PureInsight | August 9, 2004
[PureInsight.org] This is my first experience sharing essay. So perhaps it is best to start sharing from the beginning by summing up the past four years including some important things that happened during my cultivation.
Year One:
I obtained the Fa at Clark University in the autumn of 2000 when a friend, Daniel, passed on a copy of Zhuan Falun to me. Just a few weeks prior to that, my life was a very chaotic, as I had just lost my Dad to suicide. Since I was a very young child, around six years old, I learned that my father suffered heavily from a drug and alcohol problem. Throughout the years, our family went through many ups and downs. From this, at a very young age, I became very forgiving (almost numb at times) to my dad's condition.
Shortly after I moved to college, it seemed that perhaps there was still hope for him. I began taking interest in my studies, and psychology seemed to be a good way to help others. I began taking courses in this field and was also beginning to develop some great friendships. In this environment, however, I was exposed to the social scene and its drugs and alcohol. At the time, it was inevitable that I fell into these bad habits, which would prove tough to break for some years to come.
The first time I read Zhuan Falun, the concept of Buddha and Tao were quite foreign to me. Throughout my earlier life, I was raised in a parochial Catholic family and school, and one of the most ingrained notions was that of belief in only one God who is Jesus Christ. As a result, the idea of becoming a Buddha or Tao through a lifetime of arduous suffering was a bit unique to me, but still engaging. It was also during this time that the five exercises were taught to me, though the sitting with double legs crossed was too difficult at the time. During this period of my life, to practice was fine, and to not practice was also fine.
Year Two:
It was during this year that some major changes started to occur within myself. I had heard and read others' stories of Falun Gong instantly changing their lives for the better. One practitioner's words, "I snapped out of alcohol and drugs fast" were very inspiring. However, I was still using drugs and alcohol quite frequently. It was different from before, as though there was always a voice inside my mind telling me to let go of them, that they would not get me anywhere, and that there was a better way to live. I went on like this for quite some time, teetering back and forth between regarding myself as a practitioner and falling into old bad habits.
One of my final class projects was the creation of a video, so I thought it would be good to interview Daniel about his travels to China, including presenting information about the persecution, so that more people could know about it. The project went well overall. In the video was an exercise demonstration, the truth about what Falun Dafa is, an interview with Daniel about his experience in a Chinese prison and some clips about the evil nature of the persecution. The video went over quite well with people in class, including the professor who smiled and said some kind words of appreciation.
After classes ended that semester, Rebecca and I moved out to Arizona to spend the summer living with her sister. In this environment, I kept reading Zhuan Falun and was able to refrain from using any drugs and alcohol even though they were frequently around. Other attachments arose, however, and it would be frequent that I found myself judging others for using drugs, which resulted in lots of mental hardships. Deep inside, I knew that being compassionate to all those around me is the best way to be. After that summer of struggling with relinquishing some bad attachments, we returned home and back to school.
Year Three:
During this year, my will to practice and read Zhuan Falun continued to grow stronger. In the latter half, I was gifted with the opportunity to travel to Australia with Rebecca to study abroad. Shortly after arrival, I met some other practitioners there and began to practice more frequently in the group environment. The practice went very well, and the relationships and friendships formed with others who did not practice improved greatly. I attended a few group studies where a kind practitioner gave me some scriptures that I had not read before.
Some days later, I set out on a bicycle equipped with a tent, some food, a small guitar (which I played for passersby who would give donations) and scriptures for Fa study. My intention was to bike as far north as possible in search of truth while letting go of some attachments. The biking got physically grueling at times and I recall having frequent thoughts that I was biking for Truth, Compassion and Tolerance. I remember thinking that if I had placed a sign on the back of the bicycle, it could be a good way to raise awareness about the persecution, but this good idea never manifested physically. Surprisingly, I traveled over 300 miles in one week. Over the course of the trip, I experienced a freedom that I had never felt before. There were no ties to routine, and I met some very interesting and kind people.
Over the three months spent in Australia, some great benefits like cherishing others on a deeper level, and finding my surroundings very beautiful and mystical strengthened my faith in Dafa. Soon, I was to return to the States; however, and some very bad attachments arose again like drinking alcohol. Looking back it is clear that my cultivation would be more solid by removing all attachments to external and environmental factors as they have played a role in different cultivation states.
For some months, my progress in cultivation stalled because I rarely found time to practice or read. It was as though coming back to the US was re-entering ordinary human society compared to the mystical and beautiful realities of Australian life, which were very much out of the ordinary. Nevertheless, shortly after senior year began, my wish to cultivate once again emerged. Near this time I recall having a dream in which some spinning wheels that looked like fireworks were shooting high into the sky from the ground. I remember one going straight up, then another one coming towards me very fast. I tried to run from it and hide undercover, but as I ran the wheel came and hit me in the back of the head. The heat was intense, and it was a very uncomfortable state with a loud spark, but it was brief as I remember letting go of myself and becoming relaxed and more calm before waking from the dream. This marked the beginning of my fourth and most solid year in cultivation of Falun Dafa.
Year Four:
Soon after having this dream and realizing that I would be missing out on a great opportunity if I did not continue with practice and study, reading Zhuan Falun once again became a part of my daily routine. Prior to this year, I was a person who believed what he did not see, and not one who is very sensitive to drastic changes that occur in the body. Regardless of this, I made more efforts to practice with others on campus as we had a Falun Dafa club. Practicing frequently was very good and my ability to sit longer grew steadily. Also, I was making some efforts at clarifying the truth in class through doing a small research questionnaire on the topic of happiness. I compared reported levels of happiness amongst practitioners of Dafa with those obtained from ordinary people. After doing a statistical analysis with a program called SPSS, the findings showed that Dafa disciples generally reported higher levels of happiness than those that didn't practice. My professor appreciated this paper, since his field of expertise was studying the psychology of emotions.
Other small efforts of clarifying the truth on campus including giving an exercise demonstration for a variety show and an Asian heritage show. All the other acts were ordinary in their nature, but our demonstration was very appropriate for those occasions. One friend commented on feeling really relaxed after watching the exercise movements.
Practicing the sitting was and still is very painful, but Master said in "A Person's Base" in The Ninth Talk of Zhuan Falun:
You get white matter when you've endured hardships...
These words motivated me to sit more and endure more, and at times I saw bright shiny specs inside the black ink of the letters of Zhuan Falun. They would shine bright like stars, then disappear after looking away and looking back again for them.
Another improvement that was made during this time was sending forth more righteous thoughts. Before, in previous years, I did not see the great importance of doing this. One night, Rebecca and I were awakened from sleep from very bad and negative swear words between our neighbors outside. Rebecca went to the bathroom, so I sat up in bed and began to send forth righteous thoughts. After a few moments, I heard the beautiful chirping of a bird. It kept repeating the same melody over and over again. And shortly thereafter, the neighbors quieted down. Rebecca returned to the room while I was still in half lotus position and holding big lotus palm up. I opened my eyes and she said, "We helped them." I said "We did?" She commented that she prayed for those neighbors to stop yelling at each other. This occurrence struck me as pretty interesting because Rebecca does not cultivate Dafa, but she was raised in a Protestant home, and her family members often display good inborn quality as they are frequently in good spirits with bright and positive attitudes.
In fact, I felt a tremendous responsibility for them as a human and as a cultivator. In the earlier years, before ever reading Zhuan Falun, often times it was Rebecca who would show me the meaning of kindness as she was always polite and warm to all people she met. On an emotional level, I love them, but on a deeper level I want to always demonstrate the great benevolence of a Falun Dafa practitioner so they can be saved. In the past, I have struggled many times with the issue of lust for Rebecca and done poorly. Lately, I have been feeling very shameful of this behavior, but I must not let my shameful acts prevent me from doing what is right now and in the future. Master said:
There is no lust between a husband and wife.
(From Falun Dafa: 9 Day Lecture in Guanzhou, China) After being boyfriend and girlfriend for six years, we are now engaged to be married this September.
Since graduating from college and moving back home, once again my environment has changed, and become more complicated. My cultivation state the past several weeks has not been as good as it was over the course of the school year. In graduating, my responsibilities and duties amongst ordinary society have increased a lot. In beginning many new relationships with predestined people, I have realized the importance of my better conduct so that they can see the greatness of Dafa.
Writing these experiences down has been a beneficial reflection on the path I have walked over the past four years. I know that there have been many mistakes, but I pray that it is not too late for me to get back on the better track. Looking back, it is helpful to focus on those actions that were carried out smoothly and for the benefit of others, instead of focusing on selfish tribulations and trials that were not handled well. Now is the time to continue to study Fa, practice the exercises, send forth righteous thoughts, and step forward to validate the Fa so that more sentient beings can be saved. I thank practitioners for hearing my words and offering any insight and pointing out immediate problems that I need to fix.
