Living without Illness

[PureInsight.org] At the same time as the Y2K scare, I was in desperate need of a miracle. I was losing an eight year battle with a chronic illness which was later compounded by complications from a reaction to a medication. Consequently, I had to move to my parent's home, on October 28, 2000, my fate unknown since I could no longer eat, sleep, or stand.

A miracle was truly in order as there were no other options for getting better. I had already explored the best therapies and healers' alternative, Chinese and western medicine had to offer, but to no avail. For three years, I put all my strength and resources into getting well. That amounted to a total of one year's gross earnings in paying for Traditional Chinese Medicine, western herbs, western physicians, diets, body and energy work, counseling, insurance, prescription medications, alternative medical therapies, spiritual healers, and so on. Each new modality or practitioner would bring some relief and then I would spiral down again.

Master Li, the Teacher of Falun Dafa states, "Some illnesses cannot be detected at a hospital, even though people are actually ill. Some people are diagnosed with illnesses that do not have names, since they have never been seen before. Hospitals call all of them "modern diseases." (Zhuan Falun) My overall chronic condition was never detected or named. The symptoms looked similar to those associated with thyroid and adrenal dysfunctions with severe allergies, chronic yeast infections, an inability to sleep, plus chronic fatigue.

By the spring of 2001, I was at my parent's house bed ridden and waiting and wanting to die. Words do not seem to convey the depth of my pain and suffering. Making a simple breakfast was about all I could do for the day. My skin was gray and there was literally no light shining in my eyes, as a result of the reaction to the medication. There was no relief for me as lying, standing, sitting or walking was excruciatingly painful. The shower water even hurt my skin. My digestive system roared with unfathomable acid, gas, and pains making me miserable and making eating very difficult. I lived in fear of allergic reactions to foods and the environment around me. Pain radiated through my back from pressure being place on my spine and degenerated discs.

Because of my condition I had lost everything, including my ability to support myself, my own living space, my job, dog companion, friends, and my personal belongs. I felt betrayed by my body, the medical professions, and by spirit. By now, my mental health was completely off the charts with anxiety, grief, depression, and suicidal thoughts! What I use to find comfort in now gave me anxiety, such as my beloved meditation practice, painting, or reading. I was so alone in this fight to survive. I hated my body and myself for not being able to get better.

Learning Falun Gong

In May 2001, a friend e-mailed me about the Falun Dafa web site. She was doing the Falun Gong exercises and feeling better and maybe it could do the same for me. I told her there was no room in my heart for such hope, but after two more emails from her, I tried to learn the exercises on my own with no success. I found that there was a practice site in town and I turned to the local Falun Gong practitioners for help in learning the exercises. My practice, as do all Falun Gong practices, began with regularly doing the exercises and reading and applying the teachings in the book, Zhuan Falun, by Li Hongzhi. I started by learning the exercises and practicing twice a week at the local park with other Falun Gong practitioners.

A month or so later, I began to read Zhuan Falun. At first, the pages were all fuzzy and I had trouble looking into Master Li's face. All I experienced was my fear. Perhaps I was not to read this, as I might be one of those seriously ill people who should not practice, I wondered. I could identify with all of the attachments about which Master spoke. For example, I wanted to do the exercises to get well, and wanted to write Master to see if I would get better, and so on. I felt ashamed of my intentions. In the past, I had opened up to some of my supernatural abilities while doing a Native American cultivation practice, and found I had erred with the use of these abilities just like it said in Zhuan Falun. I had sought to heal others with energy work and to give fortunes to earn some money. I was fearful I was not worthy of the Falun Gong practice because of these errors, and thus not worthy of healing.

Thanks to Master's compassion, he gave me time and the tools to let go of these sick ways of thinking. I began by reading all of Master's books and lecture papers that are on the Internet and took special note about the topics of illness. But, I also found many other new concepts that became my point of reference to examine myself from, such as identifying attachments, intentions, and old notions. I immediately started applying my new found understandings in my daily life. I kept saying to myself, "How would a practitioner handle this? This is only a tribulation and a way to repay karma." Soon, the pain in my physical body began to disappear and my digestion began to strengthen. I first attributed my changing health to a combination of Falun Gong, new Chinese herbs, and an alternative physical therapy program. Four months later, I was off all medications, herbs, and supplements and no longer sought any type of therapy or physical adjustments, and I knew my improving health was from one source only, Falun Gong. I was on the road to recovery and I had found something very special.

There was also another story unfolding. Coming home to my parent's home after 22 years was a hellish experience all on its own. Aging had not been kind to either parent. My mother was a loving person one minute and a mean and abusive person the next. I felt sorry for her as she lives with many chronic conditions. My father was not comforting or supportive either as he too was not himself. Thus, the opportunity to upgrade my xinxing was granted daily while living with my parents.

I would not outwardly fight with my mom, but I would silently tell her off. When I could no longer endure I resorted to giving her childish "I hate you" looks. This only caused her more pain and then I felt guilty. Fortunately, I began to have more control of my thoughts and childish behavior as I followed Mater's instructions outlined in Zhuan Falun. For example, Master says, "So you should not be like him or become really upset with him, despite his putting you in this awful situation where you cannot even raise your head. Instead of being angry with him, you should thank him in your heart and thank him sincerely." Often I found myself saying, "Thank you mom for the opportunity to upgrade my xinxing." Sometimes one thank you came right after another and another. Soon, I was having more anger-free days with my mom, but I still found the situation overpowering.

My body continued to be purified as I made progress with several hours of daily reading of Zhuan Falun, practicing the exercises at a practice site and at home, book study with other practitioners, upgrading my xinxing, and participating in truth-clarification projects that told the public about the persecution of Falun Gong members in China. I still had a ways to go with bodily purification, but the transformation seemed unbelievable. Even so, I was stunned when my mom announced it was time for me to leave. I was not ready or able to rejoin the workforce. But, two weeks later, my mom handed me her car keys and my dad handed me some money and they said, "Good luck." What a wonderful new set of tribulations. I was homeless, jobless, and still weak and not fully without health issues. Regardless, it was such a relief to get away from my parents.

Attachments, Fa Study, Righteous Thoughts and a New Beginning

Falun Gong cultivates both a person's mind and body. Master Li states, "Cultivation focuses inward, and a cultivator should cultivate him or herself and look within to find the source of problems." (From: Falun Gong, pg 63) My question then was how was I responsible for someone else's crazy behavior or abusive nature like my mom's? I would look within and get some insight, but I still did not understand how to take total responsibility for what was going on. After leaving my parents, each new tribulation was assisting me in discovering how to be responsible and assisted in eliminating even more of my health symptoms.

Since looking inward was more often artificial for me I would try to identify the attachments by mentally going through the list of attachments Master talks about in his writings, such as jealousy, zealotry, selfishness, and fear. Whenever I feel uncomfortable with any interaction with others or from actions I have taken or neglected to take I would look within and search for the cause of my uncomfortableness. To my horror I identified every single attachment on my list, and not just once but over and over again. Master often reminds us, "Dafa disciples should consider others first in everything he does." (From: Teaching the Fa at the 2002 Fa Conference in Boston) After several months of applying these approaches I found that it truly was not the other person's fault, and I could take responsibility for the conflict even if the person's behavior was irrational or abusive. Selfishness, defensiveness, and fearfulness were common themes to my behavior, including with my past interactions with my parents. I had allot of work to do!

After many many quiet hours of continuous reading of Zhuan Falun, I had moments of no thoughts which brought about wonderful states of tranquility that I had never experienced. This was followed by new opportunities being presented to me for housing and part-time jobs. My new world still allowed me several hours each day to devote to the practice and provided a great environment in which I could function as my body and mind continued to purify. Never in my wildest dreams or with my resume could I have created these situations. The lifestyle is simple and the money very merger, but it works. However, I could get myself real worried if I tried to make my new world conform to my old way thinking or living.

Most notable after starting this practice I was reminded again of the power of my thoughts in creating my world. Master says, "We have said that good or evil comes from a person's spontaneous thought, and the thought at that moment can bring about different consequences." (From: Zhuan Falun) I had some pretty funny and "eye opening" experiences to get this message home. Then, whenever a thought that was not in alignment with Truth-Compasssion-Forbearance came forth in my mind, I tried following it with a righteous statement. Silently I would say to myself, "I am a practitioner." Amazingly, this alone would calm my mind or body and help me move past the fear or stop the ill thoughts. Later, I started to respond with, "I am a practitioner and the situation for practitioners is ….."

Another turning point in eliminating some core attachments, negative thinking, and notions came with regularly sending forth righteous thoughts. Master states, "You must take sending forth-righteous thoughts seriously. No matter whether you think you have the ability or not, you should do it. What you eliminate from your own mind are ones which have an effect within the expanse of your own body; at the same time, you need to eliminate the external ones, which are directly related to the dimensions you're in. If you don't eliminate them, then they not only persecute you and restrain you, but also persecute other students, other Dafa Disciples. (From: "Fa-Lecture Conference in Florida")

Once I made my mind up to do it I began to sent forth righteous thoughts every opportunity I could. Some days I would only do them a couple of times, while others it was eight to 12 times. After sending forth righteous thoughts for several days at least eight times each day my body purification took another positive giant shift. Not only could I assist with eliminating the evil that is persecuting Dafa practitioners, but that five minutes of time allowed to clean one's own personal space was very effective to identify and release bad thoughts, actions, and attachments. Over time this allowed me to eliminate the demon of fear of people and their emotions. I now longer was a victim, which was a role I repeatedly played in this lifetime. Releasing this karma was as utterly life altering as the release from my sickness karma. Every single interaction with others has been altered in a very positive manner because of this transformation. A new relationship with my parents is being forged.

In wrapping up this story for now I need to give you a health report. I definitely got my miracle I so desperately needed. Through Falun Gong, I am living a life without illness and have gained so much more. In the last 18 months, it has been so unbelievably liberating as, one by one, all of the physical and emotional symptoms related to my chronic health condition and the medication reaction completely disappeared. In addition, I have had severe allergies all my life and was shocked to discover six months after starting the practice that I was totally allergy free. Today, I no longer have the chronic back pain that has plagued me for 20 years, thus I am able to exert myself physically in my new jobs of walking big dogs, gardening, and tending to others' homes. I am most blessed to be without any type of pain in my body or fatigue, and I sleep soundly every night with all the sleep cycles. My relationships and how I look at the world are changing for the better. My new tools are allowing me to go beyond everyday thinking and to spiritual evolve. My deepest appreciation and thanks go to Master Li!