PureInsight | November 18, 2006
[PureInsight.org] (New England Fahui 2006)
To say how many things have happened to me since i started practicing
Falun Dafa, is going to take some time. I think that I should
start with how I came across Dafa in the first place. I saw a
woman at the local Bally's gym with her hand in front of her chest,
looking very peaceful. I had seen this woman before. She
seemed very popular and kind. I wondered what she was, as I could
only think of people in terms of professions. She must be some
type of social worker. She seemed so nice. And
friendly. So I did not feel much strain in coming up with
the courage to ask a stranger what she was doing.
So I went over and asked, "What are you doing?"
She said "I am sending forth righteous thoughts. People all
around the world are doing the same thing. At 6:00 and 12:00."
"Wow that's cool" I thought, knowing that there is power in numbers. And such a good thing, it must be powerful.
"There are other things," she said, "some exercises, do you want to see them?"
"Ehh well, I guess..."
"You know you should meet us at Brown University. There are some students there and we meet every morning. At 6:00."
"WHAT? That's kind of early, don't you think?" I thought.
"Well you should. Why don't you read Falun Gong? I have a copy, here you can borrow it. Go ahead. Take it. Read it."
"Sure", I said.
Two months later I really hadn't read it yet. She said, "Well if
you aren't going to read it, can you give it back? I can give it to
someone else."
"Well, wait a minute. Okay, okay, I'll read it. So I breezed
through it. The only thing I really remember about it is that I
felt that it was a big deal that I read it thoroughly.
"Well you should come to Brown to meet us", you should, you should you should.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay one of these days I AM going to go and see
what this whole thing is all about. It can't hurt to give it a
try right? I mean you have always at the very least tried it
before you discounted it right? so...
Well, I went. I went and met these kids and Liz showed me the exercises
that day. The exercises felt pretty good. And then we sat
down to do the Meditation. It hurt. But I kept at it. The
first unusual thing I noticed was I saw a visual picture of a blackened
face opening one yellow eye, cautiously looking around in a
squint. Was that me?
I was so proud of myself for sticking through the whole thing. And two hours later we were done.
TWO HOURS!? For what!? Am I going to stick with this? I
remember thinking "yeah right, I don't think so." Too early, too
long, too hard, especially the sitting part. Then they said, "Do
you want to read with us?" I was not very happy with this idea as
I thought that I was going to be praised for all the work I just did
and be heading home. Not only was I not praised, but also there's
MORE? We are going to read, together? Isn't that
kinda weird?
Well OKAY, I'm here; I might as well follow through.
So we read. And I made it. It was a lot of work for me at
the time. So as I am driving home, I am looking around. I felt
different. How I don't really know, but I think I just felt
tired. And then I noticed something. Something that I can't even
remember the last time I saw. I noticed that I could see
the cracks in the street very clearly. All those little
individual pebbles that make up the road. Just very clear.
Huh. Very strange.
I went home to try my usual daily routine of trying to practice the
piano, the same piece over and over again, and fighting with myself to
try to avoid all of the things that I have gotten in a habit of
doing. Lots of habits - woeful vices that are prevalent in
society today. I blame all kinds of things, George Bush, my
upbringing, my mother, my girlfriend, on and on. Just a never
ending circle after circle of pity, excuses, whining, sleeping, drugs,
drinking and hoping that something
will happen to save me from this unbearable mess that I seem to be
in. I had fleeting moments of thoughts of suicide. Throw
myself in front of a train. I had serious thoughts of fleeing the
state. Just get out of here. RUN away. Go call
up some ex- girlfriends and see if they are open to seeing me.
After about a year of this, I was feeling pretty hopeless. My
visual picture was of me at the bottom of a well, looking up at the
blue sky about 15 feet above me and feeling that I was not going to get
out of it, but only sink deeper until I could no longer see the
sky. I had not the strength to climb out and I did not have the
energy to jump out. I was just stuck. How was I going to
get out? Check out. Permanently.
I was so angry. I just wanted an opportunity to rend and avenge
those who I thought had wronged me. Destruction, terror,
death. And the inability to do any of that, not because I knew it
was wrong, but because I had no strength, or courage, to do it unless
the person was totally helpless. This is how I was. I was
only 39. I was on a path to nowhere good. I knew I
didn't even have the strength to be bad.
So that first day, time went on and nothing else seemed to be
occurring. I guess that was it. I saw the pavement a bit
better. This phenomenon was not new to me, my vision has been my
proving ground for improvements in the past, as it is easily
monitored. Drugs helped me see temporarily better but, of course
it wouldn't last.
Then suddenly around 4:30pm, after most of the day had passed, I
realized something, something so phenomenal, that I couldn't have
believed it if it didn't happen to me.
I realized that I hadn't even thought about indulging in my drug habit.
No battle, with my predictable defenseless temptations - I just didn't even think about it - it never entered my mind.
Still, the morning had seemed like too much work. I didn't want
to get up again at 6:00 , stand there doing not very exciting
exercises, sit through another painful meditation, and then do that
absurd reading. I just wasn't up to it.
So I didn't go. And the next day felt immediately like all the
other days that I had been suffering through for the last two
years. All the vices returned. I did all of the things that
I hate to do, things that were clearly getting me nowhere. I fell
apart like wet sand at the beach. And it was at that moment that
I realized that this Falun Dafa WAS good!
I went back the next day, and, by God, I have been there every day since then.
People often ask me what benefits have I received, or what this DAFA
has done for me. There are so many things that I sometimes
forget.
For example, my visual acuity continued to clear and sharpen.
Soon color really began to come back into the picture.
Two weeks later I stopped taking the medication that I had been taking
for two years, paying 300 dollars a month for, and would not quit if
you paid me.
Then mid summer, after sustaining a lot of pain in the half lotus for
45 minutes 5 days a week, another very startling thing happened.
I had a moment of complete thoughtlessness. Nothing was on my
mind! For like 15 seconds! I knew at that moment that I was truly
working towards something truly great! I knew that it was possible to
lengthen that period of time. Imagine, not thinking constantly
about something?, more like not thinking about 20 different things at
the same time? Worth every ounce of effort.
The next thing that I want to talk about was my first conference.
I had been nagged and told to go, like I had been told to read, and I
think that two conferences went by, and I did not see the point in
going. Finally, on the spur of the moment, I went to a New York
Conference. I was curious to see the Master that had written the
book, whose principles I had been trying to assimilate to.
When he did show up, everybody stood up and applauded earnestly and with conviction.
And something else happened that I did not expect. I felt my
heart move up in my chest what felt like three inches. It just
jumped. It was like joy I had felt very briefly in the past but
this stayed there! And my stomach and lower belly seem to feel
very good.
A week later after a week of practice and having my belly feel
increasingly better each day, I went to a party and drank and smoked,
and the feeling disappeared. I tried to cultivate very hard to
bring it back, but it was gone. I realized this was a lesson for
me. I really wanted that feeling back.
A year went by. I kept waiting for the announcement that another
convention was going to happen. Finally it came. I was
going back. I wanted to feel the same thing that I had felt
that week. I was wondering if I would actually get it. I realized
that I should not be too attached to such an outcome, as hoping would
probably not help me. And the day came. Master
appeared. Nothing happened. I did feel a curious "hold" on
my heart like it was being slightly squeezed. I let out a yelp of
happiness that he was doing something but I kept waiting for my wheel
to start turning, and it did not happen. I was
disappointed. I was hurt. I felt like I had worked very
hard all year and what had he given me for it? Nothing. The next
day I was still hurt and not very happy. I even mentioned to some
other practitioners that I was questioning the whole Dafa
experience. Then I noticed that the ringing in my ears was gone.
Just gone. My hearing was indeed amazingly clear. My mind
was also strangely unable to think too much about anything else than
what was actually going on. This was a huge improvement for me,
because all I ever think about is stuff that has NOTHING to do with
what is actually going on. I vowed to make sure it stayed that
way. Some part of me was still worried that I would lose it. And
in spite of my concern, one week later one year to the day that it had
happened last year, those same people that I had partied with and drank
with, and smoked with came up and I smoked with them. No drink,
but I smoked with them. One ear immediately began to ring again.
I just couldn't stay away. Why? I have yet to answer that question
entirely. Remember how Master said that it is so difficult to
save a human being? I am living proof of that.
These days, in September of 2006, I finally got a sense that I could
look forward to tomorrow, rather than fearing what it would bring
me. I have literally lived my life waiting for the other shoe to
drop. But I am truly and completely eliminating that evil.
To my profound relief.
I would like take this opportunity to express my greatest appreciation
and respect to Master for giving me this precious opportunity to enter
Dafa cultivation.
