PureInsight | October 18, 2007
[PureInsight.org] In the past
few days, I have heard various fellow practitioners say to me "You
should have confidence." I didn't pay much attention and naturally
regarded it as encouragement from practitioners, since I have recently
been trying to adjust my way of writing.
This afternoon, a practitioner seemed to enlighten to something and
said in a determined and loud voice to me: "I know your problem. You
have no confidence in yourself." I was shocked and wondered why I have
been hearing the same thing all the time. After I hung up the phone,
scenes of my childhood filled my mind.
Recalling my upbringing, I have always felt inferior to others. Because
of this sense of inferiority, I have developed feelings of self-pity,
jealousy, and arrogance, with the latter to compensate for the former.
I grew up in a family filled with contradictions. My father is a
teacher who is rich in knowledge while my mother came from countryside
and does not even know how to read. My father has proper manners, which
often contrasts greatly with my mother's roughness and carelessness.
There is a 20-year age gap between them. When father entered the year
of no confusion (40 years old), my mother was still a young woman.
Father's broad knowledge gave me, a child who grew up in countryside, a
sense of superiority and made me look down on those kids in my
neighborhood who always had runny noses. On the other hand, however,
that middle-aged father often made me feel inferior in my eyes and I
wished that he was as young as other classmates' fathers.
I liked to join the gatherings of my father's friends. Their
conversations were filled with humor and wit that made me feel excited
and I admired their gentlemanly demeanor and scholarly way of
communication, but mother's presence and way of talking often brought
me embarrassment.
Father is proud and sensitive. His occasional explosions of temper made
me feel uneasy. On the other hand, my mother's kindness, simple
personality and her modest manner in dealing with neighbors allowed me
to enjoy the warmth of rural unreserved emotions.
My personality combined the weak parts of my father and mother. My life
is filled with love and resentment towards my parents, making
everything complicated, full of conflict, and uneasy.
Looking inward, yes, I have been able to completely get rid of my
feelings of inferiority in my cultivation. Because of the lack of
self-confidence, looking inward has become something more like overly
self-criticizing and unnecessary self-denial.
When I read the Fa this afternoon, I noticed that Master mentioned a
disc the old force arranged in each Dafa disciple's body. This disc is
so refined and obscure in my body that it causes a certain obstacle in
my cultivation.
Today I saw "it." I suddenly felt stunned, surprised and a little
panicky. How should I look inward then? At this moment, the two words
"righteous thoughts" appeared in my mind. Yes, what a cultivator wants
is not self-confidence, but the righteous thoughts of higher realms.
Holding on to righteous thoughts, everything will become simple, steady
and sure, with no more chaos and being at a loss.
Thanks to Master's compassionate hint, I felt an indescribable sense of
happiness filling the surroundings and sensed what Master wants from
me: to get rid of the shackles of the sense of inferiority and reject
the old force's arrangement.
Translated from:
http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2007/10/9/48765.html
