Anger is Painful

[PureInsight.org] I have
recently had many conflicts with other cultivators all at the same
time.  I tried to be unmoved and take it all lightly, but
eventually was not able to handle the enormous pressure it caused.



Two practitioners cut me off completely.  Others were busy proving their point. Still others were defensive and guarded.



After this series of things occurred I became numb.  I no longer
wanted anything to do with other cultivators.  For me, my
experience had been different from the countless sharings I had read
and I would be envious (jealous) of the kindness others would receive,
while as I seemed to receive exactly the opposite.  For years I
looked inward to see countless shortcomings, but the basic situation
hasn't changed.



I still don't know why.  But I have thoughts that it just has to
be what I pay off.  I simply have to endure all of it.  And
it raises the anger.



But recently, a practitioner that I had not talked to during this time
and knew nothing of what had occurred, called me.  And we talked
about things.  I related that there were many things that I simply
did not have the heart for.  And because I didn't really have the
heart for it, then I should maybe not cultivate.  But he has some
third eye ability like myself and was able to show me that I was
thinking of things on a surface level.  After hearing many things,
I began to feel that maybe I could still cultivate, as what he said,
made sense to me.  I thought, maybe I could.



One day I was going to the supermarket.  I had some thoughts about
one of the cultivators that had cut me off.  A song from the radio
came on and the last words were,

"'no one ever

is to blame."



I enlightened that it was a hint.  I felt tired and spent from
carrying anger around so much.  I get it from family and I get it
from cultivators and there is not a moment of peace.  I knew that
I was too easily moved and carried anger and resentment, but I simply
could not get past it.



But in that moment, I realized that it wasn't really worth it to be
angry all the time and I suddenly enlightened that anger is
painful.  There is no point in spending all this time blaming
others or myself.  It only continues the pattern.  Wars
continue on because of holding onto blame and anger.



I remembered Master's words in Zhuan Falun:
"Because the cultivation of Shan can generate great, benevolent
compassion, and when compassion develops one will find all beings
suffering, the Buddha School thus develops an aspiration to offer
salvation to all beings."



I enlightened that everyone walks around in pain all the time,
especially many cultivators.   As cultivators we try to rise
above it, however we often can only rise to a certain point before we
are again in pain.  Cultivation takes time.   In
society, people always suffer, but don't know it.  They spend lots
of time and energy trying to avoid pain (drugs, entertainment,
over-working, under-working, sex, gambling, shopping, etc.) or explain
pain, (various shows like Oprah, Dr. Phil, going to psychologist,
self-help books, etc) or become overwhelmed and lash out in pain
(Columbine shootings, Amish shootings, stressful lives with
abuse).  Actually, what I enlightened to is that everyone is
suffering, that to be here is to suffer.  Only by rising above
such things, deep in one's heart, will one find freedom.  I
understood what Master was saying on just this surface level.  I
enlightened that everyone wants to end the pain.



 My understanding is that since I am here, I will suffer, and that
even that is hard for me to accept. I too am in pain and I stay in the
pain, because I try to avoid the pain.  I think there is no
"trick" or "technique" to it, you simply decide to let go of the
blame.  Perhaps I will be able to rise above it one day and let it
all go.