to stay at an apartment complex far away from where most Chinese people stayed.
As Xiu Mei got off the bus, she was glad that it was starting to get dark. For some reason, she preferred the quietness of the night and the anonymity it brought to her – when the world turned dark, she felt as though she was all alone in the world, in a place where no one could find her.
She walked along the narrow lane that would lead to the center of Chinatown. As she got closer, she looked in dismay at the number of people who were walking all over the place, and prayed with all her heart that she wouldn't bump into someone she knew.
As she walked into the main street that cut across Chinatown, a familiar voice called out to her, "Hi, Xiu Mei! What a surprise, meeting you here!" And then, Jun Hua ran out to hug her.
Xiu Mei managed a weak smile and said, "Hi, Jun, how are you doing?"
Oh, great, of all the people I have to run into, it has to be Jun Hua, Xiu Mei thought to herself as she surveyed the only Chinese girl whom she could call her friend. Jun was of medium height, slightly plump and wore thick glasses. She was also highly energetic and witty and made sure she knew everybody.
"I'm doing all right, Xiu. How are you? Why didn't you tell us that you were going grocery shopping today? We could have picked you up and dropped you off…"
Xiu tried not to say much as they both walked to the grocery store. She didn't have to try too hard, though, as Jun was dominating the talking as she always did, talking about her mother's delicious dumplings one minute, and about how corrupt Jiang Zemin, the leader of the Chinese Communist Party, was the next.
They had not walked very far when Jun suddenly became quiet. When she spoke again, her voice had a strange tone to it, "Why do they have to come every weekend?"
Xiu Mei looked up in surprise – her friend's face had anger on it. Wondering what would have angered Jun, her eyes turned in the direction Jun was looking at.
Xiu was so shocked that she stopped in mid-step.
In front of them, at the major intersections, there were people wearing yellow t-shirts, painstakingly but quietly offering flyers to the people who were walking by them.
A Westerner who walked by might not have noticed them at all, but it was obvious that the Chinese people who walked by were very much aware of the presence of the people in yellow who were handing out flyers. As Xiu Mei continued to look on, she saw hatred or scorn on the faces of most of the Chinese people.
The reason for their reactions would have been obvious to any Chinese person who was witnessing the scene. It was because of three Chinese characters that were emblazoned on their T-Shirts, which read "Falun Gong".
She tried to blank out her memory, but there was no way she could forget. Tears started to flow from her eyes, and she started to sob.
"Xiu Mei, are you all right?" Jun Hua asked her, her face creased in worry. On the street, some of the pedestrians slowed down, wondering why a young girl had started to cry in the middle of the street.
"I'm all right, Jun", Xiu Mei replied between sobs. She had to try to control herself – how could she have broken down like this! If they knew the reason why she was crying, it would only make things worse!
"Xiu Mei, are you sure? Do you need help?" Jun Hua asked. She looked confused.
"It's all right, Jun. Listen, I have to leave now. I will talk to you later, all right?" Xiu Mei was trying hard not to break down again. She turned around and walked back to the narrow lane to catch her bus, leaving Jun looking at her with worried eyes.
As soon as she got into the lane, she started crying again. Why, why had this happened, she wondered, trying to stop the stream of tears that was running down her face.
"Stupid girl," she chided herself, still crying and stumbling along the alleyway as she walked towards the bus stop, "Did you think that coming to the US would help you forget it? Didn't you know that there was no way you could run away from it?"
She tried to wipe away her tears as the bus pulled up. As she got in, she felt gratified that there was no one else in the bus but for an elderly female driver.
The bus driver was surprised to see a young Chinese girl crying as she got on the bus, and hastened to try to help her out. But Xiu Mei was too tired and depressed to notice. She closed her eyes during the bus ride back home, trying to shut off the sadness that her memories were bringing back to her.
Xiu Mei felt tired and sick. Her eyes were dry and they ached. She felt that her mind was ready to explode into a thousand pieces, and she had a fever.
She glanced at her clock. It was 8 o'clock on Saturday morning, and she had not been able to sleep for the entire night. She slowly got out of bed to brush her teeth and take a shower.
Xiu Mei looked at herself in the mirror. She looked horrible – her eyes were bloodshot and had dark circles underneath them, and her face looked as if it was ready to crumple.
After she had showered, she felt a little better. As she stepped out of the bath, she finally summoned the courage to call and talk to her father in China. She realized grimly that he was the only one she could confide in and ask for support at this time.
As she was about to pick up the phone, it rang. Puzzled, Xiu Mei picked it up and said hello, "Wei?"
A pretty and soft female voice answered in Chinese on the other end, "Hi Xiu Mei, this is Jin. I just wanted to remind you that we have a meeting later in the evening today."
Xiu Mei tried not to exclaim in surprise. She had completely forgotten that she had a meeting with two of her classmates for a class project later in the evening. She replied quietly, "Yes, I remember."
"OK, great. See you at my place at 7 tonight then!" Jin replied. Before Xiu had a chance to add a word, Jin had hung up.
Xiu had completely forgotten. She had taken a course from the Computer Science department and was doing the project with two of her Chinese classmates. She had met Jin a few days back in class. Jin had suggested doing the project with another friend of hers, and Xiu Mei had agreed without a second thought. She couldn't have cared less who her project partners were as long as they didn't probe into her life.
Great, thought Xiu to herself as she looked at the phone. Wearily, she took her phone card out of her wallet and called her father in China.
To be continued…
