PureInsight | December 9, 2002
For a long time, I was scared to think about marriage or having a family. Deep down I did not know if I could handle a relationship. In addition, my desire to get married was a huge attachment.
Because of this attachment I felt I went to an extreme, and was not taking things naturally. I felt a lot of pressure and stress to suppress this attachment. For 10 years, I chose to be by myself. When I started to cultivate I thought I would probably live alone forever, and cultivate by myself within the boundaries of my own comfort level. I did not think I could handle the responsibility of thinking of another person during this time. I had too much Dafa work to do. I told myself, "This is Fa rectification." I seemed to remember Master telling us not to think about anything else. One day as I was driving, the uncontrollable feeling to have a partner swelled up inside me. I tried to eliminate the desire. It was so strong that I could not control it. I called out for Master to help me. Thirty seconds later, I enlightened to the reality that I was a Dafa disciple, and this gift of the Fa was the highest honor in the universe. I realized that I would give up everything to follow Teacher, even if it took my entire lifetime, which would only be a tiny second or a blink of an eye in the vast journey of my existence. To sacrifice my wants was the smallest thing I could do in order to truly and fundamentally focus on helping Master to rectify the universe. At that moment, I felt totally at peace. I believed I had truly, calmly, and finally let go of my deep desire.
Then, this young woman came into my life. We met in 2000 at the Geneva Fa conference and again this summer in another country doing Dafa work. I felt so good to be around her. I asked her to visit me in Canada. She came in June. During the time we were together we communicated so well. We had so much respect for each others' understandings, our ability to look inside, and to share. I felt like all my beautiful dreams and wishes for a relationship had been answered. I had met a fellow practitioner who was everything I had ever wanted in a partner. I was so lucky to be with her. I asked her to stay with me in Canada, and we were got married on August 1, 2002.
I felt I had everything in control. I was strong and focused, and knew that this was the next step on my path. There was no fear in my decision what so ever. On August 2, everything changed. I was a complete mess. I was so confused and I felt extreme fear. My mind filled with so many destructive thoughts. I was stuck in the self imposed guilt of not following Teacher closely. Am I following Teacher closely or did I just follow my desires and attachments? Did I just fail a lifetime test? Did I just fall into the human world? Should I have been single minded in what I have to do during Fa rectification? I had a hard time seeing things from the perspective of the Fa. How do we best help teacher in this time? The truth was I did not know.
In the days that followed it started to become very clear why Master arranged my new path. I had not released my fundamental attachments. I did not truly live my life within the basic principles of Dafa and Truth-Compassion-Forbearance. I had so many deep attachments that I had hid from facing when I had been alone. These attachments were still there. They controlled my actions during Fa rectification, and I did not even know it. When I was alone I never made the effort to really dig deep into myself. When tribulations happened in the group I would just superficially realize the principles and sooner or later the situation would pass. I did not really dig my attachments out from the roots because I never really wanted to face the pain within the group.
Now I was married and I could not run away. I had to face my attachments with another person 24hours a day. The demon of comfort also joined the party. I felt so comfortable being married and the comfort slowly turned into laziness. I started to feel my level start to slip. My mind became less focused when I sent forth righteous thoughts and it was difficult to control my speech as a practitioner. I would say evil things even before I realized that they left my mouth. When my wife and I saw this we both realized that we must become extremely diligent in order to break through this tribulation.
My marriage has helped me to realize the importance of true cultivation during Fa rectification. To truly harmonize everything in our lives as one body, together, and not alone. To truly make efforts to look within and to live every moment within Dafa's principles in my understanding is true Fa rectification. As we continue the clarify the true situation, we must strive diligently to apply the principles of Dafa into every aspect of our lives, so we can do our Dafa work well and can leave a solid example for our future generations.
It is not a matter of formalities or being alone, married, or forsaking any material things in the human world. It is all to do with one's heart. In my understanding this is what Master is telling when he says don't think about anything else.
My wife brought it to my attention that I had become an expert at finding the shortcomings of other practitioners. On occasion, my awareness has helped some practitioners really see their situation and short comings. This made me feel pretty good about myself. My desire to focus on others started to affect my reading. Whenever I read the book, passages would jump out at me and I would say to myself "Oh this practitioner should really read this passage as it's just what he needs" or "Wow, that practitioner must read this as it really points out his attachments." It seems I was reading the Fa in order to fix others rather than cultivate myself. A few weeks ago my attachment blew up in my face.
There was a situation in my city where the police threatened to arrest practitioners if they did not comply with certain bylaws when they handed out flyers in a certain important area. In the middle of the meeting, I told everyone that I felt it was the over- zealousness of the older practitioners that caused the situation. They were too stubborn and had created this conflict by their pursuits.
In a room full of practitioners, a Chinese practitioner talked very sternly to me. He told me that I had no respect for the Chinese practitioners. He said that I was deceived just like the Chinese citizens because I conform to the old force arrangements that persecute the Chinese practitioners. This is because of my lack of understanding which is shown in my quickness to blame them for the problem.
I was floored. It took all I had to keep my mouth shut and to listen to this practitioner. I was so upset. I left the room and drove home fighting back the reaction to confront him and defend myself. Instead, I said to myself, "What have I done to bring this kind of response?" "Why would he say this to me if there was not a reason for it?" I felt tremendous pain and confusion.
I realized that deep in my heart, because of my great ability to point the finger at others I had lost all compassion, kindness, and understanding in this situation. I did not take the time or the effort to really listen to my fellow practitioners and to learn how they think and what their understanding was from the Fa's perspective. I just thought only of myself and what wisdom "I" was going to enlighten the group with. I had taken the role to once again "teach" others about their short comings. I felt I was right and I judged the actions of other practitioners and gave criticism. I also realized that deep down I did not have full trust in my fellow practitioners, so I blamed them for the problem. I also realized that as a western practitioner, I was no where to be found in the past year at this site where the problem manifested itself. I had not taken any initiative or responsibility to help my Chinese practitioners who hardly spoke English to clarify the truth to the police.
I felt really bad that night and at the same time I felt like I was truly cultivating because I had taken advantage of a great opportunity to look within. Pointing out shortcomings in others had really become an attachment for me and the demons started to use it to destroy the fibers of being one body with the rest of my fellow practitioners. In "Non-Omission" (in Essentials for Further Advancement) Master discusses abandoning attachments. Master says, "If a cultivator or an everyday person who cannot even make fundamental sacrifices also discusses this principle, he is actually undermining the Fa by making excuses for the attachments he cannot let go." I realized I wanted others to let go of attachments and to see their shortcomings, when I was still lost in my own attachments of show off mentality and pride. This situation truly gave me the wakeup call I needed to do better for my environment.
Later, a practitioner shared a light hearted view of the situation. She said that we have been at this site for so long and have never taken the time to tell the security about Dafa and the situation in China. They want to know so much. It is the only reason why they are here on this planet and you still have not told them after all this time? The beings in other spaces must be saying, "We have waited here for you to tell us about Dafa and you still have not. Now, we are going to arrest you and force you to tell us about the Fa!"
Even though this view was light hearted it was still very solid. This perspective took the heaviness away from the situation, and opened up a new way to view it. She also explained how as one body we all compose different parts of the whole. Some practitioners are the nose, some are the eyes, some are the hands, some are the legs, and some are the mouths. Westerners are the mouths that talk for the old Chinese practitioners, who are the face and cannot speak English. How can the nose speak for the face? It is the mouth that has to speak for the entire face!
A few days later some of us had a meeting with the local police to rectify another situation where they wanted us to remove some signs at a very important area. This meeting resulted in the signs staying put.
This view also opened up a fresh idea of what one body is between Chinese and westerners during Fa rectification. We all feel deep respect for each other from Chinese to westerner and vise visa. There is no separation. We are one body, and as Master says," You're all disciples in the same practice, and you're giving your all for the cosmos' Fa-rectification, so you should cooperate well with one another." (From "Teaching the Fa at the Washington, D.C. Fa Conference") When I was able to eliminate my view of myself and my words, I truly saw my fellow practitioners for who they really are. Once again, I was able to see how amazing and selfless my fellow practitioners are and I remembered how much respect I had for them. As we go through our cultivation experiences together we learn and grow closer as one body. We share the most sacred bond together.
At this special time the cosmic climate is definitely changing. We can all feel it. Personal consummation is not what it is all about any more. On Minghui, a little practitioner shared what she saw in her Tianmu (Third-Eye). She saw all Dafa Disciples struggling to climb a huge mountain. There were practitioners stuck on the bottom, some in the middle, and there were some who were about to reach the top. On the top of the mountain, Master stood and watched. All the practitioners who hurried to make it to the top of the mountain found out when they got there that they would not reach Consummation because they did not stop to help the other practitioners to also ascend along the way.
Teacher gives us every opportunity to clarify the truth to people and to grow together as one body. Lately, the emails on the web lists look more like they did at the beginning. Practitioners are openly and honestly sharing their understandings and feelings with no blocks. They are being compassionately answered by other fellow practitioners who are trying to help them make it up the mountain.
Another little practitioner shared what he saw. In heaven the high gods send their children to school but in school in heaven there are no text books or home work. The children play all day. During their play they are only taught to learn one thing which is how to cooperate well with each other.
Master says, "However much a cultivator puts forth in cultivation that much he will gain when reaches consummation." Master also says, "The next person's things are your things, 1 and your things are his things. We don't talk about the "unity" everyday people do, which is a forced, superficial thing. You are cultivators, and your realms are higher." (From "Teaching the Fa at the Washington, D.C. Fa Conference") In my understanding our reaching Consummation as one body is first and foremost and the only way we can do this is to help each other to cultivate in the Fa rectification.
I am so honored to have this opportunity. Sometimes when I cannot stand the pain and confusion I look in the mirror and I have to laugh because in these painful times when I just want to disappear and hide away from the world, I truly enlighten to the profoundness behind Masters words. "It all depends on whether you can endure sacrifice and suffer!" (From: Zhuan Falun, "Transformation of Karma") This time is truly precious and hard to come by. I hope I can look inside much more in order to do better for the whole body. Let's work together with lighter hearts to really do well together in this special time.
