PureInsight | December 3, 2006
[PureInsight.org] (New England Fahui 2006)
Coming back from group study one night, a practitioner commented on why
there still seem to be questions and discussions about having a local
Fahui after it was brought up several times at the MIT and Wednesday
group study. Couldn't practitioners just support it? Although
practitioners are busy with the urgent task of supporting the gala and
the 9Ping which requires their full attention, isn't holding a Fahui
beneficial to our cultivation environment and improvement of the one
body? Practitioners have different priorities and responsibilities to
consider.
I also didn't fully support my husband's effort when he had asked me to
help with getting the articles out to be reviewed one night. It was
past midnight after righteous thoughts and I was thinking about my
comfort and sleep and complaining to him about refusing to let me use
the computer earlier to help him. At that moment, my righteous thoughts
were lacking. I took it as his responsibility and I was not willing to
sacrifice a bit of sleep for the process of reviewing the articles.
Later, when I thought about it, my behavior was not compassionate. If I
am not willing to help him, my righteous thoughts also play a role in
contributing to the success of the Fahui. Because he is really
doing things for others.
In fact, my husband would often encourage and remind me about the
importance of joining and supporting the local truth clarification
activities, while I was more concerned about working on my projects. He
reminded me of the importance of completing the experience-sharing
article as opposed to the household chores, which could be done later.
My experience-sharing article seems far from validating the Fa, or that
I am making diligent progress as I hear about in many other experience
articles presented at a Fahui. Still, I thought I could use this as an
opportunity to look inward on issues that I've been facing.
Over the past month I have been spending less time on projects and more
and more time on doing household chores. My mind has been consumed by
chaos and disorder at home and work.
My place has been infested with house moths and larvae nesting in rice
bags and the food containers. During the World Transplant Congress, I
became more alert that my cultivation state was not right when I found
silverfish and spiders were crawling in my space. These are dirty
things that might be interfering with me and also hiding in my
corresponding dimension. A practitioner who stayed at our place also
wanted to organize the containers on the shelves. It didn't seem that
bad to me and I reminded her of her purpose of being here in Boston.
Although there were projects to be done, I set them aside since I
didn't have urgent deadlines. Then the monthly Sunday group study came
up. It was a precious opportunity to attend. Still I debated with
thoughts such as maybe I can go half day and spend the other half on
projects. Perhaps I could follow the Sunday schedule and read by
myself. Or should I go if I can't concentrate on the reading? It felt
like I couldn't absorb anything further. Then I changed my mindset and
went anyway. The thought that each word I read and absorb into my mind
is the Fa, I just have to expand my capacity. A couple of days before
when I was reviewing the email notice to prepare for the reading
materials to bring for the group study, I noticed that I had more
missing articles than I had realized. This also points to a gap in my
state of cultivation.
During this time, more thoughts about work would come up whenever I was
sending righteous thoughts or many thoughts would come up whenever I
was reading. Usually, I would start Fa study right when I came home
from work, rather than putting it off into the evening. There are times
when I would be overcome by drowsiness while reading, so I would
enlarge the text size from the computer to read. Sometimes it was
difficult to finish the lecture or I would miss the global time of
sending righteous thoughts. Practicing the exercises was not a daily
routine that I have kept up either. In order to break from working on
some projects, I would go to the Commons on the weekends to practice,
or send righteous thoughts more on the hour while trying to keep up
with the reading schedule.
On the way back home after the monthly group study at MIT, it seemed
that I was not overcome by sleepiness and was able to concentrate more
during the reading. In fact, the mental pressure that was on my head
seemed to have subsided.
This also points to my state and cultivation environment. I feel as if
I'm forever cleaning up and somehow my place is still not clean. In
doing the house chores, I felt really burdened and resentful having to
do everything. I felt half of my weekend was spent doing housework,
when the important priority is to do the three things well.
Nonetheless, I did not want to neglect the housework that had to done,
as a practitioners' cultivation environment should be tidy and clean so
that there's no place for the evil to hide. Looking at my surroundings
and thinking about the chores I had to do seemed to be tiring in itself.
When I did the laundry, I used to leave it downstairs when it was done
so that my husband could bring it upstairs on his way home from work
during the evening. He thought that I was being disrespectful of him by
leaving our things outside the apartment in the hallway downstairs. It
was a load of heavy laundry and I thought I would leave it for him. I
would also leave my big hiking bag downstairs in which I carry
groceries for him to bring up. I thought he wouldn't mind helping me
with the heavy load, but he would complain about it whenever I asked
for help. His reasoning was that I should complete the task that I had
started. I also refused to pick up the newspaper lying outside our
apartment, which my husband didn't like. He thought I was treating our
belongings casually and considered that as representative of how I
treated him. I was stubborn and didn't like his giving me orders and
insisting on my bringing the paper inside. He thought I was rather
careless about leaving our laundry downstairs and interpreted it as my
being disrespectful of him and his things.
Several times, I felt spasms or a clenching feeling through my heart or
arms, or a sensation of tingling in my brain when I was carrying the
heavy load of groceries on the way back. I realized that it was related
to the resentment I had in my heart so I had to let go of the
resentment and harboring ill thoughts. I tried to be more righteous
about it, rather than become fearful of what might happen to me while I
was experiencing this discomfort.
I gradually stop expecting my husband to help with the laundry and the
groceries. I would bring it inside when I came home from work rather
than leaving it outside. Looking inward, it was my trying to avoid
hardships by expecting him to do household chores. I felt it was unfair
of him to expect me to do all the housework. He thought it was my duty
and a woman's job. I would endlessly argue with him about picking up
the M&M's and the dishes left on the table for me to clean up after
we ate. I was thinking about my own self-interest and how burdensome it
was to have to clean up after someone. I was not putting the Fa first
but validating myself and treating it as an everyday person would in
our relationship. It wasn't until a few years into our marriage that I
understood in my heart after rereading this quote: "Human beings think
it's a bad thing to experience hardships. But suffering hardships can
reduce an ordinary person's karma and sins" in "Teaching the Fa in
Canada, 2006." If I had to be the cleaning monk, then that's what I'll
do to repay previous debts.
In fact, my tendency to argue and my anger became very pronounced. And
he would remind me to be kind to him. I really felt as if my
stubbornness and anger was like a mountain that I couldn't overcome.
Later, I understood why I felt that way when reading about "the extreme
microcosm at the material formed by what your mind is attached to,
[you'd see that] they are mountains, huge mountains, made of hard,
granite-like rock, and once they are formed there's simply no way for a
human being to move them." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago
Conference")
We would disagree about some matter and I would go along with my anger
and say sharp words that I would regret. Sometimes, I would end up
going upstairs to visit my neighbor practitioner when our argument got
really heated. It seemed like no matter how much Fa study I did, I
failed to be considerate of my husband and his point of view and
treasure him as a fellow cultivator. I would argue with him in the
process of trying to point out what I saw as his notions, thinking what
I thought was right. In fact, I was validating myself and not taking
the Fa as Teacher and did not hold myself to the requirements of the Fa
and Zhen-Shan-Ren. There are definitely shortcomings in many areas for
me to improve on.
I am still struggling with basic household chorus in daily life as well
as far from meeting the basic requirements of the Fa and lack a solid
foundation on the path of cultivation. But I will continue to strive
forward to cultivate my character, to behave like a cultivator,
strengthen my determination and do the three things better.
